Slate Your Name

Goodbye to Slate -- Hello Kristen Says

2008-10-19T19:04:00.000-07:00

After months of saying "I really need to do this..." I finally DID it and consolidated all of my blogs and everything else onto www.kristenrutherford.com.

HUGE thank you to Kevin who hooked me up with the publishing tools. A few words from him to the powers that be at Squarespace, and I'm now set with an account FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I believe that entitles him to free frito candy and baked goods for the rest of HIS life.

So if you subscribe to Slate in a reader - please to go the new page

kristensays

and you can subscribe here...

see you in the new joint!

Down ARGentine Way

2008-08-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am fried like chicken. That's been fried.

It started with E3 -and was it just me? --or were the 3 big press conferences kind of *meh*? It was the same thing with Apple’s WWDC - I always get worked up about these events and act like it's Christmas - hopping around from foot to foot and annoying everyone around me – more so than usual... and then I get all sad when it turns out we already knew everything they were going to announce.

We've been downtown, we've scoured the internetz, we've seen it.

Okay so Microsoft pwnd Sony with that big 'neener neener we've got Final Fantasy now' announcement - that WAS a big surprise. And then I remembered that I don't really care all that much about Final Fantasy. SORRY, IT'S TRUE. I CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE.

Then at the very last minute I decided to hop on a plane and go to ARGFest-O-Con - which was an AWESOME decision, despite the pain of a Thursday night red-eye. Nobody knew I was coming - not even hmrpita, even though she knew I was entertaining the idea of hopping a flight. Eventually I called Steve Peters to say, "should i let people know I am coming? will they let me in?" and he made me his 42 Entertainment mystery guest - a.k.a. Leeloo Dallas MultiPass.

There's never enough time at these things to talk to all the people I want to talk to - so, sorry if I missed anyone. And even when I do get to talk to people, it doesn't feel like enough time.

So I didn't sleep thanks to the red eye on Thursday, but I figured when everyone went to the Dark Knight screening on Friday night, I'd toddle off to bed so I could be fresh and alert for the panels on Saturday morning. After all, I had already seen the film a couple of weeks earlier and I didn't want to rob anyone of the precious seat. Also, yay! Sleep! But while Elan and I were heading over to the theatre in the taxi - (i was going to continue on to the hotel) he got a call from Steve saying there was an extra ticket for the film and I'm all FUCK YEAH I LOVES ME SOME JOKER! and there I was in a FULL movie theatre waiting for the agent of chaos to come on the screen.

These super full theatres for Dark Knight have the same sensation that seeing the Star Wars films have - there's that buzzing before hand, and you can feel everyone tightening up with glee and anticipation as the studio logos unfurl on the screen - and then the darkness, and silence, where the whole audience collectively holds their breath... BOOM: GOTHAM - and you hear the entire theatre do a sudden intake of breath at the same time -- and release. I. love. that.

So, in case you’re one of the 3 people that haven’t seen the movie yet, here’s a spoiler as to how it ends: two and a half hours later- that's how it ends. It’s long. Me? I’m fine with it being long – saying that Dark Knight is too long is like saying “There’s too much cake at this party.” But I hadn’t technically been to bed since Thursday – and had to be up for panels at 9 a.m. on Saturday - and after almost 3 hours of the joker – it was 2 in the morning by the time I fell asleep.

Full disclosure. I had to sneak upstairs during one of the panels to take a 15 minute power nap. I’m not telling you which one. BUT I WOULD DO IT AGAIN. If you were in a panel - don’t worry – it wasn’t yours. I thought it would be more polite to quietly step away for 20 minutes instead of openly sleeping while people were talking. And as I was heading back downstairs, and trying to get the pillow wrinkles out of my cheek, Elan sent me a text saying “where are you?”…

…and I had this HORRIBLE image of THAT being the ONE panel where someone decided to say for NO apparent reason – “but let’s see what Kristen Rutherford thinks!! Kristen?? Where’s Kristen sitting??” – as the spotlight roams the floor.

Not that there was a spotlight at the con, but that made it more dramatic in my head.

The best part of the con, hands down, was the speech blitz. That should be an annual tradition.

Anyway, while looking for a place to eat dinner in the North End that night, Pita took this picture of me:

I SWEAR I went to Boston. I WAS THERE! Why do I look photoshopped?!

Dinner was a clusterfuck of confusion where we lost half of our party – and the rest of the night is frankly a blur - you can see for yourself the decay in my tweets. Then, once "us" found the bar where everyone was - someone had the idea to order blood orange martinis – and I don’t remember much after that. Brain wipe martinis. I'm not a big drinker, so I'm a cheap date. Here’s a lovely shot Elan took of me the next morning at coffee:

If you look closely, you can see my hair hurting. It's in his phone now so it comes up whenever I call him. The thing is, I am pretty sure that I am STILL DRUNK in this picture. The hangover didn't hit me until I toddled onto the plane home.

I've got more to say about Comic-con, a bout with nerd flu (that I am still fighting) and a late-night filming 90210. (Spoiler: I was sick, so I really don't have any good stories - mostly I am glad I didn't die while doing my scene.)

In the meantime here are my pics from ARGFest-O-Con.

...and now I can't stop singing "Down Argentine Way" - the Dinah Shore version.

Wut?

2008-07-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

90210 want to know my availability for next week.

Don't they know next week is Comic-Con?

Housekeeping!

2008-07-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

If anyone's still out there - I finally got a chance to sit down and clean up that sidebar there on the right.

If you're reading this on an RSS, click through and check it out. Since I sometimes go a while between blog entries, I've added a twitter widget and my shared Google Reader items, plus some other fun stuff. That way, at least you'll know I'm not dead.

I've gotten so busy that Twittering is a much easier way for me to communicate, and when I get a break from writing, all I want to do is chill out and read my feeds - so I thought I could at least share those with you. I've also done away with the links since I usually share the blogs I like in the reader, and it's much easier than having to update those links all the time.

As you know, I tend to host parties and do things like this in general in a way that can best be described as, "How can we make this easier for Kristen?" It's a fabulous way to live - I suggest you steal it as a mantra immediately. But substitute your name for mine, or it may get weird. Unless your name is Kristen.

I'm also in the middle of revamping the website so it may be wonky for a bit. I'm hoping to consolidate the millions of blogs I have into one stop shopping and I'd like to integrate that into my website. If anyone has experience with TypePad or WordPress on a paid level, feel free to leave your opinions on their services in the comments. I'm trying to decide on a new publishing platform (shhhhh don't tell blogger) -- then I could at least update from my phone with some of the new Apple Apps.

So, over at G4 we are nearing our two nerd superbowls. E3 kicks into action this week, followed almost immediately by Comic-Con. I'm really sorry that I won't be able to get to ARG fest - it falls right in between, and there's just no way I can swing it. I expect to see good tweets though!

I booked a small recurring role on the new 90210, which had many people lamenting that they would be forced to watch it. Sadly, I know more about "Shooters" than I do about "The Peach Pit." Days before I was to start shooting my agent called and told me they decided to cut the part completely. I'm told they might bring the character back later in the season, or give me another part completely - but I'll believe it when I see the contract. Or, uh -- after I shoot it since a deal was in place for this. Oh, wait - scratch that - how about, I'll believe it when it's on TV.

I saw a screening of The Dark Knight a few weeks ago - make sure you see it on IMAX if you can because it's breathtaking. I am going again. Heath Ledger is amazing. Like, Arkham Asylum amazing.

I promise to get better about updating *crosses fingers behind back* - In the meantime, if you have a moment, please go to Webb Alert and then go here and tell Morgan all about your tech pet peeves. She's doing a special episode soon, and I'd really like to see some SYN readers represented - and beekeepers of course. Do Not Disappoint Me and all that, what what.

and that... that looks like some chicken...

2008-04-11T22:45:00.001-07:00

I think the sleep deprivation is catching up with me. I have watched this like 10 million times today and it makes me laugh every time.

I think it's the voice. This is almost a dead on impression of the voice I talk about the dogs in. Not to them, or as if it is them speaking, only about them. Usually when I do this voice I am saying "and that doggie you can take to the mall, and it will bite the pipples on the faces." The dogs figured out a long time ago that I am not saying anything that they should be paying attention to. They're very clever.

I told Mike, one of our comedy producers who does great voices, that we should pitch our own cartoon just so we can do voices like this... not that I don't already walk around saying "Oh no it's a big head and oh no I'm gonna get away!"

Here's something I wrote and Mike produced a while back:

Hey, that Op sounds familiar!

Been writing something besides Attack in my time off, and as a result, I barely have any time off. OOH META. I can't say what I've been working on. It's not an ARG. I promise. OR DO I?

When I come up for air, I check my twitters because I am playing zeFrank's ColorWars, which is maniacally fun. Go Team Pants! I think I scored us a merit badge with my "earliest memory" recording - which, if you check it out, is a bona fide 100% true story.

The REAL end of that story which I left off is that I remember trying to tell the dream to my dad, and he kept saying "uh huuuh. uh huuuuh." and he added "...and Christopher was there!" ...and I remember being confused. Because in my dream, Christopher, the boy that lived upstairs on the 5th floor, was most certainly NOT there, thank you very much. I was alone with the cartoon bull. I remember being frustrated that he didn't get it - and that I didn't have the language skills to be understood. And THAT'S how I know it's one of my earliest memories. *bows*

It's why I never "yep" a child that seems like they are really trying to impart something to you. Instead I just say, "I'm sorry, I don't understand. You'll really have to try harder next time..." and go back to what I was doing.

I'm trying to catch up with The Lost Ring, I wish I could go to the event in San Francisco on April 20th, but it's not looking good. But I'm always hoping and optimistic - and I *do* like jet-setting so...

As far as Dark Knight goes - Commissioner Gordon is pissed at me. I have the voicemail to prove it.

I failed to mention in my last post that at that NCIS audition the other day at Sunset Gower Studios, I saw Elaine Stritch. She was regaling her handler with an excellent story about Spencer Tracey. I wanted to listen in, so I pretended to be looking for something in my purse, like my car keys. Never mind that I was already holding my car keys in my hands. THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS PRETENDING. And that, is the most important thing you must remember when you are learning to be a spy. THEY JUST DON'T KNOW, DO THEY.

When I walked out of the studios I saw a girl I know getting out of her car. Her back was to me, she was putting something in the passenger seat and then she closed the car door and moved to the meter. In a split second I decided not to talk to her, and quickly turned my back and moved off down the street. I don't know why I did it. I like her okay. We've worked together on VO gigs and she's very sweet. I just, I don't know, didn't want to talk to anyone at that moment. Have you ever done that? Or, as usual, am I just kind of a bitch?

I bet I know the answer.

nOw We KnOw WhO yOu Are

2008-04-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

The only good reason for not joining GO TEAM PANTS in the ColorWar is because of this:

How fucking cool is that shit? Wow, that was eloquent. I should write for a living.

Anyway, even if you are playing TDK or TLR, you can still play with Go Team Pants.

Oh, hey, Vortech? I had an audition for NCIS today. I didn't know that show was still on the air.

P.S. I have the bowling ball and the cell phone and if that phone rings, I am going to have a heart attack.

Color War 2008 Redux

2008-04-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

Okay I gave up on trying to set up the twitter group. Dasro to the rescue. We now have a group thanks to his efforts.

TEAM PANTS

and here is the Twitter Group

FollowFollowFollowFollowFollowFollowFollowFollowFollowFollowFollowFollowFollow

Did you think I disappeared? Maybe down a RABBITHOLE?

2008-03-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

If I tell you an exciting story, I bet you'll COMPLETELY IGNORE the fact that I haven't updated in *covers mouth and mumbles* months! I have a good reason. I swear.

But reasons aren't nearly as exciting as the package I got on Saturday!

I heard the thump of a box on my porch, and went outside to find a priority mail package, addressed to me from one T.L. Ring, 1920 Olympic Way, San Francisco, CA 94110

Written in marker was a note "This is a clew! 03-03-08"

Here's what was inside

Hurrah! A rabbithole for a new alternate reality game!

The clues all seem to point to the Summer Olympics. How cool to have an ARG tie-in!

Here's the unfiction forum where people are talking about it

The forums move really fast - for a quick catch-up or summarization thebruce has been kind enough to set up a wiki page:

The ball of yarn (or clew) contained a fortune that pointed to this website...

Let the games begin!

All Star Ninja Dog!!!

2007-12-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

As promised.

Maybe it's just because it's my dog, but I laugh every time I watch this. Mostly because his tail is wagging the whole time.

HAPPY DAY OF THE NINJA

2007-12-05T10:43:00.001-08:00

We, of course, are celebrating The Day of The Ninja here at G4 because we know the true spirit of Ninja.

Dr. Doom will be making his television debut on Attack of the Show! today in our Ninja Dog Break. Watch if you can. If you can't - I'll try to post video of it tomorrow.

Oh, Snatch!

2007-11-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

Other titles considered for this entry included:

"Do you want to see my Snatch?"
"They showed my Snatch to Guy Ritchie"
"Look at my Snatch"

I think we'll stop here. You get the point. FISH IN A BARREL.

Anyway, here's a sketch I wrote, the one I mentioned I saw them filming when I came out of the break room (not to be confused with the time I came out of the break room and bumped into Ryan Seacrest). It's a spoof of one of my favorite films - Guy Ritchie's "Snatch". They SHOWED it to Guy Ritchie, so you know, no pressure or anything.

Wanna see if he liked it?

Support the WGA

2007-11-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

If you support the WGA, then please sign this petition.

http://www.petitiononline.com/WGA/petition.html

For a summary of what the WGA is fighting for, watch this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ55Ir2jCxk

Please feel free to pass this along.

Thanks

Time's Up, Pencils Down

2007-11-07T13:41:00.000-08:00

I've gotten a lot of emails asking me how the WGA strike affects me here at G4, so here's how it lays out.

First of all, here's a video that breaks down what the writers want.

Attack of the Show! is a non-union writing job and I am a non-union writer. This is why I showed up for work on Monday morning. If this show WAS a union job, it would not be covered by the Writers Guild. We are considered a "soft-news" program (not to be confused with "soft-core"... sometimes) which means that if this were a union gig, it would be covered by the news-writers union and not the WGA. I've had people joke around with me and ask me how my "scabbing" is going. It's not funny. I take this shit really seriously and back the Union 100%, no matter how fucked up or behind the times any of them might seem. Scabbing would be if I called up the producers of a WGA covered show and offered to write for them while their union writers were out picketing.

I am hoping to get to a picket line at some point to show my support for the writer's guild members. After all, SAG members want the same thing, and we might be in the same boat when our contracts expire later this year. SAG members are still allowed to go to auditions and work on union sets because we have a "no-strike" clause in our contracts. This means that we are allowed to picket and show our support for the WGA but contractually, we must report to work.

Meanwhile, I find myself a result of the trickledown effect of the strike. I was hired as a freelance writer as part of a "big push" that G4 is doing with AOTS. Ratings have been high, and so we were given a bigger budget to do more things. A new writer concentrating on the daily live show means that the other writers are freed up to write more comedy sketches. I was originally supposed to be here until December 21st, and after that I was free to move on to any other show or go home and eat doughnuts and cry (two other shows on the network approached me about coming on board as a writer on their shows in January). Last week AOTS approached me about staying until May to replace Blair. Blair is going to be one of the hosts of our Heroes post-show until the season ends, then she is back as a writer/host on AOTS. I agreed to stay until May.

Monday the writers go on strike. No writers means no new Heroes episodes after December 3 (assuming the strike drags on - which sadly, it looks like it's going to do...) No new episodes after December 3 means no Heroes post show. No post show means Blair comes back to AOTS. Blair coming back means.... oh good lord, you get the point. No job till May.

I'm talking to the EP of another show today about writing for their show come January. I have a meeting in 45 minutes about it. I'd like to stay here on AOTS - not because I don't like the other show - I do! I like the people that work on it and i am already friends with the hosts -- it's just that they focus on ONE thing, and we run the gamut of schtuff. I like it mixed up.

Well, we'll see.

So yeah, the El Jay peeps know this already but - Neil Gaiman was in the studio on Monday talking about Beowulf during "The Loop" segment. Here's how geeky I am. I had seen that he was scheduled to talk in the show rundown - but assumed they would be conferencing him in, which happens a lot in The Loop. I'm standing down in the studio and I notice a girl that looks familiar. I think to myself, "that looks like Neil Gaiman's daughter..."

Before you get all freaked out that I would know who she was - she often guest writes on his blog and posted some hilarious videos of herself trying to make sense of comic-con. It then dawned on me that he. must. be. in. the. studio. the. place. where. i. am. right. now.

It would have been very easy for me to a) ask the segment producer to introduce me to him or b) walk right up to him and introduce myself when the segment was over -- right? What? are you NEW to this blog? I am a fucking spaz. I did the only thing possible to do in that moment. I got really quiet and small and just stood there gawking. I *did* manage to tell his daughter that she should guest blog again because she was awesome. Oh and I got squee all over my Executive Producer. I walked into the elevator with him, and NG was standing in front of the doors chatting with someone. The doors closed and that was it -- release the squee. He hassled me and ribbed me about it for the rest of the day, but you get respite here because everyone's got the thing that gives them a nerdgasm. Everyone.

It's fun here, and totally random things happen. The head writer said to me yesterday, "did you see that?" and I said, "what?" and he said, "go - go over there"... so I walked into our reception area where we have all the video games - and yes, people were milling around, and there were people actually sitting in all the chairs we have out there, and a guy that looked like P-Diddy standing by a cubicle on his phone - but nothing that I could see that was worth a walk.

I come back and say, "Did I miss it? What was going on?" and he says, "You didn't see P-Diddy???!"

*sigh* I like the world I live in. The sky is real pretty here. And the cookies are fresh and soft.

I am going to go play some more "Rock Band" before my meeting. Just try and stop me.

An Evening with The Hallows

2007-10-31T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have eaten so many sweet tarts that I am now vibrating on a different level. ZING! ZING!

I bought several huge bags of Halloween candy a few weeks ago at Target. Last year was our first year in our neighborhood, and I had no idea if we would get trick or treaters. I figured maybe a few would come-a-knockin' cause I knew our neighbors had kids, but I can't remember the last time I lived some place where children knocked on your door begging for candy on Halloween.

The first kid last year to show up was probably about 4 years old. He was dressed as an LAPD cop. And it wasn't like some crappy plastic mask that he got at Toys-R-Us. It was a full on LAPD outfit complete with utility belt. "I'm sorry officer, are we making too much noise?" I said, as I gave him some candy. "If nobody else shows up tonight, it was TOTALLY worth buying candy because of THAT kid,"I said to Beth after he left.

Then came the flood. Spiderman! The Flash! Hippies! Princesses! Whatever that's supposed to be! We RAN OUT OF CANDY and Vinny and Allen had to run to the store to get more. Nobody wants to get egged!!

Not this year. No sir. I bought what is commonly referred to as an "Assload" of candy, and am fully prepared for the onslaught. I've even organized it so that I can pull out the candy that I want to keep for myself, and STILL have enough for the grubby hands that ring our doorbell. Okay, our doorbell doesn't work. I was being poetic. We leave the front door open and keep an eye out for people approaching through the screen door.

This year I am going to dress up. Nothing big. Just a wig. Tonight feels like a purple wig night. You know the one. I went to several Halloween parties this weekend, and wanted to wear a pink wig I bought last year in Tokyo. However, one of the invites requested period dress from the 1800's through 1950. So I ended up as a hybrid Anime Varga Girl.

This is my friend Ryan. He is the executive producer of "Free Stuff", which means he works with a real live monkey. His costume is a "chick magnet". I'm sorry that you can't see my shoes. They are killer. I love this paragraph so far. It is full of choppy non sequitors! Sweet Tarts are good! You have to keep eating them because as soon as you stop, you feel icky. It's true!

Vinny has been in Tokyo since Thursday night so I was at these parties by myself. One of them (the one that required period dress) was in the former home of Gloria Swanson. When I was told this, my immediate thought was, "Where's the swimming pool!?"... Then I realized that was a movie. Look, I can't be expected to remember things like the difference between real life and not real life! I am very busy!!

We had a big Halloween celebration here in the E! building yesterday. Each division was assigned a conference room to decorate with a theme -and so G4's theme was Ninja Warrior. Our room had people dressed as ninjas running around - and apparently it scared a lot of the children. When I told Vinny about this he exclaimed, "Well what did you expect from G4's Halloween conference room? Our audience is 17-35 year old men! They're lucky we didn't have big tittied women on the trunks of sports cars throwing shuriken!!"

No ninja is going to stop me from making sure I get the candy I want. Two girls from the Style network were sort of torn between laughing and horrified to see me putting my full upper body into a giant bucket of candy to scoop and scoop at it. "It's been picked over!" I exclaimed, "You gots to churn it to get the good stuff to come back to the top!!" Sometimes I get tired of people reaping the benefits from my lack of shame. It's a heavy cross to bear. 40,000 Sweet Tarts later and I've completely forgotten about it. HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP!!

... and anyway, it turns out that the ninjas aren't going to stop me from getting candy. Ninjas. Just when you think they are awesome, they get awesomer.

The Cake Is A Lie

2007-10-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

There is a saying. I've probably said this saying before but I am going to say this saying again. If you want to increase your auditions or book an acting job, buy a plane ticket.

Addendum: Or accept a full time writing gig.

2 weeks into my new gig at AOTS, and suddenly I have an audition for Cold Case. For a guest starring role. Meaty, Chunky - the same kind of character I played in the "Winters" pilot - distraught wife. Typecast away, I can cry on cue, bitches! w00t! So I have to cut out early to head over to Burbank this afternoon. As far as I can tell from the television on my desk, Burbank is out of the way of the fires. I'm no fan of the valley, but I didn't want it to BURN.

Oh, and I also have a callback for a Lexus commercial. I know I usually tell the funnEh funnEh stories about my commercial auditions, but nothing funny happened at this one. No! Seriously! It was on Saturday - so not inconvenient in terms of scheduling. I got there with no problem and time to spare. Parking was plentiful. I went in right at my appointed time, and there was even a nice doggie named Gus there. Gus brought me a ball over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over while I sat in the waiting room. The improv wasn't that ridiculous, and I was out in a matter of moments. I then went to Trader Joe's, which was my next errand - located ACROSS THE STREET. And they had Garlic Naan! t3h r0Xorz!

I totally knew I was going to get a callback for that commercial. I'm not wearing the same thing I wore to the first audition, and I don't have time to go home, so they are going to have to like my new top or go to HELL. I also got a haircut in-between Saturday and today. BOOSH!

By the way, I like it here so far. The other writers are smart and funny and remarkably laid back when it comes to showing me the ropes. I say remarkably because, well, it *is* a live show. It happens at 4pm every day whether we like it or not. They could be total douchebags. I'm not just being nice because this is a public blog. (Plus, I think we've firmly established that I can be *kind of a bitch* at times.) However, the other writers do have this one strange thing that they do.... they actually LAUGH when someone says something funny. I was completely startled during the first pitch meeting.

I need to start a tally of how many times I see Ryan Seacrest. I bumped into him the other day as I was coming out of the break room. Maybe we can have a contest, like guess how many jelly beans in the jar! Guess how many times I will see Ryan Seacrest before the end of the year. Ryan Seacrest - you can put him in your pocket! Gotta Catch them all!

Today I was coming out of the break room, and they were filming something, so I had to go the other way. I looked at what they were filming before I doubled back -- and realized it was part of a script I wrote last week. I gotta say - that's pretty cool. It's part of what makes this place so great and also kind of stressful. You'll say, "You know what would be awesome?" and someone else will say, "Yeah! You're right! go write it and get it back to us in an hour!!" and then BOOM it's on the show. We build this show from scratch every day - there isn't a moment to spare.

Speaking of no moments to spare. I've finished my salad. Time to punch up a Portal script and head on out into the haze.

Attack What?

2007-10-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first day writing for Attack of the Show! here at G4.

I arrived at the E! building and gave my name to the receptionist. She had me fill out some forms so I can have an ID badge and asked me to wait to have my picture taken. The forms asked me to provide an interesting fact about myself for the E! Newsletter. I wrote "used to be leader of a psychotherapy sex cult...", thought better of it, crossed it out and wrote "Rampant A.I." in the "Previous Job" blank instead.

I figured that I would be running for most of the day, and it would be hectic with little chance of a break, so I found my way to the closest ladies room.

Where I discovered that my underwear was on inside-out.

You know, once you realize that your underwear is on inside-out, it's just best to leave it alone. I mean - you tell me - is it a good omen or a bad omen? Best not to mess with the universe, I say.

I also picked my stall.

Well yeah, you are saying - um, you HAVE to pick a stall in any public restroom with more than one stall. See, but I literally mean, I picked my stall. Whenever I use that ladies room in the lobby on the first floor, I will use that stall. I don't know why I do this, but I've done it in every office that I have ever worked in for any amount of time. I even used to do this when I was a kid and would visit my dad at his office (Last stall on the left.) Before you start backing away from me and my ritualistic tic - let me say this: 1) it's not like I do blood sacrifice to celebrate a new job, so let's put things in perspective, and 2) COME ON! YOU don't have something that you do at a job? Some little ritual or superstitious act of violence that you commit when in an office environment. Wait, did I say violence? I meant randomness. *laughs a bit too hard*

Come on - share. Anonymously if you want to, but it will be that much harder for me to point and laugh, so keep that in mind.

Working for G4 is really like working for E! which is like working for Comcast. It's a crazy cross between Corporate Drone Cubicle Time and Crazy Fly By Night Production Company With Artsy Fun Quirky Folk. Which means that my first day here at AOTS was spent doing things that you might do on your first day at Bank of America -- like making sure I had an ID badge that allows me to get in the elevator and go to the floors I need to get to, finding my desk, getting supplies for my desk, setting up my voicemail account, setting up my email account, calling IT to get a better computer and an ergonomic keyboard, calling Facilities to bring me lamps and locks and drawers and stuff for my desk, (and... um... get rid of the fake fur that is sitting in my cabinet. Okay, so that part wasn't so corporate drone-ee/Bank of America-ish), wandering around the building getting lost in the maze, stealing a giant map of the world so I can build a wall near my desk (Don't tell! It was just laying around!) finding kitchens and bathrooms, and figuring out where viable sources of food lay. Kevin helped me with the last one, and gave me a Magic 8 Ball for my desk. "How long before I get fired?", I asked it. It just gave me an edge.

Oh, and of course they had to orient-ate me for a few hours in the morning. We got packets of company info and a comcast group mug with all the network logos on it. I put my mug in my purse and then immediately raised my hand and said "I didn't get a mug." So now I have one for my desk and one for home. Ka-kow! An upscale power point presentation taught me that I am Not Allowed To Bother Ryan Seacrest If I See Him In The Elevator and Sexual Harrasment is Bad. I almost asked if there was some form I could sign that would say I WANTED people to harrass me and that I was okay with it, because, I would have patiently explained to the very young, cute and stylish HR girl running the slideshow, as you get older, harrassment is one of the few things that makes you feel like a viable sexual being. I'm a few years away from walking back and forth in front of construction sites.

Speaking of young, cute and stylish girls. This place is full of hot women. As I make my way through the labyrinth of E! and Style, I am convinced that at any moment I will discover "The Door". Behind that magic door is where they keep the giant vagina that spontaneously births out cute, well groomed girls with incredibly pointy shoes, low rise dark-wash jeans and sporty jackets.

Right now I am learning the ropes, sitting in on meetings and tapings, and being eased into the writing process. However, if you watched the show yesterday, you can probably guess what tiny little iota of it came from me. Tabburu Go-Go! I am always ready and willing to come up with a fake Japanese Game Show name or Chinese Corporation. If you don't watch the show, then you are a terrible person and everyone agrees with me, even though they won't say it to your face.

Off to read over the feed with Miss Kayleigh.

... and when I get back this fake red and black fur better be history. Seriously, WTF?

A flame in your heart

2007-10-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

As far as days go? Today was a really good one!

As a matter of fact, 9 years ago today was one of the best days of my life.

And here we are, and today was really pretty great too! It started with me picking up my new (to me) car. A 2006 Subaru Outback. After driving the Volvo around for 3 years, well - it's like having a magic car. Magic lights go on when you open the doors. There is a magic button that you can push if you want to hear music. And if one of your passengers wants to roll down their windows, well magically, it can happen. Oh and magic brakes too. 0_o *gulp*

Yesterday I dropped the Volvo off at the dismantler. I watched them scribble "CRUSH" and "SCRAP" all over the windows and sides of my Angel's Heap. Beth, who had kindly followed me to the Pick Your Part in Sun Valley in order to give me a ride back, turned to me and said, "Is this kind of emotional for you?"

"Nope!" I said as I hopped in her car. "Let's go to Mo's and have cobbler."

Maybe I should watch Transformers again. Maybe now it would seem like a better movie. (Not that it was *bad*, it was just Not As Great As Everyone Said It Was Going To Be...) The film seemed to scream, "DON'T WORRY, IT'S OKAY TO WANT TO FUCK YOUR CAR." I didn't grow up in a car-centric city. I love buses and subways.

But today, when I got home, I was changing into my paint/yard clothes, and found myself drifting to my screen door again and again to look at Her Blueness in the driveway. It's not like it's an Impreza WRX or anything sexay. It's a WAGON!! But it's mine. AND IT WORKS. LIKE MAGIC.

The mailman came with cards from family members wishing Vincent and me a Very Happy Anniversary. Some money for a nice dinner - and my parents sent a $100 gift certificate to Trader Joe's. Which pretty much sent me over the edge of bliss. That is a LOT of naan and bottled curry sauce! I will eat for WEEKS on that tiny lei'ed card! Why is Trader Joe's so great? I dont' know!! THEY SHOULD HAVE SENT A POET!

So off to the dirt pit I go, dreaming of sweet potato chips, garlic naan and chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels as I yank at stubborn weeds on the side of the driveway that we can't fit our cars down. Dan came over about half an hour later. Dan is an artist, and had sent me some pictures of recent works - some in galleries, some on various structures, and I had emailed back and said "Do that to my garage!" "How serious are you?" he responded immediately - "Totally serious! As long as you know that someday we will have to tear the structure down..." So here he was, coming through the side gate, with paint in hand and a gas mask to boot.

When he was done, I had the most awesome space squid thing:

Then I beat him in scrabble by 4 points. Which I know is making him insane. Somewhere in Hollywood he is thinking about those 4 points even as I write this...

While we were hanging out, him painting, and me having an argument with a tree stump (I won), I got a phone call from Gavin, the Executive Producer over at Attack of the Show on G4.

Hey, do you guys, you readers, if you are out there, know this? That I used to write for a show on VH1 called "Pop-Up Video"? That I have written for teen fashion and beauty magazines and done other sorts of odd freelance writing work here and there? Did you KNOW that along with my super helpful degree in THEATAHHH, I have a DEGREE in Engilsh with a Creative Writing focus? Because apparently I keep forgetting. In fact, my friend Lenore's favorite story about me is the one I tell where I dropped off my "Writer's test" over at the Pop-Up offices, and the next day, a writer on the show that I knew called me to say that his producer had come to his office with my script and said, "This is really fucking funny - what's her background?"

"OMG OH NO!! WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM!???!" I shrieked

There was a pause and he said, "Um... I told him that you had a degree in writing from the same school I went to."

"Oh yeah!!!!" I beamed.

Today Gavin called and offered me a job as a freelance writer on Attack of the Show.

This whole thing happened pretty fast. Friday, as in 5 days ago, I get a call from Vinny saying "Gavin wants to know if you want to come in and interview for a job as a writer on Attack of the Show." ON MONDAY. So I gathered my writing samples (including an entry from this blog -- I bet you know the one - where I cluck like a chicken in Spanish? Cause really, that just wrote itself.) and hustled myself over to the E! building Monday afternoon, where I met with everyone and chatted about the position and my writing history.

I start work on Monday. As in, MONDAY. As in - 4 days from now. I'll be there until December 21st. Hopefully being funny.

True to form: re: my idiocy... That Friday night, when Vinny got home, he told me, "Gavin remembered that you wrote for Pop Up, and thought you would be great at this gig - since you a) watch the show, b) know and get along with everyone already and c) get the style and what it is we *do* over there... you would be working on The Feed and mostly teasers probably."

"I could do that, I bet." I said.

And we watched T.V. for about an hour when suddenly I exclaimed, "WAIT. I have DONE that before - I used to write teasers!"

Vinny just looked at me and said totally deadpan, "Well. Maybe you want to mention that in your interview."

Gee, if only I had a degree to back that teaser writing experience up.

Tonight, to celebrate our anniversary (as well as my upcoming 3 month gig) we went to a restaurant on 3rd Street called The Little Door. If you are ever in Los Angeles and are looking for an excellent restaurant that is *very* romantic, this is the place. We sat in the garden, surrounded by candles and fairy lights, had a lovely meal and talked about what it was going to be like to work on the same show, and how exciting and nice it will be to see each other more every day. I guess that's part of our secret. We always want to be together as much as possible. Like it says in the song that we danced our very first dance as man and wife to:

I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim
I just want to be the one you love
And with your admission that you feel the same
I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of, believe me...

Behold the lawn of Caerbannog!

2007-08-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

Last week I bought a rotisserie chicken. I brought it home and began the process of pulling the meat off the bones. I do this every once in a while when I don't feel like cooking a chicken *cough*lazy*cough* I place the meat in tupperware containers, and use it for future salad topping, quesadilla filling and chicken salad sandwiches. I'm sure you crave this data.

This activity, in the world of my dogs, is one of the most utterly enchanting and fascinating things that I, the most amazing and astounding person ON THIS EARTH, can possibly do. They sit at my feet, transfixed, their little heads bobbing back and forth, matching the movements of my hands from chicken to tupperware. Every once in a while I make a *mistake* and *drop something*. This only reinforces their idea that I am the most beautiful girl in the world, and that everything I say and do is captivating.

While I am doing this, I happen to look up towards the living room. I keep the front door open so that we get a nice breeze. Sitting in front of the screen door, peering into the house, is a tiny white bunny rabbit.

"Oh, ho ho, Mister Bunny Rabbit..." I say (outloud of course), "this is NOT the house you want to be hanging around at. Best that you moooove along."

The dogs cock their heads, because they have heard, "blah blah blah bunny rabbit, something something house and i am going to give my dogs all of this chicken in just one moment."

I decide to give the bunny some cauliflower that I have sitting in the crisper. After all, bunny rabbits are cute!

I had a friend who worked at a restaurant. There was a guy who worked there that had been working in the kitchen there for years and years. He was an old hippie dude that everyone liked. On one of the (many) days that there was high tension and a load of arguing in the kitchen and on the line, my friend noticed that this guy had his hands curled up in front of him, and was suddenly hopping from place to place as he worked. My friend said, "What are you doing, dude?" and he said, "I'm being a bunny."

silence

"Why?"

He looked at him and said, completely deadpan, "Cause. Nobody can be mad at a bunny."

My voiceover agency made the decision back in the springtime to stop bringing clients into their studios to record our auditions. Now we all have home studios where we record mp3s, and email them asap for review and submission. On the one hand, I miss going into the office and getting face time with my agents (they are all great guys to work with), and I also miss the odd cocktail party feeling of the waiting room. On the other hand, I save so much money on gas now that I don't have to drive back and forth to the office for every audition! It's not so bad when you are recording 4-5 massive scripts for characters in a video game - but beyond annoying when you drive in to say "PRODUCT! now with more power!" or "Not valid in Texas" or whatever.

So, I record auditions, and occasionaly a job or two, here at home. The equipment has paid for itself and more, which is always nice. Eventually I'll have a bigger studio in the back house or the cellar, but for now, the parlour will do.

Unless

Unless of course, the day comes when you have to have a script in before 12:30p.m. and a dog that will. not. stop. barking.

Look, I understand that Dr. Doom has an important job to do - he's our doorbell and early warning system. I've encouraged him to bark, because his terrifying "I am a big dog" bark terrifies Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, traveling salesmen and those guys that tuck paper adverts into your screen door, and scares them away. This means I don't have to deal with them. Good dog! I completely accept his theory that the garbage cans are going to attack the house at any moment and that the mailman comes every day with the intention of slitting my throat and then eating all the cookies whilst I lay there dying. It's a small price to pay for the quality of protection I get.

But this one day, he would just not. stop. barking. I finally went out into the living room to see what the danger was all about. The bark was not his "LURKER" bark - nor was it his "SOMEBODY IS AT THE DOOR" bark. It was unfamiliar.

I peek through the curtains, and there, staring back at me is the fucking bunny rabbit. I went outside, and chased it away, while Dr. Doom barked, "That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!" over and over again from behind the screen door. This happened about 4 times before I finally had to put the dogs in the backyard while I finished recording.

That's the last time I dip into the crisper for any conejo. Nobody can be mad at a bunny. Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, is that ever bullshit.

Sears III (not 2!)

2007-08-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

Not that I am all braggy mcbragsalot because I have an iPhone, but neener neener, I have an iPhone!

For real, I don't understand when people look at in in awe and treat me like I have a golden ticket. I want to say, um, you know you can just go to the store and buy one of these, right? It's like David Spade's take on people who think they're all that for driving around in limousines, "Ooooh, you have $50!"

But man, it sure is nice to have email access on the go - especially when those emails are audition notices! *french kisses iPhone*

Sears III. Whatever that means. But I was reminded via email 3 times to make sure I signed in under the right spot.

Beverly Hills, 90210. Gak. Thankfully, it was not the casting studio that I thought it was, over near Robertson. I've discussed my extreme hatred of venturing near Robertson. Too many posers and gawkers for traffic to flow at an acceptable speed. The block that this studio is on, is only marginally better - it's one of those blocks where it's all spiffed-up-sparkly-luxury cars. Bentleys, Rolls, Porsche Cayenne and Lexus. Chock full of folks who believe an expensive car gives them the right of way at all times. You should look out for THEM!

To be a *total* libra, I should point out that I sort of have the same attitude about my busted up piece of shite. You have a 'SPENSIVE car? YOU, my friend, should avoid ME.

Here's where I impart a FASCINATING detail that I think might only be of interest to Angelenos and other peeps living in a car culture. I GOT A PARKING SPOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE JOINT. THE METER STILL HAD TIME ON IT. God is in his heaven.

I am the first one there! What do I win?

I sign in (under Sears III omg, okay okay) and wait. A pretty girl walks in, looks at the sign in sheets and asks me, "how do we know if we are here for II or III?" I tell her, "my agent emailed me 3 times to make sure I knew it was III"... "uhhh okay," she says and leaves the room to call her agent. When she comes back in, she says triumphantly "II!" "Hurrah!" I say, "because you are dressed the same as I am!" Other people come in - with kids. It's a family spot, so no surprise. One frazzled mom looks at the table with the sign in sheets, turns to the rest of us sitting there and says "Where are the sign in sheets?" There's an uncomfortable silence. I say, "Um. On that table in front of you." She says "Well, I don't know which one to sign" and takes her kids to a corner to sit down. I look at the other girl and motion between the two of us and whisper in satisfaction "weeee doooo."

She laughs and then says, "I feel like I know you from somewhere..." and she *does* look familiar - and before I begin the process of wracking my feeble brain to figure it out, she says, "Did you go to producers for a lawyer on Cold Case?" -- and then I remember her! She was one of the 5 they had narrowed it down to for the producers' session, and they were running behind - so they put us in the writers room to wait for them to begin the session. For a while we all sat there in silence, looking at each other, each one of us undertaking the Sisyphean task of trying to figure out who might book the part and why. I don't know who broke the silence and minor tension, but it was probably me - because I *do* remember finally announcing that I was helping myself to the snacks that they stock the room with for the writers, and by the end, we were busting out the cheetos and reading the plot ideas of the upcoming shows off the white board. Except for one girl, who sat in a corner with her hair in her face going over and over her lines. "She's gonna book it" we told each other when they called her in. (She didn't. They booked the girl I blogged about that was in the first rounds with me)

So having gotten our bonding out of the way long ago, we had a great time chatting in the waiting room. The casting director came out and asked the frazzled mom which Sears spot her children were here for. She said, " I don't know if I am here for Sears One or Sears Two." He turned back around and said, "There's only Sears Two and Sears Three. There is no Sears One." And I am not ashamed to admit that I heard it in my head as "There is NOOOOOOOOO Sears One. Rule 4 NO POOFTERS!"

Remember how I brazenly declared God to be in his heaven? In walk several of "the dads". One of them is this guy that I ALWAYS get stuck with. I have been paired up with him 3 or 4 times in auditions - sadly this was in my pre Slate Your Name days, because although he = bad audition he also = blog entry gold mine. He cannot listen to or follow directions to save his soul. We were paired up at a callback for Direct TV, and they told us to sit together as a *family* and mime watching television. AND ACTION. Within 2 seconds, he turns to me and says, "ISN'T THIS GREAT HONEY?" Seriously, WTF part of MIME was difficult for you to grasp??!?

I am first on the list, and receive my complimentary 2 sons and latino inspired husband. GOD IS IN HIS HEAVEN. IT IS NOT *THAT GUY*!!!

We are the first ones to be filmed for the day. As we walk into the room, one of the kids starts saying "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, I want to say something! I want to tell you something!" I say, "okay, what do you have to say?" He ignores me, stares pointedly at the casting director and says, "Excuse me, I have something to say, I have something to tell you." The casting director turns around and says, "Um okay, what?" Kid 1 draws himself up and says "I am missing my two front teeth, but I have a Mr. Potato head at home and I can stick his teeth in my mouth, if you want me to look like I have teeth."

I didn't know whether to laugh or be horrified. I guess it depends on whether he made the decision on the spot to get this information out, or if he was coached by a well meaning parent to "let the casting director know." The casting director fires up the camera.... orrrrr not so much. There are technical difficulties. The kids and I talk about losing teeth, the taste of blood, and how much money it would take for us to let someone tie a string around a loose tooth, then a doorknob and slam the door.

Okay! Time to smile! Okay, no, not so much. Technical difficulties. Now we are talking about video games and XBox Live. I am telling them what games are good on the Wii, and have just started to describe Elebits when it's time for us to Smile! (TM)Suddenly, latino inspired dad says to the boys, "OKAY BOYS! HERE WE GO! HIGH FIVE!!" I nearly jumped out of my skin - he had been so quiet up to that point. 1, 2, 3, smile... okay wait, not so much. More camera trouble.

The kids have now figured out that since I can describe the game Elebits to them, and how you play, in minute detail, means that I actually *own* a Wii. They want to know how many games I have, how often I play, what my favorite games are... and then Mr. Potato Head kid asks me the biggest, most leading question of all: "Do you live here?"

"What, in this studio?" I say, knowing exactly where this is going.

He rolls his eyes, "No, I mean HERE."

"Oh you mean in Los Angeles? Yes I live in Los Angeles."

He considers this for a moment- and smoke is just about to come out of his ears as he desperately tries to figure out a way to GET INVITED TO MY HOUSE. I feel sorry for him for a second - he's just a kid, and powerless in terms of having any control over his life. It's almost as if he was struggling to comprehend things that he didn't quite know were on his horizon - like owning a car or having friends he chooses to be friends with, as opposed to people he is thrown together with at school or on playdates.

But yeah. Not sorry enough to invite him over to my house. Cha!

Right at the point where I think he's going to explode is when the camera finally is up and running. Time to smile and act like a family. The question for the grown ups is, "Where is your favorite place in California?" Luckily "mom" is to the left of "dad" and I have a few seconds to think of an answer. I say Huntington Gardens. Why? Because I am from the east coast and I like the desert garden - it feels like I am on a different planet. (It's a kind of lame answer, but my real answer is even worse - my favorite place in California? My house)

Time for the kids. Mr. Potato Head kid is first. What was the best thing he's done this summer? He hems and haws. No, seriously, this kid was stumped and yet, he managed, to, well, you know. I guess, it's just, he thought, it's, I mean, my favorite thing I did this summer would be, would be...

It felt like 5 very painful minutes.

"Church" he finally spits out.

The casting director says, "Church. Really? Church was your favorite thing you did this summer? How about I ask you a different question? If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you like to be?"

More hemming and hawing. "If I could be an animal, any animal, the kind of animal i would like to be...well, I guess, maybe, any animal, I would like to be..."

Another 5 minutes.

The casting director decides to move on - he's making the motions, starting to say, "Okay, thanks" when the kid suddenly spits out:

RED TAILED HAWK!!!

We are all quiet.

Okay we are moving on.

Kid 2 is asked what kind of animal he would like to be. This kid had one of those awesome voices - that raspy voice where it sounds like he's super serious about everything he talks about. "A Bear."

"A Bear? Why?"

"Cause I would be big and have claws."

I mean, duh.

It's finally over after this, and I walk out to my car, which I would like to remind you was right out in front. WOO!

I hear "Excuse me! Excuse me!" behind me. It's Mr. Potato Head Kid. He says, "Do you want to know why I picked Red Tailed Hawk?" His caretaker is in a hurry and tries to rush him along. But MPHK stands his ground. He is going to have his say and thus, ignores her. I bite - since i was actually relieved that he wasn't inviting himself over to my house for some Wii Sports.

"Sure, why?"

"Because, that way, I would have talons and be able to sink them into my brother's back"

His caretaker hurries him along.

I stand in front of my car and once again, I am not sure if I should be laughing or completely horrified. I mean, I have a brother, and I can see how that would be quite appealing.

Shameless Self(less) Promotion

2007-07-01T15:39:00.001-07:00

You know what? I audition for tons of television shows. Sometimes I get called back, and sometimes I don't, sometimes I book them and sometimes I don't. It's part of the gig and I am used to it. Nothing personal.

A few months ago I got a call from my agent - I'd been asked to film an audition to send immediately to NYC. It's for a guest starring role on an HBO show that shoots in NY - the downside, according to him was that I would have to work as a direct hire (which means they wouldn't pay to fly me out there or put me up - I'd have to pay my way) He felt that the role was strong enough that it would be worth it.

"Its a show called 'Flight of the Conchords', that's Con C-H-O-R-D-S"

and this is me listening to the message

SPAAAAAAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!!OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!SPAAAAAAAZZ!!!!

cause OH YES, I know who they are, I LOVE them. I have been pestering Vinny to see if they can get them on Attack of the Show somehow.

The role was letter perfect for me - I mean, are you kidding? haha, I thought, does she work in a BAKERY?

oh she does. okay then. *cough*

I got to producers but alas.

This was one of the few that I was truly upset that I didn't book. No sort of chin up maybe next time attitude here. Just a lot of WHO THE FUCK BOOKED IT? I AM PERFECT FOR THAT PAAAAART PLUS I LUUUUUUURVE THEM!!!! WAAAAA. Not to mention the fact that I was dead sure the show was going to be a big hit.

Well, anyway, you should all watch this show. It's brilliant. Here are clips from the first episode. This was not the episode I auditioned for - but I'm sure that will be just as funny. C'est la vie.

what?

No, I'm not crying... it's just been raining on my face. And if I AM crying It's not because of not getting this show, it's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine that you don't know who is dying THAT'S RIGHT, DYING.

New Pictures

2007-06-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

IMDB

I am ... I said

2007-05-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

L.A.'s fine/ the sun shines most've the time/and the feeling is laid back/Palm trees grow/and rents are low/But you know keep thinkin' bout/makin' my way back...

Oh yes I did. I just quoted NEIL FUCKING DIAMOND. What? He's the JEWISH ELVIS! Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies and everyone goes, cause everyone knowwwws...

wait, why was I quoting Neil Diamond again? I got distracted looking for my Hot August Night CD.

Oh yeah - cause next week? I am going back to NEW YORK CITY.

I grew up in Washington D.C. but New York is my HOME.

I cannot yell WOOOO loud enough.

I am going to spend time with friends and family, celebrate my cousin's graduation from college, and get drunk on pizza and bagels. I am going to sit in the garden at the Frick Collection and pretend it is my residence. I am going to hail cabs, read on subways and see the sights. You know, important historical sights like Pearl River Department Store, ABC Carpet and Home, Ricky's drug store (Because looking good is better than feeling good), C.O. Bigelow's, Zabars and Bergdorfs. Oh, did you think I was talking about an history other than my own? You must be a first time reader. Welcome!

I had all kinds of unbridled eating plans - but there's been a little snag. As it turns out, I will be shooting new headshots while I am there with one of my all time favorite photographers. This all came about in a strange way.

My contracts came up for renewal at my agency.

0_o

Now, as far as legit/theatrically goes, we are doing fine. In fact, I just went to producers for a guest starring role on a show that is currently filming in NY - I was so utterly right for the part that it was spooky, and it really pleased me that my agent knew me well enough to understand JUST how right I was for the role to push me for it. (Sadly, I didn't book it. *insert flintstones failure sound here*)

However, remember back in September when we had our big meeting about my commercial auditions or lack thereof, and how we were going to try a different tack? Still not jumping as much as I think it should be.

So once again, I go into the office to say, " I think I need to move on." Totally heartbreaking since I actually LIKE my agents. But, I am going to stick to my guns and move on commercially and see if we can stay together theatrically.

In my experience, as well as the experience of most everyone I know that is an actor, when you go into an agent's office and say " I think I need to move on..." they say, "No problem! Love ya baby! You are the greatest! We'll miss you around these parts and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" Not me. I go in there and once again, he tells me that of course I can go if I want to go, but he really would rather have me stay, because he believes in me and my talent. He is convinced that it is my pictures.

He calls LA casting, which is the major commercial website that casting directors and agents use for submissions, and gets my stats. In the last year they have submitted me 1800 times. How many appointments have I gotten? NINE. It's hard to argue with those numbers. It's the pictures.

Remember when I said I was going to stick to my guns? Well I had an achilles heel. I hate my pictures. I loved them when I first got them, but slowly I have grown to hate them - and have had confirmation from SEVERAL casting people who agree with me. They are bland and lack personality, and the way I was lit washes my skin tone out. This is a crucial issue when it comes to commercials - I look pale and white on the casting website - and anyone who has met me in person knows that I am olive skinned and tan even in the winter. When we shot, they had me stay totally still - and I think that is part of the problem and why they seem *bland*. I mean, have you MET me? Spazariffic! Represent!

They offered me this deal - sign a mini contract commercially - say 6-8 months (as opposed to 2 years) with the understanding that I will get new pictures and we will see how that pans out, and if it doesn't change things, then we shake hands and move on.

I thought about it, and you know what? How often do you get lucky enough in this business to have an agent who really believes in you? So much so that they don't want you to leave them? I have tons of leads for interviews at other agencies, but I run the risk of signing with a new agent, having auditions for a month - and if I don't book anything straight out of the gate - I am left to rot on the roster. I'm old enough to know that 6 months is a drop in the bucket compared to the span of a lifetime. Plus, there are other, personal things going on with me that I have to take into consideration as far as moving on to a new agent goes. More on that later. Perhaps.

I started looking for a photographer here in L.A. - and most of them were booked up until July -- and then I thought - wait - when I first moved here, I was getting great commercial auditions from my old NY black and white photo -- even in this LA world of color! So I emailed my photographer from NY and asked if by some remote chance she had any time for a session. Doubtful, since she is incredibly talented and booked up VERY far in advance - and lo and behold, she got back to me immediately, and she DID have an opening!

So here we go again, but this time I am back on my turf.

Afterwards I am meeting up with my group of friends - the women that I miss every day while living here in Los Angeles. We'll have a chance to catch up, a good dose of China-Latina food, a lot of raunchy talk, as well as belly laughs, and I'm sure the phrase "I FUCK THE CINEMA" will be exclaimed at high decibel levels at random intervals, much to the chagrin of the other patrons of La Caridad. (It's hard to explain, but believe it or not, it's actually a quote from Jean-Pierre Jeunet)

The clock starts ticking when I get back to Los Angeles.

I am really excited.

Did you ever read a story about a frog who dreamed of being a king/and then became one/ Well except for the names and a few other changes/ if you talk about me/ the story's the same one...

no wait, that makes no sense....

um

Shilo when I was young I used to ...

*cough* no

You're so sweet/Horseflies keep hangin' round your face/ Kentucky Moonshine could never take your...

...well, okay, there is really no good Neil Diamond quote that I can use to wrap this up with.

So what? I am going HOME!

I FUCK THE CINEMA

Actually: 36B - But I guess everything is relative.

2007-04-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

Nerd Level Nine is Fine With Me

thanks to my husband and vpisteve for pointing this article out. I have joystiq on my rss list, but must have been off doing whatever it is that I do. Also big mwah to G3k...

Blogger Needs Voice Posting Action

2007-04-17T22:47:00.000-07:00

Because one of the jobs I have defies written explanation.

See, for this gig, I record songs and chants for foreign children who are learning to speak English. The company is based in Korea, so my call time will usually be scheduled around 4 p.m. or so - just as the day begins in Seoul.

The situation is this. The Korean office is video conferenced into the outside booth, so the Korean team, the director, translator, and engineer can all see and hear each other. I am in the studio. The director and engineer can see and hear me, but Korea can only hear me. I cannot see the director, engineer and translator, nor can I see Korea. I can hear everyone.

Music is played, and I chant or sing words to the music.

After a take, there is a lot of chattering in Korean in my ear. Lost In Translation is dead on. The chattering goes on for what seems like 10 minutes, and then the director will say something to me like:

"They say, can you do it a little faster?"

and I sit there thinking, "Really? .... cause... it sounded like they said a whole lot more than that"

Sometimes I am told to make it "More flowing... like water."

0_o

But the part where I really want to voice post about this is when I was asked to not say the words to the beat of the music - rather, just speak the words to the way the music FEELS. The music is this very 4/4 time infectious kid song rhythm. It can be DONE but FUCK is it HARD. You just naturally want to hit the beat.

Korea chatters and doesn't like it. They want me to go back to the beat of the music. THANK GOD.

A cat! A cat! That... is a cat!

Happier!
More Fun!
Like a Mom!

A happy mom, not an abusive alcoholic mom, I assume, but I don't speak Korean.

We do it over and over again - to different styles of music. Jaunty! Cautious! Too much sugar at the birthday party! Each one has it's place in Dante's inferno as far as never getting them out of your head.

Since I don't speak Korean, as I listen in, I play a game where I try and guess by the intonation and speech patterns what my direction is going to be. At one point, I hear one man saying something, and then I recognize the sound of good natured hassling! It's the same in any language really. It seems to me that whatever he is suggesting they have me do - they are pretending like they don't understand, and want HIM to DEMONSTRATE. And suddenly I win my game when he nervously trills in English "Whaaaat is thaaaat?"

YES! He was suggesting that I SING just that line, and YES they pretended like they didn't understand him and called on him to SHOW THEM WHAT HE MEANT. And so, he sang.

"More Flowing!" I said, "Like Water!"

Blog, much?

2007-04-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh, yeah, I've been meaning to TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT, but, you know, I just go so ... busy. You know how it is. You forgive me, don't you?

*doesn't wait for answer and plows on*

Much as I would like to give you the gory details, I know that the powers that be are *sensitive* when it comes to pilot presentations and their content. My vague review is that the attitude on the set was easygoing and fun - I can't say enough nice things about the executive producers and I especially can't say enough lovely things about Tony Goldwyn as a director. He takes very good care of his actors and creates a safe place. I think that's high praise.

What I *do* want to write about are make-up artists and how amazing they are.

It's always been my experience that when you are first introduced to the make up artist, they greet you in a very warm and friendly manner - but there is something odd about the meeting that you can't quite place - and then you realize that they aren't taking you in as a whole or a person, really - they are looking at you in parts, at what they want to do with you, or what they'll have to do with you. You are a job, they are professionals, and they are sizing up the job. It's not a bad thing, they aren't being mean, they just have a job to do. It just takes getting used to. Once it all clicks into place, you are a person again and they are lovely and chatty - the really good ones make you feel amazing about yourself. Even when they are painting blood or pasting scars on you.

I never understood why people would pay so much money for a haircut by a celebrity stylist. Then I did a modeling job where Oribe did my hair. When we were introduced, he stalked up to me with confidence, shook my hand, began to run his hands through my hair as he stared me straight in the eyes and started to tell me what he was going to do to my hair and how beautiful it was going to make me look and what features of my face were going to stand out and and and... I don't know - it was like he was hypnotizing me - I just kind of remember bending my head back slightly, [side note - i do NOT like people a) touching me or b) playing with my hair - i was never one of those 'oh! braid my hair' girls...], listening to him and feeling like when he was done, I was going to be the most gorgeous woman in the world. It was a seduction.

Then the Producer said "okay Oribe, so we are going to go drastic in length with a sort of shag with a flip" and I snapped out of the reverie with a OH NO. NO NO NO. NUH UH. ORIBE SAID NO SUCH WORDS LIKE "DRASTIC" "SHAG" or "FLIP" AW HELLZ NO.

That was a great haircut. The job was on Halloween - and I didn't have to get my hair cut again until the August after that. It was long, yeah, but it never got straggly. It still had a great shape.

My point is, the good ones do a kind of hypnosis like that, where they make you feel comfortable and ready to go in front of the camera.

I took some pictures to try and capture the difference between before and after.

Here is the first one:

I was taking this picture for my parents - to show them my cute trailer in the honey wagon. Had I known I was going to do a Slate entry on The Wonderful World Of Make-Up, I would have done a close up - because I had the mamma jamma of all zits on my chin. The make up artist put on the make up equivalent of a miner's cap and basically gave me a mini facial. When she was done, she put tea tree oil on the monstrosity, and then sprayed it with some kind of acrylic or vinyl or i-don't-know-what kind of covering to seal the medicine in so she could put make up on it. I would like her to come and live at my house.

Here is me after make up.

The scene takes place in the middle of the night - so the character had "no make up on" - She airbrushed a little foundation on me, some concealer, liquid blush (which i promptly went out and bought for myself the next day) and a tiny bit of lip balm. No eye make up. Farewell giant second head on my chin.

This picture makes me laugh. I think it should be titled, "Wow, Italian, much?"

Here is me with my costume on:

Okay so.

The next time I shot - was a big sobby sobby cry cry meaty scene. No zits, thank goodness, so no reconstructive surgery.

I got a double bumper trailer! Say it with me - swaannnkkky. Here I am sitting in the swank wearing no make up.

I've been told that I am one of the rare actresses who show up to a set "clean". The first thing they always ask you is "Are you wearing any make-up?" and I always say, "no". Then they put make up remover on a tissue and wipe my face. No kidding, 90% of the time they say, "Oh, gosh, you really aren't wearing any make up!!!". I just don't understand why someone would think they could get away with saying "no" to a make up artist. Maybe I'm just lazy - why would I bother putting make up on when they are just going to take it off when I get there? That's time I could be sleeping or eating cookies.

First Layer:

I'm not wearing any mascara, lipstick or blush. Just foundation and eyeliner. The hair stylist sprayed my hair out of my face in what she called a "90's Melrose Place 'do" so that they could do my make up - I have hours until I am on the set, and so they wanted to wait until the 2nd AD was close to calling me. DAPHNEZUNIGA'D

there's a lot of waiting around.

Just before I am called to set, they bring me back in and put on mascara and blush. I have so much mascara on that it looks like I have fake eyelashes, and the blush as well as the lipstick is shaded very carefully - like you would if you were doing a pencil drawing. The most amazing part was that she painted around my eyes and around my nostrils with red to make it look as if I had been crying all day already. I tried and tried and tried to capture it on camera - but you really can't see it - It's an effect meant for film - and even though my camera is 10.1 megapixels it still couldn't capture how subtle and real it looked.

Let us review:

Make up people can do anything. When you see people looking all beautiful and heavenly on your glowy box, don't get down about yourself - remember that there is an entire team of people behind them to make them look that way. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Have a sandwich.

Now that I've imparted that major life lesson to you, let me say this:

Famke Janssen is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my entire life. You know how some people look really good on camera but not in real life. Yeah, no, she's not one of them. She looks good in real life too.

I don't know about you, but for me, when I see a famous person, someone that I am used to seeing in media of any sort, I have this reaction that is kind of like the opposite of being at a wake. When I am at a wake, (Catholic, much?), I get fixated on the body of the deceased - specifically on the fact that the chest isn't rising and falling with breath. That is what freaks.my.shit.out. When I see a famous person, it's their 3 dimensionality that wigs me out - ZOMG SHE IS BREATHING!

Add to that the fact that Famke has the beauty tractor beam. I spent hours with her, and my head and neck hurt from fighting the pull of the tractor beam. It was all I could do to fight the urge to just turn and stare at her. With my mouth gaping open. She is that pretty. THEY SHOULD HAVE SENT A POET. THEY. SHOULD. HAVE. SENT. A. POET.

The Agony of Victory and the Thrill of Defeat

2007-03-12T18:37:00.000-07:00

I think we have discussed the following rule:

There are two ways to guarantee yourself acting work:

1) Have an "I don't care" attitude
2) Book travel

You can't fake either one of these things.

I hope I don't need to write more about my BAD ATTITUDE. *stares pointedly for effect*, because if I do, well, it's just going to get worse. So, I've got THAT down.

Now for the "book travel" part. Last weekend I was scheduled to be on a panel at ARGFest-o-Con up in San Francisco. It was an event I was really looking forward to, so much so that I decided to head up on Thursday instead of Friday to give myself some breathing and visiting room.

Naturally, the Wednesday before I left, I had FOUR auditions. Four auditions in one day.... talk about "smiling as the shit comes down"... I spent the day as a mom with HIV, an evil mutant out to capture X-men, a militaristic fighter babe and a paramedic. The paramedic was a small part on a pilot, and as I walked across the Fox lot back to my car, I got the spidey sense about it...

because, you know, see fig: 1 where I am planning on going out of town the next day...

I figure, with my luck - they will have a producer session on Friday, and I will be forced to turn around and drive back to L.A. for the session, then turn BACK around and drive back to San Francisco just in time for the panel I am on Saturday morning. I fill my nano to the brim.

Friday rolls around and I am spending the nicest of afternoons with my friend and mentor Dee, when the phone rings that Barton Fink ring - my agent. "Congratulations!", he says, "You booked the part of the paramedic! You work next Thursday and it's the co-star rate for the day." WHOOP! I have dodged the bullet! I can enjoy myself in San Francisco and go to work next Thursday! I do a lot of jumping around... which is not easy on Potrero Hill.

Later that afternoon, I am waiting for hmrpita and ariock to come by so we can record some messages from Daisy Fructose for "Fest Quest", when my phone rings again.

They would like to invite me to the read-through - Saturday morning.

But I am on a panel on Saturday morning. At the exact time of the read-through. Now, not going to the read-through doesn't mean I won't be allowed to do the job, the read-through is a courtesy they were extending me - they most certainly didn't have to invite me. It would mean meeting everyone in a relaxed setting before being thrust on a set. It. would. have. been. awesome.

My agent calls them back to tell them that I am speaking at a con, and am not available. Which they are fine with.

But then comes the flurry of phone calls of agent and manager (mostly from me) saying, "am i CRAZY?!?!??!" Should I go back to L.A. to do the read-through, then come back to S.F. - having missed my panel, but still able to participate in the events of the evening????? Am I being incredibly stupid?

Manager says: It would look really odd if suddenly you were available for the read-through.. which was verbally slapping hysterical dumbass actress girl, and boy I needed it. Of course! It makes sense! I was just spiraling because I was presented with two cool things and both would have been a bucket of awesome. There are days where I do nothing! WTF!? It hardly seems FAIR. (Ironic since one of the lines I read in my four auditions on that Wednesday was "Life's not fair. Get over it." -- after a kill, natch.)

So it's all settled. The gnashing of the teeth stops and the zen sets in. Once you learn to deal with... oh wait - there's my phone again.

It's my agent. They cut the part. (insert Flintstones wah waaaaaaahhh here)

But, you know, they love me love me love me, I do amazing work, are going to call me in for something else - now pretend you hear the adults in Charlie Brown cartoons, because that's what I hear. I've learned in this business never to hold my breath. I don't take the insults personally, and I don't take the praise personally. I know what I think about my work and that's the most important thing.

The weekend is fun. Met a bunch of people that I was looking forward to meeting, caught up with friends, family, gamer friends, didn't vomit during my panel even though I was ridiculously nervous, and score one for me - didn't vomit all over the dais when asked at the last second to moderate another panel. Wore the wrong color for fluorescent lighting, am convinced I got free parking because of 'the girls', and best of all, beat the Cruel 2B kind World Champion in Wii bowling AS WELL AS topping Woody's best score by ONE point.

I had informed agents and managers to call me if necessary; that I would not have access to email while I was away - I don't have a laptop, and I haven't bought the Palm Treo 700 yet (but oh yes, it will be mine) -- so it was just on a whim on Sunday afternoon that I asked a friend if I could check my email - and there was a message from my manager's partner - an appointment back over at Fox for the same pilot - bigger, meatier role - MONDAY.

Now I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to hot foot it back to L.A. in time to get to the Fox lot. Oh, and fyi it's a big sobby sobby cry cry scene. Meaty.

Let me just say something about big emotional scenes like this. They SUCK to do in auditions. I don't know how other actors work, but for me, I have to descend to this *zone* where I am living in the pain - just about to cry, but - and here's the kicker - I don't actually want to cry, because my fear is that since it is an audition, I will dry up on the spot - you know, because I got it out while PRACTICING. Of course I always work on the scene, but not too much or it becomes tired. Speaking of tired - I was exhausted enough from the weekend to just sit down and sob anyway, and now I have to drive SEVEN hours in the *zone*. I did not even drink a diet coke at a rest stop. *pauses and waits for this dramatic revelation to take effect on reader*

Having explained the concept of the *zone*, I can now add this fact: you don't want to be a DICK either. I can't just walk in and cry. You have to lift up out of the zone and quickly descend back in. I know these casting directors. I am glad to see them. They like my purse. I got it in Boston. I am thankful that they brought me in again. I declare this.

and we're off.

and I rocked it.

and I booked it.

okay well that's not true - but it looks so nice written out like that!! My agent calls the next day, "Congratulations! You booked it!" He tells me the role, credit, days I am working, rate of those days and ...

wait can we go back to what the role is??? He repeats it.

um... that's not the role I read for. It turns out I booked A DIFFERENT part on the same show. An even bigger and meatier part! Or so they tell me - and so I deduced by using the website actors get their audition sides for... I get a script tomorrow at my costume fitting...

OH! AND! Dork that I am -- When I had the first audition, I looked up the writers on the IMDb to get a feel for the style they might be looking for. I did NOT, like an idiot however, look up the actual show to see who was attached, cast-wise. Thank goodness, because I think I would have been nervous...

Behold! The Awesome!

Tell me how to feel about this...

2007-02-13T16:45:00.000-08:00

I just got back from an audition for a feature film, where, when I was done reading, I was handed a tee shirt that said, "I auditioned for (project name) and all I got was this lousy tee shirt."

I am not kidding.

Surliness is next to Godliness

2007-02-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

My agent called - I'm on avail for the "Bathroom Supporting Sister" campaign. Now THAT is comedy! It must be my charming personality. OMG NO! WAIT! THE SUNDANCE SWEATSHIRT! SEE! I TOLD YOU!

What does "on avail" mean? It means that they want me to hold the dates for them in case they decide to give me the job, but they don't want to say "hold" the dates, because that would mean I am booked and they'd have to pay me. They still have to make a final decision. It could mean I am first choice and they are checking my schedule, or it could mean that I am in the top choices and they are having me hold dates while they check the schedules of who they actually want, or it could mean they are buying time to make a decision across the board and want to make sure everyone in the running is available for when they make final decision. In sum, it means a big fat nothing. Most likely I will have to call them to release the dates when they don't book me.

Let's check the surlimeter... oh yes, it's still revving high - in fact, it's in the red. VROOM!

Bathroom Supporting Surly Sister

2007-02-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

Got a text for an audition.

Followed by an email

Followed by a phone call.

Now, lately, I have been in a surly mood...OH SHUT IT WITH YOUR "ALWAYS" CRAP! "LATELY" IS A RELATIVE TERM... and so the long ass description of what this audition was for and where my image may or may not possibly be used BORED ME and yes, even ANGERED ME. All I saw was that it was Pharmaceutical and Print. Which means it's another fucking go-see, and we know how I love those.

I don't know why I was so angry about everything, but there you have it. The dress was: Casual Around the House Clothing. So I wore blue jeans and a sweatshirt. If that doesn't say FUCK OFF, I don't know what does. Maybe pajamas. Or a tattered robe. I toddled off for my 12pm appointment - which was over on Beverly near Robertson. GREAT. That's a bad neighborhood. When I say "bad" I am defining it as "devoid of parking because it is full of trendy shops and restaurants and young wannabe Hollywood assholes who - in the words of xolondon - are just as likely to suddenly double park in the middle of the road so they can run into Starbucks as they are to 'bang a fucking U-ee' to get to the Coffee Bean across the street..." I cut it WAY close to my appointment time fighting to find a spot. Sue me.

So I go in, fill out my size card and give them my headshot. They ask me what role I am here for and I dutifully reply "Bathroom Supporting Sister". No shit - that is what I was told. There is a sign on the wall that says "If you are here for the role of Hero:Female or Hero:Male please be thinking about this question: When has a friend ever disappointed you and how?" Of course I think - "Whew! Glad I don't have to answer THAT stupid question" Go Bathroom Supporting Sister!

Then I remember my blog and think, well, what WOULD I say? That might be something "funnEh" to write about. If this were a FUNNY blog. But I hear that it's not. I hear it's just a vanity blog so meh.

I wait and wait and wait, and suddenly we get into danger time. I know my turn must be coming up - but my meter is running out. I put in way over 45 minutes - but this is a GO SEE! PRINT! You know -- smileclickturnclickturnclickthanks. What the hell is taking so long?!?!

I approach the assistants and ask where I am on the list - I explain about the meter and she tells me that I am next, but that they are burning DVDs right now and it might be a while - how long do I have left? 15 minutes. Ooh. That's cutting it close. Yeah, I say. She advises me to wait. (FYI they were VERY nice about it). So I sit there for about 10 minutes and realize that in that time, I could have made it to my car and back and still have time to, you know, sit there. I go back up and say, "Hey, I am worried about getting a ticket - I am not far - I'll just pop over and be back in a few minutes..." They were cool about it. So I RAN. RAN like I had my nike plus on.

Plugged the meter, ran back, and when I come back in a woman says, "They called your name while you were gone." 0_o I go up and tell them I am back, and they tell me I can be next.

OH! Did I mention I had someplace to BE at ONE? It's now TWELVE FORTY FIVE AND I AM STILL NOT IN THE ROOM. GAAAAAH.

FINALLY, It's my turn, and when I go in, there is already a girl standing there on the mark. She is answering the question about the time a friend disappointed her and how. She must be here for Hero:Female, right? Glad I don't have to answer that dumbass question. Woo! Bathroom Supporting Sister! Anyway - why am I here watching her? Besides because I am not angry enough about this bullshit? I figure I am going to have to step up and they will photograph us together and I should, um, look supportive. And like I am in a bathroom. Then they ask her what celebrity she would like to sleep with. !!! Okay whatever. (She said Denzel in case you are playing the home game.)

My turn. They put me on a different mark (Must be the mark for Bathroom Supporting Sister) and take my photograph. The photographer says: Closed Mouth smile. Good. Okay another one, no smile. Good. Okay now, no smile and I want a look of concern in your eyes. Don't ACT concerned, just think about being concerned and it will show in your eyes.

*sigh* really?

I am CONCERNED about GETTING A TICKET and BEING LATE to my ONE O CLOCK APPOINTMENT since it is now ONE O CLOCK and my audition time was TWELVE NOON.

Now they tell me to step up on the other mark in front of the camera.

WHY? ISN'T THIS A PRINT JOB? Not to mention the instructions that said this was only for Hero -What. Ever. Gosh, I wonder why you are RUNNING SO LATE!?

Someone pokes their head in - they are behind! (NO KIDDING) What about lunch? Should they just order sandwiches? Where from? Should they break for lunch in an hour? Is that too long. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH SANDWICHES OH. MY. GOD. This goes on for what feels like 15 minutes. I just stand on the mark. All surly and stuff. I would have exploded, but I was wearing my Sundance sweatshirt, and I like it. I'm really into chocolate brown lately and plus, you know, I look TOTALLY cool when I wear it, I'm sure. I bet people think I am an important independent filmmaker. NO REALLY I BET THEY DO!

They had me slate, say my agency and then tell me to make sure I answer the question to camera, even though the person asking is in front of me. So here we go - When has a friend ever disappointed you and how? I am looking at the person asking the question, waiting for her to finish asking me so I can answer to camera as directed - and I can see out of the corner of my eye, the camera operator frantically gesturing towards the camera. Snarl.

Anyway, see! Blogging HELPS. I had an answer somewhat prepared - but despite there being a kernel of truth to the story - my friend actually DID disappoint me - the details didn't seem right. As I told the story, I thought somewhere, "no, that isn't right..." but, hey, at least I looked into the camera and said "it ended up getting blown way out of proportion, and even though I suspected all along what the problem was, if only she had told me, I would have understood and it wouldn't have been a big deal at all." *

Barf. cue violins.

Then they say all perky, OKAY to lighten it up a bit, what celebrity would you sleep with if you could sleep with any celebrity - no strings attached?

*blink*

So I say, "Well. Even though this isn't the most unique answer, and I'm sure he's in everyone's top five, I'm going to have to go with Johnny Depp. But the reason is because, in my friend's words, I have a 'kinky thing about dirt' and he looks pretty dirty to me."

They bust out laughing, and I kind of shift from foot to foot on the mark and say, "and now that you know this oddly personal thing about me, I'm just gonna... go..."

and I left.

yeah, just walked out.

and then RAN to my car.

**************************************************************************
*the one detail of the story that I *do* remember, but didn't tell them, was that when I got off the phone with my friend, I was so upset that I started crying, and my brother came into the room and said "what's wrong?" I told him the story and he said, "come with me". I followed him into the other room, where he hit *play* on a boom box that was cued up to "Don't bring me down" by ELO. My brother is a bowl full of awesome.

Rhoda is my Co-pilot

2007-01-30T14:43:00.000-08:00

Remember when I talked about how cold I was, living here in sunny Los Angeles? Sundance was, as I expected, EVEN COLDER. Imagine that. Even Daisy Fructose thought so. But she's a complainer.

You know what surprised me about Sundance? It was inspiring. Inspiring in two ways -- here -- let me bullet point them:

You made a movie? It's incredible - you are very interesting and inspiring... I want to make a movie!
You made a movie? You are a MORON. I can make a movie!

That about sums it up.

When I returned to rainy Los Angeles, two things happened that I would like to share here in SYN.

One: I discovered that if you have an audition for The Office, they don't have callbacks, so you shouldn't wait around all day to hear if you got a callback. You either got the job, or ya didn't.

Two: So, my writing partner and I decided to meet up at a coffee shop to push through and finish a project we've got going. We were in the thick of working out a crucial scene towards the end, (that's my way of saying that I was jumping around acting things out like a dork and my partner was staring at me, sort of nonplussed and glassy eyed - he's used to me by now) when a woman approaches us and says, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have to tell you - that is the greatest shirt..." (He is wearing a shirt that says "Billie Jean Is My Lover") While she talks to us, I am looking at her face, and I suddenly stutter, "Are you.... Valerie... Valerie...Harper?"

She looks at me and smiles and says, "Yes - do I know you?" and I'm all (BLURT ALERT) "No, but my name is Kristen and You Were Rhoda and I Love You!"

She asked if I was an actress, and I said yes, and her response was "Oh! I wish you the best of luck... with your little Irish nose..."

...which is just about the best thing anyone's said to me. BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Everything else? ITALIAN. The nose? ERWIN. HOW DID RHODA KNOW!?

She was very kind and talked to us for about 10 minutes - wants to buy tons of shirts from Dan, which is great news of course, and was very encouraging about both our careers. When she left, we just sort of looked at each other for a minute, and I said, "well THAT happened." Then I bored him with a whole Mary vs. Rhoda theory, and how women fall into two camps on who they identify with, and Dan said, "She's from the Valerie Harper show!"

... oh, and of course Dan and I spent the rest of the day calling and texting each other with "Remember when we met Valerie Harper?"

File under: Sometimes living in Los Angeles is fun. Surreal, but fun.

File Under: I Want This Film To Be Good

2007-01-20T10:02:00.000-08:00

Chasing Ghosts

Spent more time than I want to admit at the vintage video arcade they set up to promote the film. Popped a Lord of the Rings pinball machine THREE times - a remarkably satisfying feeling despite not having to pump the machine full of quarters.

Then I discovered that they had Arkanoid. 0_o Goodbye a lot more time.

***************************************

Another film that I want to be good, but sadly, don't think I am going to be able to see, is Smiley Face.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780608/

Sundance

2007-01-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

I am going to Sundance tomorrow.

When I tell people this, they respond, "Oh! That sounds like FUN!", and I can't help but say, "really?" in that Jason Bateman on Arrested Development kind of way.

Let's look at the facts:

I don't ski. I don't like the cold. I don't have weather appropriate clothes for the cold anymore. I don't like "Hollywood" types. I don't like crowds. I don't like waiting in lines.

I *do* like movies and hot chocolate and Vinny and taking pictures of the dancing kids.

Really, it just seems like it could go either way.

I will say, it's been laying out rather nicely in terms of schedule - and by that I mean parties and other events we have been invited to - as opposed to fighting to get into. I put the word out that I would be there, and it turns out a good friend of mine will be there at the same time - and she is fun to hang with - so that's lucky!

I am hoping that my whole Sundance experience will fall into the category of What Happens When I Get Invited To An Event. It goes as follows: I get invited to something and I bitch and whine that I don't want to go, I don't want to go, I don't waaaaant to goooooooo. Then I go on IM and I whine and moan to Lenore about how I just would raaather stay home. BLEAH.

Then when I get home, she asks, "How was it?" and I say, "IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!"

Despite the fact that I said I would try to blog from Tokyo, and then, er... didn't, I am going to attempt to moblog from Sundance - even though my palm is on it's last legs -- or OOH maybe it's time for my first live journal VOICEPOST!

I had to stop typing to laugh at the image of me standing in the cold, on my phone doing a voicepost ala Bugs Bunny in Haredevil Hare:

Yes, I have prepared a statement for the press: GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

Happy New Year - Have a Lozenge

2007-01-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone! Did you make resolutions? I didn't.

After gorging myself over the holiday on hours of Lego Star Wars and Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, it was finally time to get back to work. You can feel the city rousing itself and starting to move again as people return from holiday trips. Oh, who am I trying to kid with the fake poetics? You can tell people are back because traffic is back to normal suckage. The week between Christmas and New Year brought blissfully empty freeways. The kind of freeways that make you consider day trips to Santa Clarita or Lovely Downtown Burbank - not getting out of the car, mind you - just driving there and back, simply because you can do it in the time Google Maps says you can do it in. (Not counting if they are wrong)

So, my agent calls me with a last minute, same day audition. Oh how we love those! The first commercial audition of the new year and it's a same day-er! She says that it is for an industrial/print job, and that they changed their specs at the last second - now they specifically want to see a dark haired, pretty girl who looks like she is "Southern European". She says, "I told them I had one person who fit the bill" and I said in my best elf voice, "THAT'S ME, RIGHT?"

It turned out that the time slot available for that day fit in with my plans for the afternoon, which is always a pleasant surprise - but there was one snag. I had planned on going to the gym at the end of my day. Big deal, right? Just go after the audition! Well, see... here's the thing. None of the plans I had for the day required me to be clean. ADMIT IT! You KNOW what I am talking about!! Unless, of course you are my husband, who's mafia name would absolutely be Vinny "Showers". Yes, throwing the audition in the mix meant, gasp, taking a shower, looking nice (trying), and going to the gym to come home only to take another shower.

You know what though, you do what you gotta do. You take the shower.

I am chatting on my cell phone with hmrpita as I look for the address of the place, breathlessly explaining to her how, despite taking a shower, "doing" my hair (which means drying it) and putting on makeup, I still have crazy flyaway hair and what I like to call "poorly drawn face." True to form, she makes fun of me, and I suddenly interrupt her to say "Hey! This audition is in the Hooters building" - which starts a whole conversation about auditioning for Hooters.

I am still yapping away with her as I walk into the elevator, and turn around to realize that 2 people have slipped in behind me. So I immediately stop talking. Why? Because talking on a cell phone in a small space like an ELEVATOR is fucking OBNOXIOUS. Sadly, Pita can't see me, and doesn't know I am on an elevator. She just knows that I have shut up. Alarming at best, since we all know about my yappity yap yap problem. So I whisper, "I am on an elevator", which makes her laugh VERY hard and, naturally, she immediately starts to say things that would guarantee a response from me. I can only imagine that I was breathtakingly gorgeous, what with my out of control hair and poorly drawn face, now with added puckered up trying not to laugh face. I stepped off the elevator, burst out laughing and said "I am hanging up on you now."

The casting room was full of children - there were two sessions, and as I filled out the size card, I heard someone ask if anyone was there for my audition. 3 of us called out YES - two of them a little more desperately, since I imagine they had been sitting amongst the hyper kids for quite a bit of time. We went into the hallway where the voice had come from, and sitting there is a girl with her back to us. She is sucking the life out of a lozenge, and because of this, she sounds like she has a speech impediment. You know, because she DOES. It's a LOZENGE that is IMPEDING her tongue from making the correct sounds that form human speech. She doesn't look at me until it's my turn to step up and hand her my headshot. She smacks her lozenge and stares at me long enough for me to think, "You are so blogged", and snaps through the lozenge "What ethnicity are you??" I tell her Italian.

While she is writing a number on the back of my size card, I keep in mind that she has probably been dealing with models all day - and we know how that can be. Still.

"Go stand at the door where she just went in and when she comes out, it's your turn". Yeah, except, who is SHE and by the way, I am not FACING the same way as you, not that you GESTURED which way I should go anyway - and look! There are FOUR doors behind me. Good thing I am SMrT so I can figure it out. My brane werks good. I drop my headshot and size card on the floor and say "Or I can just stand here and be a spaz." Nothing. Just the suck suck smack.

The photograper was a cool guy, but again - dealing with models all day. I had grabbed the wrong headshot. I wanted this one but had grabbed this one. So he patiently explains to me, "Now, I know you look very serious in this picture, but when I take your picture, I need you to smile real big."

number under face smile click turn to the left smile click turn back full body smile click.

He goes back over the pictures and says, "We have a wayward hair" - and sure enough, a piece of hair had slipped out of my clip near my face. I said, "You mean this one?" and he says, "That's the one.... was that intentional?"

"No."

Just so you know - he was not implying that I intentionally ruined the shot - just thought maybe that "wayward hair" was my signature style or something. Yes, I do this on purpose - I spend HOURS in front of the mirror making my hair look really messy. It's ballet class all over again and I am 8 - little Bridget turning to me and saying "Krissy? Why is your hair always a mess?" and me saying "Bridget? Why do you smell like steak?" Or the time my mother braided my hair and Lisa's hair, weaving ribbons in them and as we did our grande battement the teacher called out, "Lisa, your hair looks gorgeous - Krissy - look at Lisa! You should try to keep your hair neat and clean like she does!"

tuck wayward lock number under face smile click turn to the left smile click turn back full body smile click.

and I am outta there...

I call hmrpita back. "You're DONE? It's been 2 minutes!!" she says. "Yes, I am done, and that was so fucking stupid, so now I am going to run it out at the gym."

I climbed on the treadmill and ran for 6 minutes when my iPod DIED. So I got off and went home. It's not worth the shower if I can't clock the minutes on my Nike Plus.

Discovering Your Inner Elf

2006-12-12T17:26:00.000-08:00

Things have finally started to quiet down around these parts. Shows are going on hiatus, film schedules are being put into place for next year, and people are throwing holiday bashes. As things slow down, I find myself in a haze of flour, sugar, butter and cinnamon. One of the better hazes to be caught in, but still... AUUUUGH CHRISTMAS IS NIPPING AT MY HEELS and it DOESN'T MATTER how FAST I RUN.

Yesterday afternoon and today were set aside for the baking extravaganza that one would come to expect in the house of the formerly miss princess yum yum. Right now, I am taking a short break to check up on what's happening on tEh intArw3bz before I royal ice the living shit out of some sugar cookies. As I type, I can smell the fresh ground cinnamon wafting up from my hands - a result of the gigantor batch of pan de polvo I made earlier.

After the royal icing jubilee, it will be time to take the slab of caramel I cooked up yesterday and cut it into tiny pieces. Some will get wrapped like taffy in squares of wax paper, and others will become the centers of home made turtles, but all will end up in beautifully labeled bags and passed out over at G4, added as a bonus on top of gifts for friends, and given out to my agents (although, not my voiceover agents - they have requested that instead of gifts, people donate to a charity in their name. Check.)

In the meantime, you can find me blogging over at Meanlarious. I am participating in Holidailies so you'll find a new post there every day until January 1, when, undoubtedly, I will collapse from exhaustion after being reduced to blogging what's on my grocery lists or how many calories I have consumed each day.

More than This, I Cannot Say... (A Phrase that rhymes with NDA)

2006-11-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had an audition for Halo 3.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2006-10-31T10:17:00.000-08:00

When someone tells you that they have good news and bad news, what do you ask for first?

We've got three choices here - let's start with the middle, shall we?

The Bad

A while ago, I got an 11th hour call with an audition. Typical for commercials, however, this was no commercial. This was a guest star on the show "Justice" with Victor Garber. My appointment time was in less than 24 hours from receipt of my script. (Minus, of course, gussifyingtime and driving time.) Any plans I may have had for those hours suddenly got obliterated by the prospect of memorizing sides until bedtime and beyond. And so I hunkered down and got to work on it.

The next day I woke up, and in a strange version of the actor's wake and bake - I opened my eyes in the morning and picked up the sides which were right there on my night table, and continued to run through and analyze the scene.

An hour before the hour where I was supposed to start getting ready, which was 45 minutes before the time I needed to leave the house, which was 45 minutes before my actual appointment time at the casting office, which on a good traffic day is 20-25 minutes away, I got a phone call. It was the kind of phone call that someone who enjoys a lot of high drama relishes and makes a meal out of - whipping the details into a frenzy upon the 10 million future retellings.

I, however, am an actress. I am not a drama queen. There is a big difference. I do not invite or enjoy this kind of thing.

It was an issue that needed to be dealt with RIGHT AWAY - including a super fun legal deadline and a whole lot of faxing. I took care of everything that I could and then proceeded, on schedule, to my appointment.

As I drove there (saying the lines to my costar, the lovely 1990 Volvo Wagon) I thought somewhere in the back of my head, "maybe this will work in my favor - I mean, sometimes when you have a Big Thing that can possibly distract you, you end up kicking ass - because you have no choice but to stay out of your head and in the moment of the scene..."

I'd like to say that's exactly what happened, but remember, I chose to start with the middle: Bad. At least, I think so. For the life of me I CANNOT REMEMBER. Bad. They brought me in, I slated, read both scenes, and the next thing I know I was standing on the street talking to my manager. Bad.

I don't remember my performance at all. I haven't had that experience of "What the fuck just happened in there?" since I was a little green n00b. Ask me about ANY audition I have been on and I can tell you whether I rocked it or if I just wasn't on my game that day. My performance is the only thing under my control. Of course, I can give you an idea of what I thought the room response was (when there is one) - but that's just my perception and nothing to bank with. None of that stuff is under my control and I don't worry about it- I just let it all go when I walk out the door.

My manager asked how it went and I said "I don't know, but I think it was bad - I can't remember..." and she asked if they said anything. I said, "I read the first scene, and she said 'perfect, that's exactly how they want her to be' and then I read the second scene and I know I paraphrased a line, and then we chatted about my house, I think..."

She said, "Honey, it sounds like it was a good audition!". I laughed - but the truth is - I bet it wasn't - I would remember.

The Ugly

The Bonmeister wrote about waiting room games in one of her columns recently. Let me tell you, it's certainly not limited to the waiting room. One of the things I don't like about Los Angeles is that life feels like it's "Shields Up" at all time. Barbs get lobbed at you from any number of sources. To protect the not so innocent, and frightfully bitchy, I'm not using any names but wow, just .... wow.

There is the one who mentions she heard that you auditioned for a co-starring role on a popular television show, who immediately follows with "I've been booking like crazy - tons of GUEST STAR roles..." (Funny, since I know you spend all of your time trolling the IMDB, shaving years off your age, adding your OWN credits, RUNNING from the set, still in your makeup to update credits, and creating fake buzz about yourself in your messageboards - you think you would have updated all those GUEST STAR roles that you have been "booking like crazy"!).

Or what about the one who asks you about a recent audition you went on - and follows up the subject THAT SHE BROUGHT UP by saying that her agent told her that she was too young for the role? (another IMDB age shaver by the way).

What about the one who is a self proclaimed "actress" who's breadth of experience and resume is a high school play and an eating disorder that natters on and on to you about how "she wants fame so bad she can taste it". FOR DOING WHAT EXACTLY?

Okay, well, she's not lobbing barbs at me but BOY is she annoying. Who invited HER to the party?

It comes from all sides. It even comes from within.

I am sure I didn't get that job because of politics which I guess is a nice way of saying that to book that person they had to book that person and there goes that slot and I am sure I didn't get that job because it's nothing but one big clique I am sure I lost that job because yeah I am pretty sure that you-know- who sabotaged it for me I just know it and oh I desperately wanted that part and I was PERFECT for it and kicked ass on the audition but they gave it to someone they have worked with ten million times before and ... well okay she is well respected and a good actor, but dammit - I wanted that part!

For the most part, I am able to laugh it off and stay focused ... but sometimes, well sometimes...

THE GOOD

Residuals, Residuals, Residuals.

I checked the SAG website to get information on upcoming award screenings (another good), and when I logged in - there - over in my "Residuals Tracker" box was a whole new column of numbers. Which means a whole new column of money will be hitting my bank account soonly!

OM
OMMMMMMM
OMG

Hill's Science Diet

2006-10-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

Let's just say you have 2 very funny dogs. For the sake of this example, we'll call them Shenanigans and Doctor Doom. Now, say your agent calls with an audition for Hill's Science Diet and tells you that you need to bring ONE of your dogs.

Which one do you choose?

WHICH ONE DO YOU CHOOSE?

I mean are you KIDDING ME? This is like Sophie's Choice. Well, except it's not against the backdrop of Nazi Germany. Aaaand I am actually going to take the one that I pick on the audition with me. Aaand I am guessing this audition is not going to be "really heartwrenching". Aaaaand the one I don't pick gets to hang around the house with a Kong stuffed with peanut butter. They probably didn't have a lot of Kongs stuffed with peanut butter and dried chicken strips in the concentration camps. YOU KNOW, SHUT UP, ANY METAPHOR WILL BREAK DOWN IF YOU TAKE IT TOO FAR!

I chose Dr. Doom. Shenanigans is sweeter and better behaved, but tends to get spooked by strange things, (like plastic bags) and act all weird. Dr. Doom, while being nothing but trouble, is super friendly and not scared by anything. Often my husband or I will say "You're a good dog!" to him, and the other person will call out, "not really though." But- his name is DOCTOR DOOM, which is hilarious on its own, so he's got that going for him, which is nice. Oh -- and the ace in the hole? If you point at him and say "DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!!!" he will jump up and spin around and around. So really, that made him a shoe-in.

Shenanigans didn't really care when I grabbed his collar and not hers and threw him in the car. Why would she? Were you not paying attention when I mentioned the Kong full of peanut butter? In fact, I thought I detected an attitude of Finally, I Thought That You Would Never Get Rid Of Him coming from her.

Off we traipsed to the casting studio, where we were greeted by a courtyard full of all kinds of dogs, large and small. We signed in, grabbed copy and sat down outside with everyone else. (They were only allowing the 2 people on deck to wait in the waiting room -- makes sense -- now, if only they would do that with children too!)

Now, I love my doggies. They are an endless source of entertainment (and currently functioning as our doorbell). They are both big ole fat spoiled baby dogs, and yes, I talk to them as if they are reasonably intelligent 22 year old human beings. I do this, not because I think they understand me, but because I think it is hilarious to have a dog's command be "Not an Option" or "Last Chance for Gas" or "Life is tough in the joint" or "I know which one of you did this, and this will all go down a lot easier if the guilty party just steps forward now and admits to what they did." I do NOT, however talk to them in a freakish anime voice and narrate the things that are going on around them with phrases like "Oh look at THAT boo-boo doggie, that's the most boo-boo doggie ever!!". I'm just sayin'.

When our time comes, we walk into the casting office, and I ask if it's okay for me to let him roam off the leash. The camera guy says it's no problem. So I release the hound, and stand on my mark and get ready to slate.

"123 Slate your name"

"Kristen Rutherford"

"and who have you brought with you today?"

"DOCTOR DOOOOOOOOM"

and from the far corner of the room, Dr. Doom comes running to me and sits in front of me - almost as if he is a VERY GOOD DOG. I think it's time for an emoticon here :)

So they ask me how long have I had him (2 years this month) and what does he like to do -- well you know - golf, decopage and archery --- um, he's a DOG. He likes to smell other dogs butts and pee on things. Like his sister, but that's really more of an issue with her not being able to get out of the way in time. I say that he likes to guard the house and that he is the make out king. (cue Dr. Doom who totally steps up and kisses me at that moment). I talk about how ripped his little gangsta body is now that we have an house with a big backyard. (It's true - he's like an horse with the muscle tone!)

The copy is about feeding your dog "light" dog food so they can lose weight. I am thinking wow, poor Dr. Doom is so not right for this breakdown - but it turns out they just want to see you interact with your dog - they figure if you are cool with the dogs in the casting situation, you'll be cool with the dogs on the set.

Now it's time to say the copy with him sitting on my lap -- and I have a pocket full of tiny dog cookies reserved for this very moment. They tell me to substitute his name in the script. So there i am, earnestly talking about his weight gain, and how my vet told me that a little bit of weight gain on a dog is like 15 lbs on a person - all the while SHOVING food in his mouth just to keep him from jumping off my lap and setting the place on fire. So. Awesome.

If we have a callback it won't be until November 10th. That's a long time for a little dog to wait. And we've really been putting the pressure on him to get another job besides guarding the house.

Super 100% Go-Go Japan Time!

2006-10-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

Konichi-wa, bitches! I am BACK from Tokyo.

Oh. Um... yeah -- did i mention I was going to Tokyo? Really? huh. Cause, it just, you know, seems like I would have mentioned it. Maybe you weren't listening. Don't worry about it. I wouldn't listen either. Especially if it were me I was listening to.

Oh. My bad. I mentioned it in my live journal. I need to put a pull quote on the sidebar here that says:

"Too Many Blogs! I have ONE word for you: CONSOLIDATE!" -- xolondon

*creates new blog just to spite xolondon*

Japan was spectacular. One of the best trips I have ever taken. I tried to think of ways to describe the experience as I flew home (you know, BEFORE the ambien kicked in), and then I realized that the best way to explain it is this: "Just Go."

As for the plane ride TO Tokyo - well, I could have flown there myself - I felt about 10,000 lbs lighter than I had in the days before - and I had taken it upon myself to lighten that load...

Yes. I called and suggested a meeting with my agent regarding my commercial auditions. Or lack thereof.

Somewhere along the way, what with all the hub-bub and hullabaloo and um... katzenjammer surrounding the BUYING of and FIXING of and MOVING into the house, it dawned on me that I really haven't been auditioning commercially. You might think that's odd for me not to notice such a thing, but I have been auditioning all a plenty for voice over and theatrically, which, along with said house hub-bub created the ILLUSION of auditioning commercially.

But alas, no.

No, I have not.

And I had noticed it, sure, but not done anything about it, either because I would get distracted, or because I would say to myself, "self, you can deal with that at another vague time period to be announced". But something about going to Japan cemented it - it gave me a deadline. Okay it wasn't something - it was Beth who said to me, "You have to take care of this before you go to Japan..." and she was right. I would either be sitting on a plane for 11 hours going there thinking about it, or sitting on a plane for 11 hours coming back dreading it. No win situation.

but
but
but

I just can't go in there and FIRE him. I mean, well, of course i can, but we have a relationship that goes back to our days in New York! And don't forget that firing people is what is professionally referred to as ICKY. Hopefully we can talk about the whole issue, but business is business and if firing is what has to happen, then that's what has to happen no matter HOW MUCH MY STOMACH HURTS THINKING ABOUT DOING THAT VERY THING. Taking meetings with other agents before I talk to him is also not an option - that's totally sleazy. Not to mention that they are doing a fine job with me theatrically! And I know that the reason I am not going out is not because they aren't working for me or submitting me... it's just that OMG PASS THE TUMS.

NO NOT THE ORANGE FLAVOR THE RED! THE RED!

So I made my appointment --11th hour I might add - 5:30pm on the night before I left for Tokyo. I spend all day practicing my opening line:

"I think we can both agree that it is not working out commercially between us, what do you think?"

You like that? I was trying not to place blame, because I know we are both working hard. There is no "but" in there - no "i like you BUT..." - people only hear what comes after the but. Ha, I almost typed butt.

I go in there and we sit down and he TAKES ME BY SURPRISE! Here I am all prepared with MY LINE MY LINE and he has the NERVE to CHAT WITH ME!! Oh yes! He starts asking me about the house and how Vinny is doing - and I nearly started laughing because in my "rehearsal" of the "line" it didn't fucking occur to me that he would, you know, CHAT WITH ME. I am a dork.

We chat for a bit and then I say THE LINE. And his response was slightly hilarious - he said, "I know! I had a feeling that was what you were coming in here to discuss!" -- so chipper! I guess I thought he would get defensive.

- and it went from there. We ended up talking for an hour and it was pretty fab -- he expressed surprise and frustration at not being able to get me commercial appointments - since it is his belief that once I am in the room, I will get a callback or book it, it's just getting me in the room. It's nice to have an agent that believes in you - not just throwing things up against a wall to see what sticks. Even nicer was the out he gave me - he told me that he would understand if I wanted to leave, but that he hoped I would stay.

And guess what? He has not been submitting me as hispanic! In New York I went out all the time for Italian, which is how he still sees me - he had no idea that I read and speak Spanish - but here - you be the judge - read for yourself - one of my stellar performances in Espanol!

So we put our heads together and worked to come up with a strategy for the upcoming months. One of them includes changing my commercial headshot. My idea. I am not thrilled with the one I have been using, and so joy oh joy, I get to sift through the 1300 pictures from my last headshot session looking for a new one. I am so very sick of my face. I called Vinny today and said, "I can't stand to look at my face for another moment! How do you do it?". He said:

a) Do What?
b) It Isn't Easy.
c) Oh Stop it, You are gorgeous!!
d) Why are you interrupting me?

So you might see random pictures from my headshot session pop up on flickr. Some that look like they are exactly the same-- almost as if they were taken within a millisecond of each other. OH WAIT, that's TRUE. Yay for digital! Instead of regrouting tile, or eating grape mentos, I get to spend all my time looking at pictures of myself while muttering "which is better -A or B? A.... or B....A or..."

Okay I can eat grape mentos while I do that. Let it not be said about me that I cannot multi-task. What a cumbersome sentence!

Oh, and if they do pop up on flickr -- well, feel free to comment - I mean - why wouldn't you buy something from this woman? She seems so relieved and happy!

p.s. b)

Glaciers Melting In The Dead Of Night

2006-08-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, um... hi! How ARE you? Yeah, good, good, busy - which you know is good. So, um, yeah. What was your name again? And I know you from where? OH THAT'S RIGHT! The BLOG. The BLOG that I have been neglecting. *nervous laugh*

Well.

We GOT the house. Which I am guessing you knew since it's been all tumbleweeds here on Slate. *forced laugh*

We closed on the house (officially) on the 17th of July, and the past month has been nothing but working on getting it ready for move in. We figured we would take advantage of the month of August to take care of the things that would be, well, sucky, to have done while living there - such as getting the electrics up to code, painting, sanding, sprucing up the kitchen (since we don't have the $$ for a full redo right now), cleaning from top to bottom, putting on a new roof (yeah baby! THERE'S where those $$$ went!!!), and cutting a hole in the kitchen ceiling so we can connect a duct to the hood for the stove.

"Wait!", you are saying, "What do you mean there was no vent for the stove!?!"

I KNOW! WHAT THE FUCK? When the inspector pointed this fact out, I was in your position - I raised my hand and said, "Excuse me, but.... what were they doing when they cooked to vent out all the carbon monoxide?" (Okay, I didn't raise my hand - but it sort of felt like I should have)

The answer I got was "Well, see, in 1910 they would have had a pot belly stove - in fact, the old chimney for it is bricked up behind that wall over there..."

"Uh, huh." I said, raising my hand again, "So yeah, what about, say 1975 - or even, um... TWO THOUSAND AND TWO !??!?!"

*sigh*

but I digress.

So the point is, I have spent very little time in front of the computer. If I am not at the house priming walls, sanding, installing curtain rods, painting and rehanging cabinets with new hardware , or cleaning, then I am working, or at Vox auditioning, or at Sears/Ikea/Osh/Sherwin Williams or, of course, Home Depot.

Ah, Home Depot, crusher of mom and pop hardware stores and home to surly paint boys and angry cashiers. Home Depot - Where they think I am a designer because I carry around a big old geek-a-riffic notebook full of paint chips, diagrams, color pictures, lists and measurements. I have tried to explain that it's "Insurance Against Nervous Breakdowns", but they still ask me if I am hiring.

Thank God they have a McDonalds in my Home Depot. Because seriously? That mini-Johnny Depp I got in my Happy Meal made me... what's the word... OH yeah... HAAAAAAPPY!

I spend a lot of driving all over hell and back (here "hell" is defined as "Los Angeles" and "Back" can refer to my soon to not be current apartment OR Vox which is over on Wilshire near Curzon, OR the new house, which right now feels like some strange art project). It's been pretty hot here and although my car has air conditioning, it a) sucks up more gas when I run the A/C - and gas is over $3.50 a gallon right now and b) is a supermassive black hole that laps up heat from the sun so HARD that sometimes I can't put my hands on the steering wheel when I get inside for fear of scorching the flesh right off of them.

Here is my husband's current favorite picture of me, which about sums it up:

and yeah, that is my "Fuck You Summer" Hair (TM)

The phrase "Going Six Ways from Sunday" is apropos - it's stressful, but that's not really the right word -- it has negative connotations. I am slammed busy with something that NEEDS to be done every second of every waking moment, but MAN is it exciting and fun despite being completely exhausting. For the most part things are under control, and the renovation has been going according to schedule, which has been such a pleasant surprise (Though we deserved the break after the hellish escrow period - That's another story for someone else's blog, I guess). Still, there are the things I let fall through the cracks. An example you say? Well, today, for instance, I put my underwear on inside out and didn't notice until about 30 minutes ago.

So yeah, I need to go and fix that. Maybe I should take them off and pack 'em.

Welcome to my Gracious Drawing Room... I hope.

2006-06-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of emails lately from people who say, "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU DROPPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH." Except for a few which just say, "FINALLY! WE THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER SHUT UP!"

We are in the middle of buying a house. Wait... A house? An house? An house. A house. Huh. Well, whichever way you want to grammartize it - it's incredibly stress ridden and emotional. There's an incredible amount of teeth gnashing and chest beating 'round these parts! Fun!

The result of this affair is that I am now the most UTTERLY FASCINATING creature, as well as THE LIFE OF THE PARTY, because all I want to talk about are mortgages, title insurance, and neighborhood comps. Hot!

I am not the kind of person that just likes to "sign things", I like to understand what I am signing, and how things fit together - like a puzzle. I have had some friends who have been incredibly patient and helpful - answering all of my questions and explaining things in minute detail. One friend in particular turned a simple phone conversation into phone sex when he exclaimed "Hold on, let me grab my HUD Statement..." *hearts come out of eyes*

Then of course, there are the people who are right there with me for the emotional ride. I have a core group of close friends, and most of them (the ones that aren't in the middle of GIVING BIRTH that is!!) have called me to check in - sometimes 2 or 3 times a day - or even better, actually answer their phones when I call them to babble about whatever the new hiccup in the process is...

It's such a Big Thing (TM) that it just kind of ... takes over... Someone made me laugh very hard when I mentioned to her that crunching the numbers was maddening. She blithely responded "Oh, I know - you go to bed at night and close your eyes and see the matrix..." and she is SO RIGHT - the numbers just drizzle down the back of your eyelids! I went to the doctor for a full physical right after we had the big INSPECTION of the house (which was a nauseating experience in it's own right) and when I mentioned this fact to the doctor's assistant, he commented, "Gee, you're having EVERYTHING inspected today!" Hahahahaahaha! So of course during the pap smear I *had* to sit up a bit and call out, "Tell me... is it copper???"

Anyway, it's still not over, and could go either way at this point based on further inspections. I will tell you this much - the house was built in 1910 - if that gives you an idea of why we are so "inspection happy" and why things are up in the air. I just don't want to jinx anything.

I will also say this: If you've read this blog with any regularity, you know 3 rudimentary facts about me which will help you understand what kind of homebuyer I am.

I am a NEW YORKER. This means that I am up front about things and ask uncomfortable questions. This coupled with the fact that...
I am a BLURTER means that I will ask people flat out what they paid for their house and how much it is worth now. The funny thing is, I think people are so shocked that I just balls out asked them, that they actually TELL ME!
The majority of my living is made doing different voices. Remember the wonderful bosom friends that I spoke so warmly about before? How they selflessly PICK UP THE PHONE when I call and let me sound off about any snags? What I didn't mention are all the times that they CAN'T come to the phone for whatever reason, forcing me to leave a message. My friends Lenore and Tiffini have received *several* messages from one "Daisy Fructose", who, they are pretty sure, is a puppet - since she constantly insists "I'm real!" . She also seems to have chronic stomach issues, since it is her wont to declare "MY STOMACH HURTS" repeatedly.

But hey - while we are on the subject of funnEh voices (and Daisy *is* nothing if not funnEh), I finally finished my animation demo! I've uploaded it on the website here. Feel free to give it a listen and tell me what you think. Sadly, Daisy is not represented there. I should upgrade my live journal and voicepost a message from Daisy. But you know... I won't.

Some Stuff (and Nonsense) and maybe a doughnut...

2006-06-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

Vox has been verrrrry good to me.

I have more VO auditions than you can shake a stick at.

*tries shaking a stick at them*

*fails*

The only project that is worth mentioning because it was HI-larious was ... er ...the one for which I signed an agreement stating that I would not discuss the project anywhere. OHHHH! DENIED! Otherwise it's all been commercial spots and the occasional CD-Rom.

I can say this: the waiting room at Vox is endlessly amusing. It's like a rolling cocktail party, only without the cocktails and the smoked salmon nibbly things. You never know who is going to be there, waiting for their turn in the booth, or where the conversation is going to go. For instance, I found myself discussing the game Driver with another client who was reading for the same part, and realized what I must have sounded like to those around me as I was saying "no, no - you are taking the COKE from Ray and the MONEY from Mr. Zhou!"

Which, now that I consider it, could have added a whole different take on the read for the Coke radio spot I did today where the script was merely: "The Coke side of Life."

Last week, while waiting to read for the THIS SEGMENT REMOVED BY SCARY DARK NDA CONTRACT OVERLORDS video game, I found myself sitting next to Mindy Sterling. We started chatting, and she introduced herself to me, and I said "I know who you are, you are the funniest woman in the world!". She is really really fucking cool. It was VERY hard, being the blurter that I am not to yell, "SEND IN THE CLOOOONES!!!"

In the meantime, if anyone is *dying* to hear my voice and wants to listen to me yammering on about food and cake and stuff, as well as a curried chicken salad that I am currently obsessed with -- tune into The Kitchen Coaching Hour over on Karma Air - Sunday June 4th at 10 a.m. Pacific.

Speaking of yammering... I have had several people tell me that I should do a podcast, but I insist that any podcast of mine would be me talking about Shortcuts You Can Take When Traffic Is Bad, Neil Finn, or doughnuts. It was then suggested that the name of the podcast be OMG DOUGHNUTS!

...which ya know, actually kinda makes me want to do it!

My Inner VOX

2006-05-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

On Friday afternoon at 2pm, a little girl that I truly loved like my own daughter lost her battle with Cystic Fibrosis.

It's been a whirlwind since that moment. I spend as much time as I can at her family's house helping in whatever way possible, because every fiber of my being knows that I can do nothing. There is a phrase "God is in the details," so if those details are attended to, then God is sure to be there in every corner.

I am not here to discuss my profound grief in losing my friend. To me, grief is such a private and raw experience - I cannot even, as of yet, speak of Lizzie at sundown when we say Kaddish for her and the rabbi invites people to share stories.

I will say this though - as a Roman Catholic, I have always preferred sitting shiva to a wake. I'm Italian, so naturally, the same amount of food is involved, but I love the idea of indulging your grief for a week and then getting on with your life. I find the Kaddish prayers lovely and very comforting.

Amidst all of this turmoil, it had slipped my mind that I had an interview with a new voiceover agent. The last couple of weeks I have been working on recording and cutting together my animation demo reel, and had even done some private coaching with an excellent instructor, all in preparation for this meeting. It was my assumption and my experience that they would meet with me, chat for a bit, and then throw me in the booth to see what I could do and then make their decision. I wanted to be in top shape.

Monday night came, the memorial was over, and I realized that I had an 11am appointment with this agent the next day. I debated canceling it - maybe this was not the right time? - maybe I would be too distracted?, but in the end I chose to go. Life goes on whether we want it to or not.

The thing I wrestled with was this: "Should I say anything?"

I mentioned before that grief can be so private. How do I respond to, "Hello! How are you?" I loved her dearly but she wasn't my daughter - in other words, there is nothing that necessitates me saying exactly how I am, which is "bad!"

I walked into the office and sitting in the reception area was a friend of mine who is represented by them. She knew about Lizzie and we sat and chatted about it while I waited for my appointment and she waited for her booth time. There was something about her happening to be in the lobby - the universe giving me the opportunity to acknowledge Lizzie's death there in the office - that when I was called into the meeting, and the moment came, I chose to answer, "I'm fine, thank you."

The meeting lasted about 30 minutes and was absolutely delightful. Tom & Wes and I spent most of the meeting laughing, and then we talked business... and then we agreed to work together and they had me fill out the paperwork. I am now represented for voiceover by VOX.

No booth.

Thank you Lizzie.

I read it on tEh intarwebz so it must be true!

2006-05-08T17:16:00.000-07:00

It might be considered unattractive to brag about one's pre-fetal mental prowess, but I think this pretty much qualifies me as a "genius".

...do ya think if someone had updated the wiki last month it would have said "Kristen is living the crazy life. Join along."?

Blow What?

2006-04-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

How do you like your reality?

For those of you who:

Are just DYING to know what kind of goofy, hilarious faces I make when I am getting a haircut (those who know me can tell EXACTLY what I am thinking)
What I would look like if chosen to portray childhood hero Pippi Longstocking
See a cute corduroy jacket I picked up for a steal
Get a peep at my electric green bra (though you really have to be looking for that one)

.... well then I have a treat for you.

Episode 306 of "Blowout" on Bravo. It began airing sometime this week. You can look the schedule up yourselves, I am waaay too lazy to do it for you. Besides, nobody said reading "Slate" was going to be easy!

So yeah, if you like your reality all fake and stuff, have at.

I'm taking what they're giving cause I'm honking for a living. (clapclapclap)

2006-04-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

Part of an email I received yesterday:

Hi Kristen, Hope all is well.

Weird question--Can you honk like a goose? I have a character who needs to Honk and say a little bit of dialogue.
Let me know if you can Honk realistically and maintain it.

Honking like a goose hurts. Here, I'll show you.

HONK! HONK! HONK!

Now, come on...

YOU KNOW YOU WERE TOTALLY JUST SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER HONKING LIKE A GOOSE!

Okay, so which one of you is going to fix us all some hot tea with honey?

Further Adventures in Dorkdom or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Idiot Within

2006-04-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

Monday night I was at the premiere of "Final Fantasy: Advent Children", and at one point, my friend from Disney brought me over to introduce me to Tetsuya Nomura. An honor, yes? Well -- luck, luck, lucky for me I had learned how to say "It is an honor to meet you" in Japanese for the Howl's Moving Castle premiere last year and had practiced it and practiced it until I knew it by heart! (Despite the fact that he ended up not coming to the L.A. premiere - only the New York screening)

erm... except that as soon as I was introduced to Mr. Nomura, I totally forgot how to say it. I didn't even say Konichi-wa.

I said "Hi." and bowed slightly.

2 seconds later I looked at Vinny and totally spit the phrase out. He just shook his head in that way that says, "I am in love with an idiot."

Um.... Yeah

2006-03-24T22:33:00.000-08:00

So, um, remember how I said I would try and sneak the dancing kids and my camera into the KHII release party? Well, the good news is that there was no sneaking -- photos were allowed.

The bad news?

Which One is T again?

2006-03-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

All work and all travel makes slate a dull blog!

I feel like I have barely been home. Oh wait, I HAVE BARELY BEEN HOME!

This happened at a go-see that I had back at the end of February. What's a go-see? Okay, that's a modeling term. It means that you go to a photographer's studio or advertising company or whatever and they take a picture of you. Once in a while they look at your portfolio, on the rare occasion they will ask you to try on clothes they have, and sometimes they even, gasp, *talk* to you. So literally it is a "go-see" because you GO and SEE someone. Yes, most models are THAT STUPID.

No, seriously. Once, many moons ago, I assisted a casting director to get a feel for what it was like to go to the dark side. We were casting a print ad for Sony -and it was a model call - from the top agencies - Ford, Wilhelmina, Elite -- pretty much any of the agencies that will get you a cheaper membership rate at Equinox Gyms in NYC. (Did you think it was an ACCIDENT that the members were soooo pretty?).

Anyway.... I would come out into the waiting room, check to see who was next on the sign in sheet and call out the name. And I SWEAR TO GOD that every time i would call a name, some doe-eyed girl would look up and say "yes?" and just sort of peer at me. I finally had to make an announcement to the room "When I call your name, it means that it is YOUR TURN".

I have not been on a go-see since New York. My agent works with a company called BMG models, and they have my zed cards (zed cards are what they call them here in L.A. -- in NY we called them "comp cards". Here is a very old one of mine!) on the wall there, but it's not something i think about or burn for.

I forgot two things. One, it is usually a monumental pain in the ass to jackass all the way to wherever they want you to jackass to JUST TO HAVE THEM TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU - which takes all of 2 seconds... and two, I forgot how you are very often treated....

I walked in, and signed my name on the sign in sheet, grabbed a form and filled out my measurements and contact details, and handed it in with my zed card. The woman running the session stapled them all together, handed me a number and had me step to the side. When it was my turn to have my picture taken, I stepped forward to the photographer, and handed him my information, pictures, AND THE NUMBER. WHAT A DORK. I have been on a million of these. You keep the number. That is how they identify you in the pictures. Moooo.

I laughed and shook my head as he huffed and handed the number back to me and said "Sorry, that was stupid" but he didn't bat an eye or look at me. He just said "Go stand on the T".

As I walked towards the masking tape on the floor in the shape of a T (it's called a mark) he said to me, I SWEAR TO GOD, "Can you find the T?".

Here is the sad thing. Blah blah blah people should treat people nice blah blah blah and there is never a good reason to be nasty to people blah blah but I totally knew what he probably deals with on a daily basis and I had to laugh. Plus I sort of deserved it -- I mean - duh! I handed him my number!

I called hmrpita when it was over to tell her what had happened and she told me I should have said "Is that the one that looks like an ESS?" to which I laughed VERY hard and countered "Ummmm which one is T again?".

"I am an Idiot", I said.

"I know", she said, "That's what I have been trying to TELL YOU for AGES! Gooohhhhd"

The Key to Our World

2006-03-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry so quiet. Been working, working, working - which is always good. Also traveling, traveling, traveling, which is also good. (No link on "traveling" #3 because it's not till next week...).

But I got this in the mail, and was VERY excited about it. I worked on this game last year, and the scoop is that the navigation is MUCH better on this version -- and the worlds are EVEN BIGGER, if you can imagine.

I am not usually a party person, but of COURSE I will go to this one. If they let me bring in my camera (doubtful), maybe I can get some pictures of the dancing kids in there as well...

w00t!

2006-01-31T20:01:00.000-08:00

Howl's Moving Castle was nominated for an Academy Award!

Loop de Loop

2006-01-19T22:57:00.000-08:00

Recently, a friend of mine and I were discussing the kind of work I do --- you know... when I am not being cut from glamorous network television shows, working on ARG's, or spazzing out at auditions and callbacks, blurting out whatever comes into my head.

It's called "ADR" or "Walla". I had sent him a link to what I think is a very good article on the subject, (because I am lazy and didn't feel like explaining it), and he said, "I think you should totally post a link to that article in Slate Your Name so more people can understand what you do".

Then another good friend of mine in the same email conversation countered, "OR. Forget everyone else, because now WE are in the LOOP (loop--get it? LOOP! I am such a card) and no one else is and that makes us SPECIAL. There is so little to distinguish me from EVERYONE else--can't I just have this one thing? WHY do you DENY me?"

Here is the link to the article OHHH!! PITA!!! DENIED!

Note the part about "jargon" -- hopefully, that explains why I was asking Shad0 and rashiir tons of questions about Yale recently. Not to mention my best friend from H.S., Amy, who hooked me up with some mad hot newspaper lingo. I TOTALLY owe them. Honorable mention to g3k, who hooked me up with rashiir.

Feed Your Head

2006-01-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

4 things:

1) I finally got around to checking out feeds: Now you can subscribe to Slate Your Name by clicking on the little orange icon in the right hand column.

2) I didn't get the part on Girlfriends. Dee emailed me a sweet email to say that they loved me, thought I was really funny and will call me again, but this time they went with someone much older. What a nice change from not knowing and just wondering...

3) There is NO number three

4) This is my breakfast:

Is that wrong? Cause if it's wrong, then I don't want to be right.

*EDIT: For my LJ peeps: Go here

The Haunted Mansion

2006-01-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

So last tuesday Avalon calls me with an audition for "The Haunted Mansion" on,"appropriately enough", he says, Friday the 13th. He includes the breakdown with the email.

The breakdown says that it's Disney, it's for a "Black Widow Bride" and it's categorized as an "Industrial" - which is usually an in-house film - a company training film would be a good example of that. So of course we are speculating like mad here at Chez Nous. Is Disney doing some new orientation film? Are they updating their sexual harassment training videos? Or... could it be.. FOR THE RIDE IN DISNEYLAND!??!!?

Okay, let me just tell you that at a recent trip to Universal Studios, we found ourselves in the line for REVENGE OF THE MUMMY: THE RIDE - and in one section of the long, long wait, we found ourselves watching a film over and over where we were told that we were CURSED by IMHOTEP: OUR SOULS BELONGED TO HIM!! And scary-pretty ghosts would raise their heads and hiss over and over: IIIIMMMMHHHHHHOOOOTTTTEEEEPPP

Which you know, of course, I would not stop imitating, and will still do apropos of nothing on occasion while watching TV, or you know - leaving a message for someone.

ANYWAY, the point is that I said to Vinny while we were standing in that line - Why don't I ever get calls for jobs like THAT?? (and then hissed IIIIMMMMHHHOOOTTEEEP a few times so he could see how good I would be at it) and so just the thought that this could be for THE RIDE was too much to hope.

So I get to the "Imagineering" building and wait my turn. We have been instructed to wear our hair out of our faces and in ponytails or buns, and wear a low cut white top that shows our neck. We all look like priestesses of The Oracle or something, sitting there in the waiting room.

So I am led back through tons of animation panels to a room with 4 people in it (Imagineers all, I would guess). They introduce themselves and tell me that the project is for their Haunted Mansion ride down in Disneyland. And if you read this blog at all - you know I am a SPAZZ - so I yelp "OMG I WAS TOTALLY HOPING AND HOPING THAT WAS WHAT THIS WAS FOR!!!" which startles them all and then makes them laugh.

They explain that they are spiffing up the bride - the sweet bride who has many dead husbands - and making her more lifelike -- they give me four lines and tell me I need to say all of them very very sweet so you can see why someone would want to marry her - but the last word had to turn into a menacing evil something or other since when they marry her - they are DEAD (there are other details here but I am a little nervous about saying what they are, since the project is in nascent stages). They put a veil on me (FUCKING YESSSS!) and hand me an ... implement... and have me stand in front of the camera.

Oh! Did I forget to tell you? There's just ONE hitch. I cannot move my head. I am to act as if my head is in a vice. I can move my face as much as I want to express myself - but my head must remain absolutely still so that animators can match it up.

Good LORD, this is FUCKING HARD. It's hard not to tilt slightly or shift the angle of your head ever so slightly to project menace after sweetness. And it's TOTALLY hard to say ONLY the last word with pure evil. Also please recall, again, that I am a spaz.

The first time through is an absolute disaster. I move my head slightly when it comes to the menacing part and then I of course yell OMG I TOTALLY MOVED MY HEAD SORRY!!! And then I did one where, they pointed out, I didn't move my head AND face. I laughed and said "It's like when you lose your voice and other people whisper to you!!". They were really lovely about it- it's such an unnatural way to act that they let me "work through it" several times. I guess I did the 4 lines 4 times through.

I feel like I didn't do the greatest job - in a way, I am perfect for this gig on so many levels, but I spent the majority of my ride home thinking of a MILLION other expressions I could have done. I wonder what people next to me at red lights thought of me making faces in my rear view mirror?

Honestly, my hope in this one is that personality and enthusiasm goes a long way towards booking the job. How cool would it be to be the BRIDE in THE HAUNTED MANSION???

Girlfriends: Starring comma my friend comma...

2006-01-13T07:06:00.000-08:00

Ooookay

Once again I am proven horrifically WRONG in regards to: Legit/Theatrical Auditions Are Not As Interesting Or Funny As Commercial Auditions.

I get a call from Avalon, telling me that I had an audition for the show "Girlfriends" on UPN - she was a little confused, because number one, she had seen no breakdown for the part, and number two it was a call for the producer's session - which is normally the callback - and she didn't remember me having the FIRST audition. I explained to her that I am friends with one of the producers on the show, and that I was sure she had put my name in the hopper. SO NICE OF HER.

It's a short scene, very funny, where I am a court appointed mediator. So I put on my Corporate Barbie outfit and head over to the Paramount lot for my appointment time. The instructions were to find street parking and to use the Gower Entrance. So I park on Gower, and for some reason (who knows why I do ANYTHING) start walking down Melrose towards the Melrose gate. In three inch heels. Suddenly it occurs to me to check my little post it with the instructions on it and AUGH -- I turn around and walk back to the Gower entrance. (Noting the whole way all the available parking that was MUCH closer to my destination).

I tell you this because I need you to know that it was hot out and I was dressed in long sleeves and, well, corporate wear. I check in with security and head over to the casting office. The casting assistant greets me and is SO nice - we chat for a bit and then I just wait. While I am waiting I notice that something smells. And guess what? THAT SOMETHING IS ME. My deodorant had totally FAILED. So, true to form, I say to the casting assistant "Woah, sorry, my deodorant failed and I totally stink." She laughs and says "Don't worry I can't smell you at all."

So I go to the ladies room to see what I can do. I have deodorant in my glove compartment but my car is WAY too far for me to go and come back in time for my appointment. I wet a paper towel, but I don't want to take off my shirt, because with my luck the casting director will pop into the loo and there I'll be in my bra sniffing at my pits. The wet paper towel helps - but since I am a spaz, I get water all over my top. At some point you just have to laugh.

I go in and work with the casting director on the scene, and she says to come on over to the producer's session in the Balaban building at 4:45. Now I have 45 minutes to kill and I need to find the Balaban building. I wander around Paramount trying to find it, buy some birthday presents for Vinny at the Paramount store, take some pictures of the dancing kids, and then just make the decision to go to my car and get my deodorant and come back.

As I am leaving the lot, I crash into a woman coming in the door - I look her straight in the face and apologize profusely - and she says "it's okay, no problem" and I start to go out the door... then realize that she is Gia Carides, so I turn around and blurt out "OH I KNOW who YOU are! You are FABULOUS - my husband and I LOVE you", and then run out the door since I have a time deadline and number one top priority is to get my deodorant. So I have no idea what her reaction is. I sort of think to myself - wow - that was kind of spazzy and embarrassing - but eh, it's not like I will see her again, and hopefully I made her day.

After deodorizing myself thoroughly, I go back through security, get a map and follow it to the Balaban building. I pass the "Blue Sky" which is a giant backdrop painted as the sky, past the water tower, through "New York" and hmm it should be around this corner. I round the corner and CRASH - I body clock a girl coming around that corner the other way. It's Rose McGowan. We apologize to each other and head our separate ways.

The producer's session is full to the brim. The waiting room is overflowing into the hallway. I sign in and wait for a seat to open up. My. Feet. Hurt. Oh look. There is Gia Carides. I smile at her and she smiles back at me. I go over my lines while I wait and then a chair opens, so I take it and sit down. I say to noone in particular, "Man, my feet hurt" and the woman next to me says "oh, is it your shoes?" and I say "No, these shoes aren't bad - it's my actual feet - they are burning" and she says, "Oh I know what you're talking about - I hate that." I look at her and IT IS MARINA SIRTIS.

In case you haven't figured out that the theme of this entry -- and my life for the most part is "Spazzy" and "Blurty", well of COURSE I say "Are you Marina Sirtis?" and she says yes and we start chatting. Let me say this: She is fucking hilarious. For the most part we were bitching about how long it was going to take for us to have our turns - oh and of course (BLURT ALERT) at one point apropos of nothing I say "Wow, you know - you are really stunning in person". And EVERY time she gets up to check and see where our names are on the list, I pull my phone out and begin to text vinny: o m g u wl nvr b ------ but she always comes back before I can finish, and I snap my phone shut, deleting the message. So I wait there with my friend comma Counselor Troi comma and YES there was one point where I was reaching into my bag to get something out and I saw the dancing kids sitting there and I thought...

But no, we are at an audition and she hasn't gone in yet and that's not right. She lends me her magazine at one point, because I have forgotten my book, and while I am flipping through it, a guy across from us says to me "Those shoes are great!" and I say, very enthusiastically, "Thanks! They hurt!", and he laughs and says "Well that doesn't matter!! What matters is that they look good!". All three of us laugh and joke around, and then it is quiet, we are waiting again - i flip through the magazine and he says to her "Do you know who you look like" and I know my eyes got REALLY wide for someone who is casually looking at Dior ads, and inside my head I hear: OMGNONONONONONONONONONONOOOOOOO
DONOTDOTHISPLEASEDONOTDOTHIS

But he says she looks like some obscure tennis player. Now, I don't know tennis, but here's how I know it was obscure: because Marina says that she is a BIG tennis fan and has never heard of her. (OMG look at me like I am on a first name basis with her all chummy now).

It's finally her turn to go in, and so I continue looking at the magazine. And then I notice that the hallway energy has changed -- plus it has gone quiet - except for one voice. It's so familiar, that voice -- I turn to my right and it's Chris Rock.

Marina comma my friend comma comes out of her audition and bustles out the door. Then she comes running back and says "Kristen, I'm sorry, I didn't say goodbye!", shakes my hand and says, "It was such a pleasure meeting you!". OMG make my day why don't you.

After all of this, the producer session is a breeze. They are all quite nice and they LAUGH when I do my scene, which is always such a rewarding thing for me. Who knows? Maybe they were just being nice, or maybe I am WICKEDLY funny - but WHO CARES!? I HUNG OUT WITH DEANNA TROI AND SHE WAS SMART AND FUNNY AND COOL AND NICE AND ALSO NICE. :D

Today I have an audition over at Disney for "The Haunted Mansion". It's categorized as an "Industrial" - which is usually an in-house sort of thing. The character is "Black Widow Bride". So you KNOW I am hoping that it's for one of those holograms or filmstrips they show on the RIDE!! How COOL would that be? (She blurts out, just a little too loud)

*trips and falls and crashes into someone*

Who do you dub?

2006-01-06T18:35:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to One and All.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season - mine was very quiet. We ended up not traveling at all - instead, we just shut off our phones and holed up in front of the Christmas tree that I bought with my winnings. I made beignets and we opened our presents. One of the unforeseen bonuses of not going back East to see family, was that our family sent us money instead of presents - so with some aggressive shopping tactics, I managed to get myself a new digital camera AND a nano! I have arrived!

Okay, actually I have been here the whole time but I was over at the snack table.

My new camera is nice and small - so now it will be easier to take pictures of the dancing kids -- plus, now my friend Elan can stop making fun of my giant digital camera. 12x digital zoom, motherfucker, so shut it!

Anyway, thanks to Yuri, my long lost brother, I have been dubbing foreign films on a pretty regular basis. This kind of work is, oh... what's the word I am looking for... oh yes, HILARIOUS.

When people ask me how I am finding L.A., I always say, "well, there certainly is a LOT of work out here"... and this is exactly what I am talking about. "Hidden" projects -- I mean, of COURSE someone that doesn't speak Thai will want to watch a Thai monster movie! That movie needs to be dubbed into English! Why.... I am JUST THE GIRL TO DO IT!!

It's not unlike when you learn a new word, and suddenly you hear it in every conversation (with perhaps the exception of "troglodyte" or "defenestration" which only Michael Stipe seems to use on a semi-regular basis). Same phenomenon.

It reminds me of when I first started doing commercial print work. It's as if your eyes are opened to things that have always been around you, but you never noticed them - happy smiling faces on brochures, bills, and products everywhere! (In fact, a very funny story involves a friend of mine who had a hellish traveling experience: Her flight was delayed by hours, she missed the connection, arrived at 3 a.m. with a 2 hour drive ahead of her, the rental car area was seemingly miles from the terminal, the rental car agency had no record of her reservation and said she had to make a new reservation, but their computers were down, and so gave her miles of paperwork to fill out... she turns away from the counter, lowers herself to the ground in exhaustion before tackling the paperwork and looks up to see ME, larger than life, happy and smiling with my fake kids and fake husband getting into our beautiful rental car on the sunniest day evAR. She said she just laughed and laughed like a crazy person and then yelled "OH, FUCK YOU, KRISTEN!!" at the glowing sign.)

So this is the same thing - jobs that are everwhere. Call your credit card company - someone had to record that menu, call your voicemail, someone had to ask you for your password and tell you how many messages you have, Go to Disneyland - someone has to say, "¡Por favor! ¡Guarde sus brazos dentro del coche siempre!!!" --and do you really think John Rhys-Davies has the time to keep updating the voice of Sallah for the Indiana Jones ride? (I actually met the guy who does that VO at a recording for Kingdom Hearts 2). It's endless when you are listening for it.

Anyway. This kind of recording is not like doing voiceover for Disney, where great care is given towards the preservation of the spirit of the original project. My contact at Disney told me that he wanted to give me a juicier part in Kingdom Hearts 2 but that my voice was not an exact match for any of the voices in the japanese version of the game, hence, the Walla work. (Hey, work is work and I was THRILLED to do it!!) Hot cha cha.

This work is what you would call "down and dirty". The first session I did, I happened to run into Mr. Yuri himself coming out of his session, and he warned me that there were "no beeps" and "don't expect more than one take" -- and hooooo boy was I glad he told me!

A lot of places will give you three beeps before you speak - it's a rhythm thing - beep-beep-beep-speak. Some places, you can request "streamers" too - vertical lines that move across the screen signaling you when to speak. Here, you are handed a script with time codes down the side. They tell you in the headphones what's going on in the scene and play it once for you, rewind it aaaaaand GO!!!

So I find myself in a matter of moments doing the following: Listening to the direction being given to me in my headphones, finding the time code on the page, looking at the line, looking at the lines around it to get more of a sense of the conversation and what's going on in the scene, matching the time code to the one on the screen, watching the scene as it plays out on the monitor to see how the character's mouth is moving and to see how much time I have to say the line then GO! It's totally frantic until you get the hang of it - This too is rhythm, you just have to adjust. Often, I will do it once, thinking "there is no way they are going to use this take" - but they will say MOVING ON - they are thrilled if you can match up the spoken line to the character's mouth moving on the screen.

At a recent session, they were so pleased because I actually cried in a scene when the character cried, AND matched the movement of the mouth of the character - all in one take. I guess they are used to "BOOHOOHOOOBOOHOOHOO".

What happens if I don't synch up perfectly? Well, sometimes I will see that I had more time for a line, or less time and will do it again (and I am always a little pleased to have the second take). Sometimes they will say, "ANGRIER/FASTER/FRUSTRATED/MORE IN LOVE" - which always makes me think of Sean Stewart asking me so sweetly to,

"do it again, but this time..."

"I know, Sean, I know... Act better..."

--- but if it's just a hair or a moment off, the engineer works his magic and synchs it up so it is perfect. I am always amazed at the feats these guys can achieve with audio.

When my parents were visiting back in December, we went out for dinner one night, and they asked me how work that day had been, and what I had done. "Well," I said, "First I was an older boss lady and I had to yell at my young workers to stop slacking off.."

*does older lady voice*

"then I was a giggly drunk girl..."

*giggles*

"and then I was a girl whose boyfriend is hallucinating that she has turned into an old hag while they were having sex, so he tries to strangle her, but she gets away and runs away screaming..."

*makes choking sounds but doesn't scream since they are in a nice restaurant*

My parents just stared, and then started laughing.

"Boy, you have an odd job"

Merry Christmas to all...

2005-12-21T16:02:00.000-08:00

It's official: Christmas has kicked my ass.

For a myriad of reasons, we decided not to go back east to see our families this holiday season. One of those reasons is that it would be a massive hassle and very stressful in terms of scheduling -- trying to nail down dates and actually COMMIT to them.

What I didn't count on was how stressful it would be trying to get all the presents wrapped, cookies baked, stockings stuffed, packaged and shipped off from the post office. Monday night I literally had ONE HOUR to run all over the Promenade and try to find the three last items on the list -- also the three hardest people to buy for.

When I say run, I mean run. I was running. I only had one hour because when I had arrived earlier that evening, after fighting traffic and then fighting for a parking space, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. Who wants obsceneties for Christmas? hmmm?? Cause I have a bunch left over after that....

And man, do I need to get to the gym in the new year cause my body has hurt for days now. I hurt myself shopping. That is the definition of "out of shape".

So, that night, I was up very late packaging everything and loading up the car -- then got up super early to get to the post office - which can only be described as an "harrowing" experience, and finally got everything sent off. What a relief!! And now a reward! Time to bitch about it! And who's calling on my phone?? That Boy! Yay!

Now, That Boy has been in New Orleans for over a week scouting stories for "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" - and suffice to say - what he is seeing is horrible. Abandoned cars littering the streets, boats in trees, trash everywhere, people with stories that are unimaginable. When he calls, he tells me a story about a man who was trapped in his house as the water was rising -- watched his garage door buckle from the water pressing up against it - looked out of his glass doors to see what was like looking into a very filthy aquarium -- escaped, grabbed a small boat and managed to save 37 people by shuttling them to safety while navigating water filled with debris and dangerous power lines.

THIS TOTALLY NEGATES MY STORY OF MY RUNNING IN THE MALL AND THE MEAN PEOPLE IN THE LONGEST LINE EVAR AT THE POST OFFICE. As a friend of ours once said after letting Vinny tell a story before he told his story "Awwwww man... Vinny's story totally kicks my story's ass!!!"

*checks christmas list*

huh, i didn't ask for perspective...

With V's schedule changing every minute over at EM:HE, and me having auditions and gigs up until Christmas (FYI - I got a callback for that feature film that I auditioned for while my parents were in town, not to mention another for a Movie of the Week -- maybe I should stay in town around the Holiday Season more often?) it looks like we may not even be able to take the small trip we had (tentatively of course) planned - which was a drive to Portland OR to see one of my best friends, a jaunt to Seattle to see my friend, Elan, back to Portland, a stop in San Francisco to see many, many people and back to Hell-Ay before the New Year.

Hmm... if only they had better pizza in this town, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to hole up together in front of the Christmas tree in 60 to 7o degree weather, and not be disturbed. Maybe it works with excellent tacos or sushi?

Anyway, a very Merry Christmas to all - Happy Chanukah (as Beth likes to say to her husband and others, "Light that menorah, you crazy jew!"), Happy Festivus, Rockin' Kwanzaa, Joyful, erm... conscientious objectors etc.... I hope all of you have a happy and healthy and safe holiday season. May the new year bring you tidings of comfort and joy and lots of money. Wait. Did I say that or think that?!? Of course, I meant something deep and wondrous like true happiness! I would never say something crass like cash! Money can't buy you an ipod!! Oh fuck! Did i say ipod? I meant LOVE. LOVE. I would LOVE an ipod. AUUGH!!

*runs away*

*stops and bends over slightly because her quads are still aching from running the other night*

*remembers that people in New Orleans are much worse off*

*whimpers just a little anyway*

*packs gym bag*

*gets distracted by plate of christmas cookies*

Merck Callback (uh-huh OF COURSE)

2005-12-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

My parents have been visiting this week.

Everyone in this business knows that a surefire way to get auditions, or work, is to buy a plane ticket. The other way to get auditions and work is to have your parents visit you. And the shorter amount of time they are in town, the more auditions you will have.

For instance, when Beth's father was in town recently for ONE DAY, Beth got a call from her agent the day before he arrived with THREE auditions for THAT DAY he was there.

I met up with my parents in Disneyland on Tuesday morning. Our original plan for Wednesday was to have breakfast, spend a little time in the park with the friends they were visiting earlier that week, then drive back up to Los Angeles in time for me to get to a voiceover session that I had been booked on for that afternoon. We were at the Disneyland Hotel, about to go out to dinner on Tuesday night, when I noticed I had a voicemail. It was my agent and yep.... I had a callback for Merck at 12:05pm on Wednesday. When I called her back, she just picked up the phone and laughed and laughed and laughed. We discussed it, and decided eh, why not go to the callback.

Now, this meant that I had to drag my parents back up to Los Angeles from Disneyland earlier than expected - and since traffic was still pretty bad at that hour - there was no way I was going to make it to my house with enough time to get to the audition... so I left them at Norm's - a diner with great breakfasts. (In case you think this was cruel of me, it's important to note that my family, including me, are diner enthusiasts - they were THRILLED to be there).

So, as it turns out.... the commercial is about HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) and is more about the dangers of cervical cancer. The casting director explains to us that the spot does not have us saying at any point "I have HPV" or "I have cervical cancer", but we would have to sign papers that say there is the possibility that someone watching the commercial might infer that we were infected with HPV or had cancer. So in the end, not as bad as it could be -- i.e. um, I dunno - finally able to take mambo lessons since my vaginal itching has subsided or something like that.

The director is a documentary filmmaker and wants us to be "as real as possible". They are asking the same questions as last time, and they want to see us be lighthearted and fun, and then go to the serious discussion of terminal illness.

So I go in there and there's the producers and directors sitting there -- and everyone comments on my shoes. They ARE pretty awesome, and I get tons of comments on them - they are good ice breakers. They are those sort of Moroccan looking slippers that are popular now, but these are unusual in that they are blue-ish with silver "bb's" studded all over them. One producer asks me if they are "actual metal" and gets up to come get a closer look. I say that to me they are cupcake sprinkles - but that everything to me looks like it should go on a cupcake....

segue into....

YES - PRINCESS YUM YUM BLAH BLAH SQUAWK SQUAWK CARAMELS MARSHMALLOWS BLABBY BLABBY.

...then comes the "terminal illness" part. I tell the story - but I am not emotional like last time - I don't know -- something maybe about dropping my dad off at Norm's moments before, having him here in town with me makes it seem less like I am going to lose him at any moment. I just tell the story, and this time - say that we got some results back that were great news - but that we were cautiously optimistic.

I am pretty sure that I didn't get it. I don't know why. I felt like they liked me very much, but I just got the feeling that my answer the 2nd time around wasn't what they were looking for. But you know, I also thought that I wouldn't book Commander in Chief and when I did book it that they would show my face for at least ONE SECOND when I did book it. Sheesh. It shoots on the 13th/14th of December, so my guess is that if I don't hear anything today, that I am right. But.... then again.....

This is why I think it's important to walk away from these things looking at it as "what can I do better next time" -- a healthy way to approach your career and the quality of work you do within your vocation -- but NOT second guessing yourself and trying to figure out "what they want" -- a maddening task that does you not-a-whit of good.

So... off to pick up my parents at Norm's, then off to my voiceover gig, then back to pick them up so we can go to dinner, then I guess on Thursday we have the WHOLE DAY TOGETHER so we can can spend our time...

Oh... huh...

it turns out I had the day wrong on the VO session - guess with all the activity I jotted it down wrong -- they need me to come in on THURSDAY, not Wednesday. *smacks head repeatedly*... but at least I can.... oh hey -- it's my agent calling during dinner on Wednesday night -- I have an audition for a feature film right in the middle of the VO session on Thursday, but it might be possible for me to go before or after the session and here are the THREE PAGES of sides to look over this evening....

*explodes*

Postscript: My parents left at 5am this morning to go home, and I promised to come and visit them in January or February. Today (Friday)... my schedule? Wide-open.

Merck

2005-11-30T14:09:00.000-08:00

Holy crap.

So I get a call from my agent in the morning -- same day audition (and you know how we loooove those) for Merck pharmaceuticals -- but, she says, there is something strange in that the breakdown mentions that it's for STD's.

It's the dreaded STD audition.

When I call her back, we discuss what it could be - theorizing that Merck, being a pharmaceutical company is putting out something like Valtrex or what-not. She says it's the full boat - i.e. a national campaign that includes all markets, including cable and print and who knows what else. Which means LOADS AND LOADS of cash if you book it.

Not so long ago, the spot you wanted to book was a car or a beer commercial -- big money -- and they tend to run the shit out of the spots, so the CHA CHING you hear in your head is deafening. Today everyone wants a pharmaceutical ad -- because, well, have you WATCHED television lately? You got a syndrome? They got a pill!

The first thing I say to her is "Um... Kate? I don't want to be Joey...", but we agree that it's better to go to the audition, meet the casting director, see if I get a callback and then decide what to do from there. In other words, cross that syphilitic, pustule, sore ridden, burnie pee bridge when I come to it.

Dress? Clean face, casual, no low cut blouses or tank tops. My take on this? Don't look like a slut who DESERVES an STD for dressing like a WHORE.

Okay.... So I get there and wait for an hour and a half, looking at a script that is about seatbelt safety for children. See, they just want the "feel" of - um - I don't know what -- but whatever it is, they think that if you can talk about how many children die because their seatbelts are on incorrectly, then you sure as hell can talk about STD's.

And oddly -- they are bringing us in 3 at a time. This way we can see what the CD is asking us to do instead of having to explain it over and over. She is having one person sit in a chair to the side and watch, and the other person standing next to the camera to interact with the person saying the lines on camera.

I am in the chair. The first girl slates her name, and the casting director says "Tell me about yourself!" -- AUGH. Such a horrid question --- "be interesting!", they might as well say... Well, at least I have my alter ego - they always love to hear about the yum yum. It's a good sound bite.

This girl has a collection of moist towelettes. I love her for this.

The next question?

*sigh*

"So, tell us, have you ever had a friend or family member with a terminal illness?"

My heart starts to pound and there is a rushing in my ears. I honestly do not know what her answer was. I felt my face get hot and I thought, " Maybe I can just excuse myself. Maybe there is a way to walk out of this room without being melodramatic."

We switch, and now I am next to the camera. My heart will not slow down, no matter how much yogic breathing I practice. I try to focus on the girl who is up - really listen to her so that I am not focusing on myself and not spinning around in my head, and this helps my nerves somewhat.

... when my turn comes, I step up and slate my name. I tell her about myself - Princess Yum Yum blah blah caramels and marshmallows for xmas squawk squawk yes i make everything from scratch blabby blabby... and talking about it relaxes me somewhat.

Then she asks it.

And I say, "Yes, actually... my dad..." -- and I cannot go on. I get totally emotional and start bawling. BLEAAAHHHHHH!!!! I finally manage to get a hold of myself by discussing some of the details of his operation and diagnosis and the reappearance of the shadow on the x-rays and the chemo....

...and then I lied.

A few weeks ago we got some really great news -- the latest scans show that the shadow is gone. Poisoning my dad to the point of near death seems to have chased it away for now. We are cautiously happy about this, but of course, it is wonderful news that comes in time for the holidays.

However ... I guess I felt so dumb for crying like that, that I felt the need to lie and say that he had just finished chemo, and that we were waiting on the results of the scans at this very moment. It makes no sense at all as to why I would, in essence, pretend that this week is a few weeks ago, if you know what I mean...

...but as I said to Vinny when I told him that I had spontaneously lied, "If you can't lie about your Dad's cancer, then what CAN you lie about?"...

GAAHHHHH

EL-OH-EL

2005-11-29T21:07:00.000-08:00

They cut me!

Well, the back of my head had a trailer and a stand-in and will get residuals every time they play that episode.

OMG though, LMAO

Blink and You'll Miss it

2005-11-23T20:34:00.000-08:00

Commander in Chief:
November 29th at 9pm on ABC

I am 99% percent sure that I am in the teaser, so you'll be able to go back to watching "House" without missing too much of it....

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Commander in Chief

2005-11-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

i booked it!

I start shooting on Monday - call time FIVE AM.

You want Ironic? I give you.... Commander in Chief

2005-11-03T23:47:00.000-08:00

Remember how I said blah blah blah blah blah legit auditions blah blah couple of days notice blah blah blah blah rarely last minute blah blah....?

(yes, you need a specific version of a babelfish to filter important information when I am talking)

So today I am MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS (which is defined differently from week to week. This week it usually means "watching 'Smallville' on Netflix and making unconscious tiny hmms while doing so... I MEAN COME ON!! HAVE YOU TAKEN A GOOD LOOK AT KAL-EL LATELY? while eating 'boo! cookies'...") ...when my agent calls with a last minute audition for a reporter on the show "Commander in Chief".

AUUUGH.

Two lines - sucky because you REAAAAALLY can't get a sense of "how you did".

Ironically Yours: Cold Case

2005-11-01T06:57:00.000-08:00

A couple of people have asked me why I only blog about commercial auditions as opposed to my film or theatre auditions. Well, my feeling is that commercial auditions are *much* more interesting and funnEH to blog about, since they are usually last minute events that require you to do the ridiculous and unexpected. There is nothing you can do to prep for a commercial audition - you just have to be on your toes and ready for anything. *cough*pio!*cough*

Auditions for Film, Television and Theatre (in New York we call them "legit" -- here in Los Angeles they call it "Theatrical", which are both highly ironic terms if you ask me....) are a little more reliable in what you can expect from them. You get the script ("sides") a few days before your appointment, (well, hopefully), you prepare them, and then you go in and do your best. The majority of the time, the audition is "whenever you're ready....", a read through and then maybe a redirect -- or a "thank you!". Rarely are you thrown an extreme curveball.

Though there *was* the time I read for a film back in NYC, and prepared the sides, and when I got there they said "oh, can you do it in a Russian accent please?" and then said, "Oh and also can you make it so she's on the toilet finishing up a piss at the top of the scene".

*blink*

And in February of this year I got a call from my manager - the casting director had apparently been searching for me on the recommendation of a director she knew - she wanted me to come in and read for the lead in "Kitchen Confidential"... I got the call at 4:30pm and my audition was at 6pm... in the valley. During rush hour the valley is an hour and a half to two hours from my house....

So there I was, on the phone with my manager, dripping wet from a shower, standing in front of my closet while she read me the breakdown of the character so I could choose clothes that were appropriate. Vinny drove me to the audition so I could put on makeup in the car and look at the script on the way - ulcer gulch, man.

But for the most part it's standard, get the sides, prepare the sides, read them for casting director, go home and try and forget it ever happened.

Every casting office is different. They run things differently, they prefer things *their* way and there is no hard and fast rule as to what to expect. Last week I auditioned for a "co-star poossible guest star" on the show "Cold Case" - and this office cracked me up because they have signs posted EVERYWHERE telling you that they have no bathrooms. They have to do this because of union rules. They have no bathrooms because the offices are on the Warner Brothers lot in "Warner Village" which looks like Wisteria Lane from Desperate Housewives. (All the lots are surreal in some kind of way - one time when I was at Disney, the commissary was full of pirates, and Victor Garber biked by me on his way to the Alias set.)

Anyway, the holding area for actors for "Cold Case" is in what would be the garage of this beautiful house. No bathroom. And what's next to the door when you first walk in? A water cooler. Is it me or is that just plain mean? As they move down the list of people to audition, they bring 3 at a time outside and upstairs to the casting room. As we sat there waiting for our turn to read, we heard a familiar sound - the flush of a toilet. The girl next to me turned to me and said "Oh, now they are just MOCKING us!" and it cracked me up.

They only brought 5 of us back to producers and she was one of the 5, which was actually cool, because she was funny and chatty and we had a great time. The 5 of us couldn't have been MORE different in the way we looked, which I think also makes it easier for all of us to be less stressed about the callback - it was going to come down to the "look" they wanted, and there's nothing you can do about the color of your skin and hair -- so you just do your best. Something like this can also come down to who else they have cast -- A casting director for another major show on CBS told me that if you look too much like another character that week, they won't hire you -- the network feels that it "confuses" the audience.

I did not book it - and frankly I was surprised I got to producers due to a line in the script that wouldn't make sense if they cast me (hint - olive skin), but people who read my blog may be interested -- and dare i say it -- HAPPY -- to hear that the BOBA BAR WAS OPEN!!!! I was able to enjoy a boba in-between my audition in the morning and the producer session that evening. It's the little things in life. Little tapioca bead things.

Would you sell your soul to the MAN or the MOUSE?

2005-10-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

Finally.

So let's talk about what a pain in the ass it is to get new pictures.

Here is my old headshot. This was taken in NYC and it's what my old commercial agent was using to get me auditions. It's a nice picture - it still looks like me *makes sign of the cross and kisses fingers* - but it's verrrrrry New York - B&W, film, and Artsy. Out here everything is COLOR COLOR COLOR BRIGHT AND SHINY SLEEK AND GLOSSY. So it was time for new pictures in order to really compete and be part of the market.

Digital photography has changed everything. It's completely mind boggling how it's changed the business in so many ways. Not to mention -- now that we have da intrawebz, the business moves a lot faster than it used to. An agent will still messenger your 8x10 picture to a casting director for consideration of something they are casting at that moment - but a lot of stuff is done online - especially commercials. Often, your agent will email your headshot in a file to a casting director, or use an online casting site to make submissions. So the casting director is usually looking at a page of thumbnail photos - as opposed to a hard copy 8x10 photo.

What does that mean in terms of the WAY a photo looks? Well things haven't changed in terms of "it's in the eyes". But back in NY it was a good idea to have a 3/4 shot of yourself in a headshot - show some body - otherwise - what are you hiding? However, when you are a thumbnail, it's important to have your face as big as possible, so the eyes grab them. A 3/4 shot (like above) gets lost in thumbnail form.

Now that photographers shoot on digital for the most part, instead of film, it changes the headshot process as well. For example, when you are shooting on film, one question you ask is how many rolls of film you get for the money you are spending. With digital - you ask how many times you can change outfits. My photographer told me I could wear sweatpants if I wanted, because they only shoot from the waist up.

So I chose a photographer, set up a shoot date and got ready. That means I did stupid grooming stuff -- went to the gym, got a haircut , got my eyebrows waxed, got a facial, stopped eating so many pastries, studied pictures that I thought were well done and picked out clothes.... okay, OKAY, shopped for new clothes. Craig, Renee and I discussed what kinds of "looks" they wanted the photographer to get so that they could submit as needed.

I shot on a Wednesday - if I had done it on film - it would have been a week before I would have to return to the photographer to get my contact sheets. Then they suggest you "sit with them" a week before you make any decisions. You only have one set of contact sheets. If you have an agent, you have to drop the contact sheets off at their office for them to look over. They "sit on them" for a while. Then you pick them up and if you have a manager - you take them to your manager's office for them to look at, and then your commercial agent's office to have them "sit on them".... man - it takes forever and you do a lot of traveling about town. You round up their choices and your own, then you call the photographer and tell them which ones you want printed as an 8x10. Another week goes by. You go back to the photographer to get the hard copy 8x10, and then you take it to a retoucher - another week. After that it's off to the reproduction house - another week before you pick them up and are ready to staple them to your resumes and use them.

I am tired just typing this.

The shoot only took 2 hours and I got an email that my pictures were available for viewing the next evening. I clicked on the link and paid to have them uploaded to a website so that I could view them as thumbnails, then click on each thumbnail to view the shots as 8x10's in my choice of color, b/w and sepia. There were THIRTEEN HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE PICTURES of me. This website gives you the ability to narrow it down to your "favorites" and then email the favorites to anyone you want for them to look at. They can then pick their favorites and both of you have the ability to order what you want in whatever size.

So I had to wade through thirteen hundred pictures of me and narrow it down to about 175. Look, I like me and all, but I didn't even want to look in the MIRROR when I was done with this task - I was so fucking sick of my face. Bleaaaah.

And here's the thing! When you are looking at a contact sheet from film - at a glance, 2 pictures might look the same - but when you put a loup up to them - you can see that there is a slight change - a slight difference - something behind the eyes maybe - a shift that makes the difference between blank and engaged. When you are shooting a KABILLION pictures a second - there are maybe 15 or so frames that are THE SAME. So which one do you pick?!?!!? AUUUUGH.

I narrowed it down to 175 and emailed them off to Craig and Renee. Craig got back to me pretty quickly and narrowed it down to about 15 choices. I ordered 4x6 copies for us to look at together in his office. Then we narrowed that down to about 9 or 10 final shots and I ordered 8x10's of those. Once those were ready to go, I picked them up and brought them home, scanned them into my computer and uploaded them to the online casting sites. Then I brought them to a reproduction house to get lithos made, stapled them to my resume, cut them down, brought craig some for his hardcopy submissions, and put some in my portfolio to carry with me. At auditions 9 times out of 10 they will ask for a copy, and anyway, I ALWAYS have a copy on me no matter where I go, just in case. If I am carrying a purse that is too small to hold an 8x10, you can bet that I have a business card with my picture on it. If you ever bump into me - ask me for one. I will prove it.

The last step is to prepare envelopes and do a mailing to all the casting directors.

The whole process is expensive. Not counting anything I might have spent on haircuts and clothes - just the little fees here and there that add up to big money!

Here's how it breaks down (rounded numbers):

The photographer/headshot session: $685 (including makeup - some photographers have you pay the makeup artist separately in cash - around 125-150$)
Once the session is done, the photographer sends the digital files to be uploaded to a website. It's 10$ per 300 pictures uploaded and remember i had friggin' 1375 pictures. So that was 50$
File under "can you believe THIS scam" - that 50$ only gets me a MONTH of the website - I had to pay $20 to get a DVD copy of the pictures for myself. I could have paid more to extend the time on the website but meh. They have all kinds of ways to charge you - things I didn't need because I can take care of them myself - like: they will resize your pictures to the exact specifications of each online site (and oh yes - each one is different - some want .tiff, some want .jpg, some want 60o pixels width at 72dpi etc...) they also offer retouching online - thankfully I didn't need any - but if I did pfffttt hello CLONE stamp in adobe! The bright side of buying the DVD is that I now OWN the pictures.
The 4x6 copies were 19$
The 8x10's were 118$
Putting the picture in the online and hardcopy Academy Directory $75
Uploading pictures to Breakdown Services (my agent uses this for mostly film and television submissions) 2 pictures free then 10$ per picture after that - I put 3 extra on there $30
NowCasting - I didn't have to pay anything - just change the pictures - but I pay 10$ a month to belong to thatm so let's count it for the month
LAcasting - THE commercial casting website - almost all commercials are cast through here - it would have been over 100$ but thank goodness - a friend of mine works there and was kind enough to COMP me.
Reproductions: 115$ for 300 - So far I have gotten 300 of 2 shots - so that was 230$ plus tax - I will have to go back and get postcards and new business cards - but the business cards I am holding out on since I am doing something completely different with them - but the post cards will be 70$
I didn't have to buy any ink for my printer or staples or paper - but consider that i am using all my own resources to print up my resumes....
9x11 envelopes 5$ for 100
Postage - 72$ for 120 6o cent stamps

Plus gas for driving all over the place. Gas that is now over 3$ a gallon!!

Thank goodness I've been booking paying gigs. I did a couple of small VO jobs early in September and a couple of random print jobs - but best of all --starting this month I will be working on Kingdom Hearts 2 - we LOVE that disnEH monEH. The ironic thing is that I went to Disneyland for the very first time a few days before I booked the gig and because it wasn't that much more expensive - we bought SoCal passes so we can go whenever we want.

I was even thinking about starting a blog about shrink wrapped sugar cookies with royal icing - i have always been fascinated with them - and had just bought a Minnie Mouse one, on my trip to Mouseland that was delicious! (MUCH better than the Cinderella one - and I KNEW it would be - such is my power to determine what makes a good pastry) So we are all UP with DISNEY in our house. I TOLD you that one of the ways they get your SOUL is in the salt they sprinkle on the mickey mouse shaped soft pretzels. It just takes months before it kicks in.

For your consideration.

Larry King was "Hot".

2005-08-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

*clears away cobwebs*

hello?

...

hello?

*taps on glass*

sigh.

Sorry so quiet -- been working on all the lovely boring business things that go into working with a new agency -- including getting new pictures. gah.

I don't usually blog about my "legit" auditions (i.e. film, theatre and television) but... I did have a very strange audition for a film that was held on the top floor of the CNN building on Sunset Blvd. The whole thing was really odd - but the main thing was - the water main had broken - thus killing the building A/C, and it was HOT as Hades in the building - I had to keep running downstairs (okay taking the elevator) to plug money in my meter (terrible until you consider that it was about 20 degrees cooler OUTSIDE) - and on one trip down, Larry King got in the elevator and was also complaining about how hot it was.

Update

2005-08-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

Well. I emailed Craig to tell him "YEAH BABY! LET'S ROCKIT!"... but clearly in more professional terms. He called me on Monday, very excited to get working and to start sending me out. He asked if I wanted to go ahead and call my current agent to tell them that I was making the change ... and I started to say, "Well, I think I want to do this on August 1st..." --- only to realize that it WAS August 1st. Time flies when you're... what is it that I DO all day, anyway?

SO... I said that I would like to send the old agent a letter via certified mail, as stated in my contract (that expired in February), and hit them with the phone call at the same time. That it would probably be the end of this week. He said that was no problem and that I should call him once it was taken care of.

eep. okay, so actually, it's more that i was a PUSSY and SCARED to make that phone call right at that moment. WTF????? I mean, I don't know WHY!! I am a grown-up after all.... well - okay - negotiable, yes.... but still. I do know one reason right off the bat - and that is this: I hate the phone. I hate talking on the phone, I hate doing business on the phone - especially negative business, I NEVER answer my cellphone or home phone, I just hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. (If any beekeepers are reading this... I will wait until you stop laughing - but it is TRUE.)

I sat down after I got off the phone with him and wrote the "Dear John" letter. Okay. And Tuesday and Wednesday went by so quickly, and I would look at the clock and realize that it was 6 something and I couldn't POSSIBLY call them then... nosirreeeeee. I am appalled at my pussiness. APPALLED.

So today around 2pm while Vinny was getting a haircut, and I was waiting for him, I marched out of the studio and just CALLED. Asked for the assistant and broke it to her first. I said " I have some bad news - I think it is time for me to move on..." blabby blabby blabby blabby. She was very nice about it, said she would take a message and was sure they would want to talk to me since I was a "long time client" (to which I said "one and a half years") and I told her that I knew I should write them a letter, but she said that she didn't know what needed to be done, that they would know better and tell me when they called. I reiterated that it was hard to make the phone call - they were all lovely people and I liked them very much, but I couldn't pass up this opportunity and it was only a business decision jabba jabba jabba.

so yippeeeee!!!

btw... not that anyone is taking NOTE of things like this but it is now 8pm and my phone has YET to ring....

Toyota

2005-07-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

I am walking on the beach, breathing in the ocean, when my cell phone rings and it's THAT NUMBER.

It's my agent's assistant. They are calling to tell me that they read my blog and have decided to beat me to the punch and drop me before I drop them. Can you believe it?

Okay, not really. They are calling with an audition for Toyota. Time is 2:08pm. Dress is nice, casual. I think that's what they say instead of, "I don't know how you are supposed to be dressed for this" or "I didn't ask how you were supposed to be dressed for this".

So I head on over there and arrive LONG before 2:08. There are tons of auditions in the 10 studios in this space, so the waiting room is crowded. Fun fact #1: Beth had an audition at 3:00 in the same studio but I missed her! Fun fact #2: The waiting room didn't seem to have air conditioning. So a lot of happy people!

I see two people I know. One is a guy I did a showcase with years ago in NYC. I haven't seen him since then. He's a nice guy, but you know what? It's too fucking hot in the studio to bother. The other guy is a guy that I see in the movies and on the glowy box all the time. He always plays Russians and is very good. I think about going up to him, introducing myself, and telling him that I have noticed him in so many things, and he is always excellent, but you know what? It's too fucking hot.

The spot is a pregnant woman and her husband. The woman taking our polaroids tells "all her wives" to put their hair up, and wipe off their lipstick. We are not supposed to look "good". No problem. I am hot and tired and didn't wear makeup because I thought "Fuck it, it is too hot." Plus, since I am currently a band of wandering menstruals, I've got the bloated part down pretty awesome. TMI or Full Disclosure? You be the judge.

The woman in this commercial is commenting that her avocados don't taste as good as the ones she remembers. So the husband drives in his Toyota *puts hand over mouth and mumbles name of truck* and rips up the tree in his wife's grandmother's yard and brings her THE actual avocados of her childhood. It cuts to her saying "These ones taste much better!". Then they added another ending where she is in the doorway with the phone saying "Mi Amor, te llama la abuela!".

Yes. It is another "throw Spanish at Kristen" audition. But you know what? I don't mind speaking Spanish. I used to be somewhat fluent, but have lost it over the years. So if you GIVE me lines in Spanish, I can SAY them. I can SING "La Tortura" along with Shakira. And we ALL KNOW that I can CLUCK LIKE A CHICKEN in SPANISH... What I cannot do is IMPROV in Spanish and I am happy they are not asking me to do so. Life is all relative.

It does bother me a bit to have a line where I utter my PET PEEVE phrase -- which is "These Ones". AUUUUGGGGH. There is NO such thing as "These Ones" or "Those Ones". There are "THESE" and "THOSE". It's worse than "a whole nother thing". Define what "nother" means please. Oof.

They have more men than women. HAHAHAHAAAA HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!! So they ask some of the women to go twice. I am one of them. Hey, no problem - it's TWO shots in front of the camera and the camera room is nice and cooooooool. We discovered this during the "explanation" - the camera room is easily 20 to 30 degrees cooler than the waiting room. It should have been raining in the doorway.

A guy next to me strikes up a conversation. I have been sitting with my hair clip in my hand - which has beads on it, and I have been shaking them in my hand absent mindedly. He asks me if they are worry beads - and I laugh and tell him it's to keep my hair back. He comments that they are the same color as my shirt - and asks if I did that on purpose... I did not - i just pulled it out of my bag. "So it's a good omen!" he says. "We'll see.", I say. He says "Ahh, I don't believe in omens anyway, good or bad" and I smile and say "What about curses?". This part of the story would have been exponentially funnier if he had moved away from me - but he laughed.

They call our names and he is my first "husband"! We smile at each other. He climbs over the carpeted block which serves as a seat and turns around saying "too bad you can't do the same" (I am wearing a skirt) but trails off when he sees that I, too, am climbing over the barrier and he says "um okay so I guess you CAN make it". I say, "Cotton, baby...".

I am not exactly the daintiest flower you know.

The first go-round with my first "husband" goes well. They ask if I can speak Spanish and like a big stupid dork I say " I can pronounce it". WTF? Who says "pronounce"? That makes no fucking sense. When my second "husband" comes in, he shakes my hand and says " I know you" - and he does! We've auditioned together before! As husband and wife! We actually chat a bit in Spanish and I am thinking "Now? Now you can whip out the Spanish? 5 minutes ago wouldn't have been a good time to say en Espanol - 'I read it and understand it but I am sorry that my Spanish is not so great right now.'????!!??!"

I don't know if booking this spot would make the agent transition complicated. After all, I technically don't have a contract with the current agent! I get stuck behind a guy in a Toyota Tundra (Tundra! That was the name!) f.o.r.e.v.e.r. in traffic on the way home and wonder if it's an omen or a curse.

Taking Care of Business

2005-07-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot going on this summer; both personally and professionally.

My dad has been sick for quite some time now, which means top priority is to get home as often as possible to visit. Which means I have to "book out" and let my agent know that I am not available for auditions or work during that time. Actually - last month I was home and I forgot to book out and they called with an appointment. Um, le whoops!

Plus, it's summer, and things are normally verrrrry slow in the summertime (although one can't help but think that it's a conspiracy to keep one from knowing the TRUTH!! AND THE TRUTH IS.... um... it's SOMETHING DIABOLICAL!!!!) So of course that means that this year, and more importantly, right now, commercial auditions have been few and far between. Which is all rather nail-biting, to say the least, since this is my JOB.

On top of all of this, there has been another thing to ponder swirling around in my head. I would guess that the most common conversation among actors, and frankly the most boring topic is "should I move to another agency?". My situation for the past couple of months has been this:

Back in NYC I had a commercial agent that I adored. It was one of the things that was hard to leave behind. Well, lo and behold, I get a call from him back in April telling me that he is moving back to L.A. (he is originally from here) and opening his own full service boutique agency, and wanted me to sign with him - definitely theatrically (have I mentioned this? In NY we call film, television and theatre "legit" and out here they call it "theatrical" -- ironic since there is barely any theatre here) but if possible he wanted me "across the board" -- which means theatrically as well as commercially. At the time he called, I was interviewing with theatrical agents (right now Renee at Freeze Frame manages me on that end) so I told him I would STOP immediately! I also told him I was already signed with a commercial agent but that we would discuss my "current situation".

So what is my "current situation"? Well in the interest of full disclosure: here it is. Get ready, it's totally confusing. I signed with my current agent - a "top tier" agent in February of 2004 - a 1 year contract that included voiceover and print as well as "on camera" commercials. They are very nice people - always ask about my dad when I see them - things like that... but here's how it breaks down.

Print: They have never sent me on a "go-see" - those of you who watch ANTM know what that is. The modeling world is so funny. They call it a "go see" because I really think most models wouldn't know what to do if they didn't just spell it out. We need you to GO SEE this photographer. Also realize that I am not a model like those girls that don't eat and do high fashion. I am a "lifestyles" model - which means "We're happy! We're Healthy! We love this product! We eat pudding with a spoon!"

Voiceover: In the world of VO - your agent has a VO booth and when you audition, you come to the office, read the copy, and they email the file to the casting director. Last summer I was called in all the time. Since last summer - NOTHING. Which I find confusing. I mean - okay - even if you don't understand ilovebees, um... surely you've heard of Disney? I dropped off my new demo reel in February. I'll say it again. February. The reason you have a demo reel is so your agent can put it on something called "Voice Bank" -- casting directors go there, and listen to demo reels and pick people from there - sometimes people get booked straight from VoiceBank. To date, they still have not LISTENED to my demo. I was told (in April) that they just haven't had a moment but that they will. (pssssst - my demo is 1.06 minutes). This in my little actor head translates into 2 things -- either they HATED my reel, in which case, I would rather be with someone who would call me and say "Hey Kristen! How's it going? Good? Great. So, your demo is ass, let's put together another one..." or they really don't care. They like me, sure, but I am not a priority.

On Camera: Last year, I averaged about 2 to 3 auditions a week. My callback ratio has been anywhere from 65% to 100% certain months. (yes, you are expected to know these numbers). When I started this blog, I remember saying to Pita, "watch - my auditions will grind to a halt now that I have decided to write about them ..." and I WAS RIGHT!! SEE! DIABOLICAL PLANS! SCIENTISTS IN LABORATORIES WITH HELLO KITTY WALLPAPER PLOTTING AGAINST ME!* My auditions -- well, look at the entries in this blog - they've slowed to nearly 1 every 2 weeks if I am lucky.

People familiar with the Gregorian calendar may have noticed by now that I signed a 1 year contract in Feb of 2004. Which was up in Feb of 2005. But Kristen! It's JULY. Yep. They didn't notice that the contract expired. And I am sure as hell not going to say anything!

Now, my agent from NYC is new in town, but not new to the business. I have absolute faith in him that he will build his business like he did in NY and make the connections and hustle and move to the top. We are working together "Theatrically", which I am absolutely thrilled about - but I got cold feet when it came to signing with him commercially right at the moment. Why? He's going to do gangbusters, right??

Of course!

But.... when it comes to commercial submissions - L.A. is LIGHT YEARS ahead of NYC. Here everything is done on-line at a place called LACASTING - which is free for the actors with representation. All commercial submissions are done on-line - the business moves at the speed of the internet -- plus, it's SO much cheaper for everyone involved - saves agents postage and messenger fees and actors don't have to continually provide stacks of headshots and resumes to their agent (though even that is different out here - they use "lithos" instead of photos - which is MUCH CHEAPER on the pocketbook -- example: in NY 100 photos costs me about 100$ Here 100$ will buy me 300 lithos. Daaaaamn). First I have to wait for him to get his agency listed on LACASTING. That much is imperative.

He is building his business, which means that were I to make the jump -there would probably be no auditions for me for a while, while he worked on making the connections. Of course, my feeling has always been with any agent that there's a reason I get 90% and they get 10% - I need to be doing 90% of the work - so during this down time I would be papering casting directors with postcards, informing them of the change - and giving him a list of casting directors who know me.

The prospect of NO AUDITIONS is terrifying. 1 every week or 2? That's sucky but that's more than zero. And this is my JOB. This is how I make money. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseated.

So it boils down to this: Stay with a top tier agency that sends me out 1 time every 1 to 2 weeks and that doesn't really care about me? Or go with someone who is behind me all the way and will hustle for me, but may not be able to get me in the door for some time? Or on the VO side - work with someone who will submit me all the time, but doesn't plan on having a booth? Or stay with someone who has a booth and doesn't bring me into it?

I sat with this decision swirling around in my head for a long time - such a nice touch of background stress to add to my "3000 miles away from chemo" cacophony of background stress. la! And every time I thought I had made a decision, I would panic and change my mind.

Then it hit me. DUH! YOU HAVE A MANAGER FOR THINGS LIKE THIS!! TALK TO HER AND GET HER OPINION!! I love my manager. I called her and we talked for 2 hours - and it turned out she was having lunch with him the next day to see what he was all about.

Her verdict?

She said DUMP YOUR AGENT and GO WITH HIM.** After talking to him for a few hours, she came to the conclusion that while, yes, it would be scary for me not to have any auditions for a little while, that based on her opinion of him, the auditions would come eventually. It's clear that I am not getting pushed where I am now - and that he is a man who will think nothing of picking up the phone and calling someone to push them to see me. And, long term -- 6 months from now with current agent - same amount of auditions - with him - much, much more as he makes his way.

So, what a relief and how scary. Now the only question left is: When am I going to do this?

*I am still not convinced that Pita is not involved in this conspiracy somehow, but I am paranoid like that.

**I was actually scared to write this blog entry - I mean, what if my current agent read it???!?! Then realized how silly that was .... and I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.

Lexus

2005-07-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

When you see that number flash on the cell phone around 10am it can only be one thing - a same-day audition. Usually these are a real pain in the ass since you have to shuffle your day around, and my experience with them has been that I can sit on my couch for days (I picture it with the light in the room changing as the sun comes up and goes down, with me not moving) and when I finally make plans and jam-pack my day with things to do.... well that's when I get the phone call.

Not so this time! I can't BELIEVE it! Not only is the appointment time at a time that is CONVENIENT for my schedule - but it is located 2 minutes away from where I am at that point in the day.

The audition is at Westside Casting. I owe the parking guy 2$. I figure I will find street parking, and give him the 2$ when I walk by him on my way into the building. I troll the street for parking and see a spot, pull up next to it and try to figure out if ol' Morticia will fit. She won't. A bouncer at the strip club across the street waves at me and points to a plum spot just a few feet ahead of me. How cool was that? I should take my 2$ and stick it down his pants.

The parking guy is not there when I walk by. You know, he has probably forgotten that I owe him the 2$ but I have not forgotten and it is bugging me. Next time....

There is barely anyone in the casting studio. Usually this place is HOPPING with people of all shapes and sizes - but today it is eerily quiet. I know that during the summer, business is slow, but this is unnerving. As I sign in, the door to the studio opens and about 5 girls come out - which means that I have missed the "explanation" of what they are looking for in the spot. Darn - this means I am going to be the first one called after they do the next explanation, which means that I will have to absorb the direction on the spot and act on it, instead of the luxury of sitting in the waiting room mulling it over. -- Though I must admit - sometimes it's better that way - you aren't in your head so much and can be 'real' - since it is happening to you at that very moment.

So I sit and look over the lines. It's about tennis and how to beat stress by picturing your opponent in their underwear --the tidy whities that shrink in hot water and get all saggy. The last line is that "they broke up my first marriage". I go over the lines again and again. The board says that the spot will shoot on FRIDAY and the fitting is on THURSDAY - that would be TOMORROW. Which means that they are casting this tonight without callbacks.

After a long wait where I intermittently look over the lines, check the time, size up the other girls who have also been called last minute to get a bead on 'type' (all of us appear to be dark skinned dark hair late 20s early 30s), I am finally called in.

Lexus is doing a series of spots with Andy Roddick (i don't know if I am spelling this right) where he is driving and various passengers give him tennis advice. This woman, I am told should be creepy and at the end improv lines and flirt with him to the point where he throws her out of the car. Oh, and when you are "talking to him", well, people have a tendency to look down at the chair instead of where he "would" be - so it looks like they are talking to his crotch. Okay, check... flirt with chair but don't look down at chair.

So I do it once through with an improv at the end with a woman who is intense and insisting that she is "better" now and over her first marriage. The casting director says, "cut" and tells me that it was really good - he is stumped for notes to give me on any changes. So I suggest "How about, 'act better' or 'act different'?" He laughs and says "Well I'll choose 'act different' then - this time less creepy and just flirt with him."

So I do it again, and after the last scripted line of "They broke up my first marriage", i wait a beat or two, then look over at nothing and say very sweetly "So.... have you ever had rebound sex?" and blink twice.

The casting director calls "cut" and we both break up into hysterical laughter. I say, "I don't know where THAT came from!" and he says, "Doesn't matter - that was really funny. You are good, you do good work..." I thank him and head out.

I hear this all the time. You are great! You do good work! Wow! That was fantastic! You are really something! ..... But you know, it all means nothing in the end. I mean, Thursday morning rolls around and no phone call.

People talk about how you have to have thick skin to be in this business and I think that people assume that you need it because of all the nasty things people will say about or to you. I have had people say TERRIBLE things to me and I have always did my best to let it roll off my back (sometimes more successfully than others). However, not as easy to let roll off your back are the compliments -- While they are so nice to hear - they can be dangerous as well.

I think what is the hardest thing to do is to keep in mind how YOU think you did in as honest a way as possible. That way, if you book the job, great, and if you don't book the job - well, you did the best you could do with it and you can't change that.

Airplane!

2005-06-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

Vinny and I went to the celebration of the 25th anniversary of the movie Airplane! this week. It was a reception followed by a screening of the film (a la Rocky Horror style, which was a mistake on MANY levels if you ask me, but nobody did so...)

Anyway, the sponsors of the party - Jet Blue - encouraged you to go dressed in character from the film and the winners of the costume contest received prizes such as plane tickets to NY.

So Vinny and I went as the Red Zone and the White Zone.

And guess what? We DIDN'T WIN! Pffffttt. But also, we were not a part of the contest. Apparently you had to sign up somewhere when you arrived so they knew you were participating, and I guess we were having:

a) too much fun sitting in rush hour traffic to arrive there more than 15 minutes before the screening

b) several blue drinks to help calm nerves of being stuck in traffic to such an extent that it looked like we might miss the whole thing

but we did get cool swag... blue terra chips, tupperware, coupons for $$ off Jet Blue Flights, a squeaky fish, glow necklaces and a tee shirt that says "LAX? Don't even go there." - which I really like even though it's too big for me.

Howl's Moving Castle

2005-06-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

Well I hate to say it but Julia totally got the better end of this deal -- As I reported, she called me from the 21 Club in NYC where she was mingling with Lauren Bacall and actually had to put me ON HOLD so she could be introduced to Miyazaki!!

I was told that the L.A. premiere would be *very* low key, with a panel and a screening - okay! As long as I get to see it, right? I mean, I know I have a tiny, tiny part - but for real - I just can't believe I have ANYTHING to do with a Miyazaki film so I am happy. Though I am not going to kid with you - I spent most of my car ride saying "Dozo yoroshiku onegaishimasu" over and over again -- you know.... just in case... it's good to be prepared.

Okay, so here is the sad thing - I am afraid I don't have that much to report. I can tell you the story of the car ride -- it's madness to take a freeway at that time of day - unless you like sitting absolutely still in a running car for a few hours... so I took surface streets -- I had been to the same neck of the woods on Tuesday night for a benefit - I left at 6:30 and got there at 7:30, and that included saying "10$ for valet! Screw that! I can find street parking!". So, I left my house at 6pm - figuring that it would get me there by 7 and I could hang around and check things out. Maybe buy a wig for another party that I am supposed to go to later this week at one of the many hooker supply stores on Hollywood Blvd.

It just sort of crept up on me that it was 6:45 and I was still on Venice Blvd and La Cienega. At that point it was just a bemused "hmm... looks like I won't make it till 7:15!".

By the time 7:15 rolled around and I was only to Wilton and Wilshire it had turned into full blown screaming and cursing with nary a pause to take a breath - even when auto answer would pick up my cell phone, then subjecting whoever was on the other end (usually Vinny asking "where are you?") to some of the most majestic strings of cursewords capable only by a master of the cursewords. I have a new cell phone and am still getting used to how it works - hence, the not knowing how to stop it from auto answering. Vinny then informs me that Hollywood Boulevard is closed at Highland -- due to some big event at the Kodak theatre (where they have the Academy Awards now) but he was able to get into the parking garage on Highland.

It is now 7:30 as I turn down Hollywood Blvd and I am practically STANDING in my car and screaming bloody murder at anyone who dares to go slow and gawk at the sights. I can see the commotion ahead of me -- tons of limos and lights and police -- but I can't see if I can actually turn up Highland to get into the parking garage. I call Vinny - I don't know how many times - if I had to guess it would be about 57 times give or take, trying to get this information - but now I am at the intersection and manage to make the turn. Then I am treated to a long wait in the left hand turning lane going into the garage.

Now here's the thing about this garage -- if you were able to walk back out the way you drove in - you would be cool to walk up to the corner of Hollywood and Highland, cross the street and enter the El Capitan theater, which is the theatre where Disney does all of their premieres. But you CANNOT go back out the way you came in - you have to go to a central elevator, which takes you into the shopping complex that surrounds the Kodak theatre.

So as I run up the escalator saying EXCUSE ME!!! and get off on the street level - I am greeted with *gulp* THE RED CARPET. THE RED CARPET is lined with police barriers - leaving barely any space on either side - and so I end up pushing my way through crowds of tourists and gawkers, all of them craning their necks to get a glimpse of glitter and glitz, or just wandering aimlessly, or just staring at nothing in particular. It's a fucking red carpet people, go to your local fabric store and you can see it there too. I make my way through yelling EXCUSE ME and trying not to clock anyone on purpose (I swear - and I mean it - having learned the art of clocking someone on purpose in NY) and just when I think I am home free - have reached the street - I am greeted with ANOTHER RED CARPET and barriers that keep people from going any further or walking on Hollywood Boulevard at all. This red carpet is lined with bright lights and press.

So I march right up to a HUGE security guard, point across the street and say "I AM SUPPOSED TO BE AT A PREMIERE AT THE EL CAPITAN RIGHT NOW!!!!".

Maybe because I was dressed nice - but not too dressy as to seem like I was going to try and crash the black tie event-- or maybe the determination and power that came out of this tiny girl looking up at him with no fear just startled him - but he just looked kind of stunned and said "you can cut through here"

... and I TOOK OFF down the red carpet like a BAT OUT OF HELL - through all the lights, through all the press, until I got to an open area that let me onto the street, took a breath - looked at all the cops surrounding the place - and JAYRAN across the street to the El Capitan with a determined stride that said "GO AHEAD AND GIVE ME A TICKET MOTHERFUCKER I DARE YOU".

I made it JUST AS the movie began and thank goodness our seats were reserved. If I had been 10 minutes later I would have missed myself. They cut a bunch of lines, and now my part is even smaller - but I am still so happy to be a part of this movie. It's gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous - some of the scenery is absolutely breathtaking in the truest sense of the word. Jean Simmons was PERFECT for Sophie. I would like to hear what other people thought about it.

So afterwards there was no panel, people just milled about, which was boring so we left.

When I paid for parking I found a post-it note in my wallet that said "El Capitan 7pm 7:30pm".... hmmmm... uh oh. I wonder if I missed the first part of the night. Maybe there was a panel. I don't care. I am just glad I made it.

*Note: I later found out that the red carpet I tore across was the AFI event honoring George Lucas.

One-A-Day

2005-06-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest. I got the call for this audition MINUTES after meeting with a new agent.

*whistles*

This was for One-A-Day Weight loss and the time was 4:30 in Santa Monica. It's for 2 spots - and the dress is something you would wear to lunch with friends and a bathing suit. Again, I ask you to imagine the scratch of a needle across a record. A BATHING suit? I don't own a bathing suit - I gave them all away to Goodwill last year, with plans to get a new one this year... um ... yeah .... so I never got around to that. And in a freaky coincidence - Yez had been over THAT VERY AFTERNOON to get the bathing suit I borrowed from her for the film I did - she is leaving town and needed it. So I really had no bathing suit.

Oh and let's talk about 4:30. Not an option. I have to be in Hollywood by 7 and that wouldn't leave me enough time to go home and get dressed and go back and get stuck in traffic and... you get the picture. So I call back and say "Is there an earlier time?". It turns out they are going all day (yes, sometimes your agent just assigns random times to you to spread the clients out across the day and to ensure that everyone doesn't show up at once) so I can go anytime. I plan to go in the morning since I have to make "serenity" cookies all day before I go into Hollywood.

A friend of mine mentions that she can lend me a bathing suit if I need one. She is over 6 feet tall and an ex model. But you know how bathing suits are - they don't make any sense in terms of who they fit. So I plan to swing by her office on the way to the casting studio.

Okay, in the interest of brutal honesty, here is the deal. My event tonight is more important to me than an audition for One A Day weight loss pills where I have to wear a borrowed bathing suit. So I rolled out of bed and decided not to take a shower. I just washed up a bit. Now, I know you might be saying "um... why didn't you take ANOTHER shower this afternoon before you got ready?" and to you I say... "YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME" and "IF YOU WOULD JUST STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF AND TOOK THE 5 MINUTES IT TAKES TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME, YOU WOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT I AM MADE OF SUGAR!!"

So I swing by my friend's office and she hands me a bag of bathing suits and I'm off. This is the same place where the parking guy said that I could get him next time. While I want to be honest and give him the money, I don't want to fork over another 2$ for parking. I am trying to save my money for a new tape player in my car. Yes, a tape player. No, I do not want a CD player because I ... OMG THIS IS MY STORY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT THE STUPID STEREO!! So I decide to park at meters about a block away and walk over. If the parking man is there, I will give him the 2$.

I park in front of a Coffee Bean. Hey! Not only did I not have my tea this AM but I have a gift certificate from there! Oooh! I am going to be so L.A. and get myself a ... a... um... vanilla ice blended small, no wait medium... no wait what size is this one *points at cup* lowfat... no regular...no extra sugar... whipped cream? sure. Kristen. No not Christine, it's Kri.. whatever. thank you!

The parking man is not there. As I walk inside I make another executive decision which boiled down reads something like "fuck this bathing suit shit.". I sign in and wait. Two girls are sitting across from me running lines. It's like 30 something friends in one scene and moms in another lamenting the fact that their metabolism has slowed down and how now they eat right, exercise and take One-A-Day with the ingredient blah blah blah to speed up your metabolism.

The monitor comes out and pairs me up with the girl who signed in behind me. She turns out to be totally cool and we "run lines" together. It's pretty simple - they both read something like "dessert?" "no, not for me... you know in your 30's your metabolism slows down. That's why I watch what I eat, exercise, and take one a day weight loss with gbcb to boost your metabolism" and woman two responds with something like "I'll take what I can get" or "Whatever works!"

This girl is totally cool and has a great sense of humor. She says something about having to make this shit sound totally casual - and I say that the scene would actually read where woman two interrupts woman 1 to say "gbcb? what the fuck is that? Is it like ma huang? cause that stuff is dangerous!".

So we go in and it's pretty easy. We run the first scene "friends at lunch" - we are supposed to improv dialogue before and after and this girl is great. We switch roles and do it again. I blow the line where it's bullshit, " that's why i take one a day weight loss blah blah" and we start laughing. Now it's time for the beach scene. He asks us if we have bathing suits. She is wearing one under her clothes. I smile and say "Nope!" and he says "cool". la! This time since we are moms we are supposed to acknowlege our kids. It's about being at the beach watching the kids eat ice cream and lamenting that we can't eat ice cream all day like we used to when we were young. So I make sure to put something in about my kid dropping his cone in the sand. I have the spazzy kid who not only drops his ice cream but apparently likes his surfboard so much he sleeps with it.

And that's it! Time to get home and go to the beach and bake cookies! They are playing R.E.M. on the radio - "Can't Get There From Here" - which, oddly enough, were there a working tape player in my car, I would probably be playing that very album.

For your consideration:

2005-06-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

Beth Lulu :

a recent email exchange:

6/3/05, yum-yum wrote:> hey guys - it turns out that the opening night of kate's play is also the night i have to go to the premiere of Howl's Moving Castle -- I know some of you can't make it that thursday night and some of you are def. on for thursday night - so would any of you want to go with me on Friday instead?>> k

Beth Lulu to me Jun 4 (2 days ago)I wouldn't go with you if you were the last woman on earth. Oh, wait....that's the only night that I can go too. Ummm.....sure! I'll go with you (fake smile)!beth

Mazda

2005-06-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

You know... yesterday was a crappy day for a number of reasons and I was still cranky this morning. I decided to blow off steam and take the pups down to the beach for a long run/walk to clear my head, and when I got back I hopped in the shower.

The phone rang after I wrapped myself in a robe - it was my friend Yez asking if I had eaten lunch yet, and can she treat me to Urth cafe. Well.. as a matter of fact, all I had eaten was a bite of a hot dog roll (oh god, DON'T ask) and so the answer is YES!

Well it turns out that Yez is like some crazy good juju bringin' lady because as soon as she showed up at my door, good things started happening. I got some great news from home, Disney called me to invite me to the premiere of Howl's Moving Castle, a messenger showed up at my door with a pair of PUMAs - just like the ones that Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson wear in the movie THE ISLAND - courtesy of Dreamworks ( If you want to hear a story of HOLLYWOOD EXCESS, just let me know and I'll see what I can do) -- and my agent called as we were walking out the door -- with an audition for Mazda - NOT in the Valley - in fact, QUITE close to me - 10 minutes away if there is mamajama traffic! And it's at 4:21pm - hours away, so still time for lunch!

So I head over to the casting studio around 4pm and get there at 4:10. It's 2$ to park and I have forgotten my petty cash envelope. The parking guy tells me "you can get me next time" - It's got to be Yez.

I have only been to this studio once - and I was just tagging along while Beth went to an audition. It was when I first moved here and was totally new to L.A. This place is always rocking - full of people of all shapes and sizes - the definition of total mayhem. I sign in and find a seat.

There are some girls there that defy gravity and physics or nature or something - they are so beautiful, you just can't believe it. And they'll be sitting next to a little old lady or a man in a cop uniform. There is a couple to my left that are so beautiful, if they had children ... well my theory is that LIGHT would pour from this woman's vagina as she gave birth to them, they would be that beautiful. Assuming she doesn't dump him for a director who can help her career - natch.

And then there are girls who... I don't really know if I can do this justice in writing. It's something that if you were sitting in the room with me and I was telling you this story, I would jump up and do an impression of it... they walk in this way that is so ... determined and calculated - and they do this thing with their eyes that says "I know you are looking but I am walking towards THAT SPOT". It's like fake self confidence. It's amazing.

The monitor comes out of the studio and calls what seems like 14 people into the studio. I look over at the beautiful couple, and they look back at me and we say at the same time "what the??" and I comment "Is Mazda making clown cars now??".

I am next on the list of what turns out to be 8 people at a time. We line up and the camera person tells us that the spot shoots on Sunday and they are picking straight from the line up. He goes down the line and it's Slate Your Name And Give Me Your Profiles. So he works down the line and after person two he says "remember that you are all in the long shot, so keep the smiles on..." ... wish he had said that BEFORE I decided to adjust my breasts and get them back to where I wanted them to be inside my shirt. But I think my dignity is back in the studio where I had to cluck like a chicken in Spanish, so I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

It gets to me and it's "Kristen Rutherford" turntotheright/turntotheleft and then back to the front so he can get a body shot and CLICK - thanks people! THAT IS IT!

The girl next to me mutters, "I drove an hour and a half for this... nice" -- and I think "You need a YEZ!"

Butt Ugly Beth Redux

2005-05-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

beth does it again!

Beth emailed me this photo with the following message:

"This audition was relatively quick and painless - so I don't have a good story - however, I DID manage to take one of the more horrendous pictures -- I begged the cameraman to let me keep it for posterity"

Gotta love that Beth. She's SWIFFER!

Mc Donalds

2005-05-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

oh holy geez - it's my agent's phone number on the caller ID. It's sad that I get surprised by that now. *sigh*

It's for McDonalds and I am going to 639 N. Larchmont at 4:20 and dress is flight attendant. Okay so I scribble down the info and I'll need to pull out my --- *sound of needle scratching on a record* FLIGHT ATTENDANT SUIT??!?! WTF??

I ask Vinny with a straight face if he has any spare "pilot wing pins". He doesn't even acknowledge that I am talking.

I have a lunch meeting, so I bring my "flight attendant" clothes with me in another bag and change in the bathroom after lunch is finished. I forgot the little piece of paper with the address on it but I know where I am going. I drive over to Larchmont and park in front of 420. I know this is wrong. It doesn't seem right. I can't figure out why. I call Vin and ask him to read me the address from the piece of paper that I had scribbled it on and he says "639 N. Larchmont" and then says "4:20 is your time not the address". You know... what can I tell you? It was hot out and I didn't sleep at all last night.

But here's how stubborn I am. I have just put 50 cents into the meter to buy myself an hour, and I REFUSE to drive a couple of blocks to park closer and thus, lose my 50 cents. Take that... um... someone!!

I would like to say that I wanted a nice walk and that I knew a nice walk would be good for me - especially since after shooting a short film last week, (ahhhh kraft services), I could now start a new blog called "pastries I would have sex with, and very nearly have" - but really it was the principle of the 50 cents.

did I mention how hot it was? What a dork I am.

So I get there, and sign in, and they are advertising McDonald's new chicken sandwich - the part of the spot that I am auditioning for is the part of a flight attendant who is giving her "emergency exits are located, here, here, and here" speech - but is saying it like a chicken. In Spanish.

So my lines are "Pio, Pio, Pio, Pio...."

I would really love to say that my life is so incredibly dull recently that I am now resorting to making things up to blog about.

But no.I went to an audition today where I was required to give a flight attendant speech clucking like a chicken in Spanish.

The monitor has a boom box with a CD that she plays occasionally with a recording of a man going "pio, pio, pio..." which I guess is supposed to help us.

Hold your number up. Slate your name. Give us profiles. And Action.

AND ACTION! I mean - usually they give you a little speech - like "this is what they are looking for" - or "in this spot...". I mean - acknowledge how ridiculous this is!!

So, I do my best impression of a flight attendant showing the emergency exits and demonstrating that the lights on the aisle will light up should the cabin lose power, and if we lose cabin pressure to put on your oxygen mask before you put on your child's mask. But I cluck like a chicken in Spanish. Pio, Pio, Pio. I move my head back and forth for good measure. And you know what - she doesn't stop me. I just stop. I JUST STOP. I am sooo done. I do not want to do this. I am hot and tired and grouchy and have now been made to cluck like a chicken in Spanish. She clicks the camera off, smiles and says thank you.

Now this is where we split screen. On one side you have fakey nice make you vomit Kristen who says, (albeit - not in the most chipper fashion), "Well, that was certainly one of the most... interesting parts of my day" and then you have the real Kristen who says "I can't fucking believe I fucking drove all the fuck the way out here for fucking 5 seconds of clucking like a fucking chicken in fucking spanish".

Thank the Lord that I found a package of chewy spree in the glove compartment

So, let's end this on something nice.

Here is a pastry that I would like to fuck the shit out of, and I am not even on Atkins.

Apricot Pinwheel

Nissan

2005-05-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

I think the girl calling me with the audition is new. She hasn't quite figured out how to give me the information that I need. She's very sweet but a little all over the place. She hesitates for a long time inbetween, time and place - when she says the time she says "be sure to be on time, they want everyone on time" and I sort of think "As opposed to when they like you to be late?" She's umming a bit and so I say "am I a young mom?" and she says "uh..." (rustles paper) "...yeah".

This audition is for Nissan and is in the VALLEY - UGH UGH UGH. Well, we all know what will make a trip to the VALLEY worth every horrific hot and sweaty moment- right???? That's right - A BOBA!! Otherwise known as "bubble tea" its like a milky slurpee with tapioca pearls in it - the drink you chew! I am going to reward myself with a boba. A cherry and peach boba or maybe it will be the day where I try a new mix of flavors...

The phone rings again and it's my agency. NO WAY! Another audition? This hasn't happened since November - having 2 or 3 on one day! I pick up the phone and it turns out I am being greedy. It's the same girl - so sweet - she says she forgot to tell me the dress. They want me to come "pretty and casual". So I say "Oh, thank goodness you told me. I was planning on going ugly and formal". She laughs so at least the new girl has a sense of humor. *golf claps for the new girl*

I never do this but I didn't get a chance to eat breakfast. Not my style to skip, but time got away from me, and it became more important that I wax my lower legs so I could dress "pretty and casual" - Beth agreed with me on the phone this morning (when I should have been eating breakfast) that it meant a skirt. Since really - - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I meant to grab a balance bar to eat in the car, but I forgot. If it's not in front of the door, I will forget it. And even then, 9 times out of 10 I will kick whatever it is out of my way saying, "who the fuck left that in front of the door?". I was angry when I realized I had forgotten - but I figured it would be alright since I was going to have a BOBA later on!!

I stopped at the spa to see Gloria and get a facial because I am doing a film next week. They have cashews out at the spa so I eat a handful - but I don't want to fill up cause I am going to get a (say it with me) BOBA!! Then it's a matter of getting from West Hollywood over the hill to the valley. You know, I would like to make it a funny story but all I can say is it just sucks. It sucks, it sucks it sucks. It gets hotter as you go over the hill and traffic is bad and, well, it sucks. At least I know where I am going. It takes longer than I thought, so I won't get a boba until after. Plus I've set it up as a reward, so it makes sense to get it after. And I don't want to put it down when I do my audition - it'll get all melty. I pass the boba bar on the right, and wave, and make a note of the street name since I am going to have to make a left to get there on the way back (Radford for those of you playing the home game). Down the street from CBS.

I find street parking (and you get an hour for a quarter here! It's sad when things like that are exciting) and head over to the studio. I have been here before and it's very small - and always full of children. This is the studio where I auditioned to be a mom dropping kids off at a gym babysitting service, and seconds before the camera rolled, the other actress playing the babysitter said "you want us to do this in Spanish right?" and they said "yeah! good idea!".

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, not too many kids - some twins, a set of triplets. I am hot and a little groggy from my facial and not eating anything but cashews, and I don't feel like being 'up!' and 'fun' or engaging in conversations that 'show my personality' even though the monitor wants to talk about some of the more rotten children that have come through there. I am way before my appointment time, but hey, I figure, that much earlier to boba goodness and maaaaaaaybe less traffic. (pause for laugh track).

They bring three of us in at once. Two pretty black girls and one of them has an adorable little boy. I am surprised because it doesn't look like we will have to play "moms" to him. The guy running camera is nice and very funny - he is talking about the fact that dealing with the kids is fine - it's the moms that are too much to deal with. He does impressions of them saying "smile! smile!" etc.... and I say that what is always amusing to me is when they start to crack and get rather hostile - and then he does a PERFECT impression of a mom just barely covering the fact that she is SEETHING angry at her child and trying to get him to do something with false smiles and threatening hisses under her breath - and then saying "he's not like this at home!". It was a riot.

So he points the camera at me while we are laughing and asks my name. Then says "So! What are you going to do this summer!?" OH GEEZ, THE DREADED 'PERSONALITY' AUDITION. I mean, the real answer to this question is "fuck all" but that won't fly, and another answer is "hoping I can go to an alternate reality gaming gathering in NY" but I'll be there forever trying to explain ARGs to them. Oh and then there's the real joyjoy winner "going to visit my dad! His cancer is back!" followed by a jaunty wink and a point of the finger like a gun - as you do.

so i say:

Making birthday cakes!! I make birthday cakes as a hobby and you know, it seems like so many of my friends have birthdays in the summer!! so I guess I'll be slaving over an oven this summer! (reality note: number of friends that have summer birthdays, that live in my area that I could make cakes for : ZERO). He asks if I make them to order and I say "of course!" and tell him about a cake that I will be making (reality check - made last year for a May birthday) that will have peanut butter, jelly and potato chips in the middle. This guy (and this is true) is the only person I know that will order the "foggy bottom" burger at Mo's - which is a burger with peanut butter and jelly on it. He asks me what kind of potato chips - and I say "Lays - the saltier the better". Then I tell him that I am going to make a cake for a friend of mine who is a DJ (yes i made this up too) that looks like a turntable with a record on it and a twizzler for the needle. ( I did make this cake but it was for the same guy and it was his groom's cake at his wedding - the wedding that had the other CAKE INCIDENT story that I tell at auditions all the time).

the other two girls are traveling this summer. I didn't really listen to them because I was tired from expending energy on my fake summer plans and expending energy on pretending like I was listening to them very actively, because really - it was BOBA time - and I am thinking - cherry peach? or maybe they have grape?

I bullet out of there at top speed and head back up Ventura for my boba. There is no parking in front of the boba bar - which is odd, but I find a space nearby. I practically skip up to the door and pull it open... except it's locked. And all the chairs are on the table. THE BOBA BAR IS CLOSED. THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT TO BE CLOSED. The hours say tues - sunday 10am to 10pm and it is FUCKING 4PM ON WEDNESDAY SO THEY SHOULD NOT BE CLOSED!!!

I wait until I am back in my car to yell MOTHERFUCKER at the top of my lungs and head home, hot and sticky and stuck in traffic most of the way.

Adding insult to injury....

2005-05-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

Beth called me today and asked that I let everyone know that after all the bobbing drama she DID NOT GET A CALLBACK!

but... um...

at least she got an apple?

Well, maybe we should just let BETH have this BLOG

2005-04-30T00:20:00.000-07:00

Well, neener neener.... must be NICE to have, I don't know... COMMERCIAL AUDITIONS and WHATNOT!!! So - here's another tale from the trenches -- ladies and gentlemen --- mrs. beth luluuuuuuu.... *claps sarcastically*

Another story that makes me question my career choice of “actor”.

When you’re auditioning for commercials, all artistic integrity must be left at the door (which proves to be an easy task for me because I was given very little to begin with).

I have an audition for Jack-in-the-Box. I’m very excited because I love the commercials with the guy in the big, round, white head that talks. They make me laugh. The drawback though is that they require shorts at the audition. Casting people have very, limited imaginations, so if you’re supposed to be at a company picnic, by God, you’ll DRESS like you’re at a company picnic. And, apparently, they decided that shorts were a company picnic requirement.

Now, most people wouldn’t care about that, but, you see I’m as pale as a ghost. Seriously, if I bare my legs in a dark alley, I would light the way for all to see. Plus -- paired with my white legs, I also hadn’t shaved my legs in weeks. Before you go, “Too much information!” or “That’s gross!”, I say to you, “Shut your pie hole! I’m in the middle of home renovation and haven’t had a shower or tub in a few weeks-leaving me to sponge bath in the kitchen”. OK, that is too much information. Moving on…

I had to cancel my plans for the night before, (blog owner's note - THOSE PLANS WERE TO HANG OUT WITH ME!! ) so that I could shave my legs and apply self-tanning lotion and let it dry. Yes, I am committed to my craft. I also had to run to a store and purchase shorts. Given the above explanation of my legs, I’m sure I don’t need to explain why I didn’t have a pair.

Anyhoo, I’m prepared and ready to knock their socks off. I put on full makeup and fix my hair and I’m ready to show them some funny! Then, we go in for the group explanation. That is when they take all the actors auditioning for the same part into the audition room and tell everybody what is required for the audition (ie. where to stand, what to say, etc). (blog owner's note: Moooooooooo)

I walk in the room and see a tub full of water and one apple floating in it. It was then that the guy running the session told us that we have to bob for apples! No, not pretend to bob, but actually BOB FOR APPLES! He opened with, “OK, if any of you guys have trouble keeping your eyes open underwater or have to hold your nose to go under water, should leave the room now. You won’t be right for this part”. We all stay. Then he says, “OK, the best auditions so far have been with the women who aren’t afraid to go for it. Don’t gingerly reach for the apple, really get in there. Stick your whole head in the water and get that apple!” He must have sensed our reticence, because then he said, “I mean, we’re actors, right? I had to audition the other day and be on all fours to play the part of a dog. It’s part of what we do”.

Very inspiring speech.

So, we all leave the room and wait to go in. The only thing ringing in my ear is, “Don’t be afraid to go for it, those have been the best auditions yet”. I’m not afraid! I’m gonna do it! So, it’s my turn and I get down on my knees with my arms held behind my back and I’m determined to get that damn apple. Did I mention that it’s a huge tub full of water with only ONE apple? That’s friggin’ hard! So, he says action and I dunk my entire body into the tub! No, not just my mouth and not just my head, my entire upper torso! I can’t even hear my cue, because I’m determined to get the apple. I come up when I do and finish the scene and, when the guy turns off the camera, all he can say is, “Oh my God! Oh my God! You really DID go for it! That was a bit more than I had anticipated” So, I get scared and say, “Was it OK? Did it look alright?” He said, “ Oh, yea, you just don’t have to do that much next time”.

NOW he tells me.

We do the shot again, but this time I reach in the damn water and put the apple in my mouth. I refused to repeat what I had done before. When we’re done, I’m so wet, that the towels they provided didn’t even dry me off. I was wearing a white t-shirt, so if it were a wet t-shirt contest, I would totally book it. My makeup is under my eyes and my hair is dripping wet. Then, I have to walk out of the room like that. The best part of that was the collective looks of fear coming from every actress that was to follow me. Almost made it worth it. I had to then parade through the lobby and make the long trek to my car, in my soaking clothes.

I got the keep the apple though.

If I get a callback, it will have been worth it.

If not…..I got an apple

Special Blogger Guest: Beth Lulu!!

2005-04-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so things have been slow for me. Scary slow. I've been asking around and it seems like (thankfully) it's been slow for EVERYONE! So I talked my friend Beth (who you may have seen in a current Swiffer ad running on just about every channel) into guest blogging about her experience with The Ugliest Polaroid Ever. Take it away Beth....

So, it all began with a call from my agent with a “same-day audition”. These suck, because no matter where you are or what you’re doing, you have to drop it all and run to the casting studio. Another added bonus is when they specify a very particular wardrobe for your character, such as a lab coat for the role of a doctor or, in this case: formal business wear. Unfortunately, many times you can’t honor this request and have to choose between making it on time or being late, but in the proper costume.

On this particular day, I got the call as I was having lunch with a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in weeks and weeks. We had scheduled and re-scheduled and, as we sat down to enjoy our healthy lunch of nachos and coke, my agent called…"You have an audition for Diet Coke..." (wow, that could be big) "...and you have to be in Santa Monica in formal business wear in 1 hour!” I literally had to dash out of the restaurant and hop in my car and I made the decision to go as I was dressed-due to complete lack of notice and time.

I race to the audition and run in. The place is packed and utter madness. There are at least 10 different rooms in this building. All of these rooms are hosting a different audition for a different type and a different product. Totally confusing. I’m up for the challenge. I find my room and sign in. I notice a petite woman taking polaroids. With most commercial auditions, you have to fill out a size card that they staple to your headshot and a Polaroid. I rush to her and, just as I get there, she gets distracted and runs away. As an actor, you know NEVER to give any attitude or trouble to the people running the session. That person taking your Polaroid today may be the casting director tomorrow!

I wait at the picture-taking area very patiently. Another male actor joins me. We wait. And wait. And wait. The male actor asks me if this is where we’re supposed to be for the polaroids. I say “yes”. I notice that the petite woman who takes them is simply making silly conversation now and flirting with the other actors. So, I decide to make the move and ask her VERY politely, “Are you taking polaroids?” Now, when I say politely, I’m telling you the Pope would have smiled at me and answered politely back (not the Nazi one, the one before that). My point is, it didn’t reek of any attitude whatsoever. BUT, our lovely petite woman didn’t see it that way. She glared at me. I mean, GLARED at me as if she wished I would DIE, DIE, DIE. Then, she yanked the camera off the table and, trying to diffuse the situation, I tried to joke with her. I said, “OK, be sure to get the nacho stain that I just put on my shirt…” Before I could get the entire sentence out, she had snapped the shot. I mean, I was mid-sentence and she was pissed.

I knew it would be bad, but she grabbed the shot before it had developed and stapled it to my size card and walked away. Nothing I could do.

But that’s not the end.

As I’m waiting, I hear chuckling. The chuckling then turns to full-on laughter. I just knew. I just knew it was about my shot. I don’t know how. I sensed it. I turn around and, sure enough, it was a group of hunky men sorting through the polaroids. I rush up there in time to hear them say to my picture, “oh my God, look at this one-that’s horrible!” I look over their shoulder and there it is. The most embarrassing, disgusting Polaroid you’ve ever set your eyes on, and the bitch petite woman tried to use it.

THEN, the man running the camera for my audition comes out and sees my card (not hard, since it’s been held up and laughed at). He gets annoyed and yells at the girl, “What is this? Come on, you know better than that! Take another one” So, I get another Polaroid and, in the space of a short amount of time, made a mortal enemy of the bitchy, petite woman.

Here’s the good news, I grabbed the bad Polaroid out of the trash for safe-keeping. I’m one of those sick people who gets a perverse joy out of finding the worst pictures of myself ever taken. This one was a winner! It was so good that I made it the screen saver on my computer until my husband begged me to remove it because it scared him.

Ah! Commercials are fun!

stay tuned for the dreaded "ugliest polaroid ever"

And here it is!!

2005-04-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

butt ugly beth

Comcast - Callback

2005-04-18T16:06:00.000-07:00

Friday brings me a message that I have a callback for Comcast: Monday the 18th. I am glad she said "Monday" the 18th because when I jotted down the info from the board at the original audition of "callback 4/18", in my head I thought the 18th was Wednesday.

Going once again over to N. Las Palmas for an 11am appointment time. So that means traffic won't be bad and I can leave at 10:15 and still have some time to sit and relax once I get there. This time I remember to bring magazines AND my palm.

I am a little concerned as I pull up - it's Monday and the majority of streets say NO PARKING between 10am and 1pm for street cleaning, so parking is scarce -- but I get lucky and someone pulls out of a spot right near the building where I am going. Lucky me!

I walk into the studio (coke machine still out of order) and there are 2 men in suits sitting on the stone benches looking at their sides. The sign in sheet says "Cingular". It's odd that there is nobody there. Do I have the right day? Did I imagine this callback? I check all the memo boards and there is no sign of Comcast, so I scoot outside and call my agent. She puts me on hold -- and when she comes back she says, "uh - the auditions are at Sessions West - sorry - I don't know what happened."

Okay - what happened is that they gave me the wrong address, and now it is 10:55 and I am in Hollywood and need to get back to Santa Monica. Yes, BACK. I LIVE NEAR SESSIONS WEST. I could have walked to the audition. She says the client is fine and knows what happened and is okay with me coming late. And oddly enough, I am not freaked out about the fact that I will now get to an 11am appointment time at 11:30 (if I am lucky) - After all - there is nothing I can do about it - getting upset will just um... make me upset. I am annoyed because gas is $2.89 and I just wasted a bunch of it driving into Hollywood for no reason except to drive back.

She calls again as I am looking for parking and I tell her that I am next to the studios looking for parking - so she calls the client and relays the information. When I walk in, I apologize to the girl signing me in and she says "yeah, I heard what happened-- it's okay. So it's no big deal. She introduces me to the guy who will be playing my husband, and tells me I'm up next. It's fine that I have to go in the room immediately - the spot is not about the wife so I'm okay with it.

The casting director comes out and tells the room to do the exact thing they did at the first audition since that's what got us back, and to get ready to do it again - but this time the husband will not say all the lines - it will be a VO.

We go into the room and there are 10 people sitting there - half of them clacking away on Macs. They put us in front of the couch to slate our names. I'm first. I say my name and they pan over to my "husband" so he can say his - and he says his first name flat - but when he says his last name, he turns into a news anchor and suddenly has a thick spanish accent. I look over at him, he looks at me, and we crack up.

We go through it once and they laugh and call cut. The director says "Kristen, that was perfect." So I put my fists up in the air like I've just scored a touchdown. He tells my "husband" that it was very good but to pick up the remote when he's done. We do it again with someone reading the lines as VO, they laugh again and call cut and say "Great job! Thanks!". So it was back and forth to Hollywood for 5 minutes, if that. At least they laughed.

I buzz out of the room and realize I've left my bookbag. So I wait for the CD to come out again and tell him so. He pretends to be very angry with me and I tell him the truth is that there is a tiny tape recorder in my bag - which makes both of us laugh for a moment, until we both look at each other and say "What a great idea!".

Except that I imagine that what we would hear on the tape is a muffled "Right. What shall we order for lunch?"

Comcast - HURRAH

2005-04-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

So, I am in the middle of IMing hmrpita - and was saying that I needed to touch base with my agent since I haven't had an audition in FOREVER - and as we are typing, my phone rings - it's my agent! They have an audition for me - for Comcast - upscale business wife: 11:45 am. YAY!!

I'm so happy when I head out in the morning - it's a good appointment time, traffic will be light so I can get there pretty quickly. I am just about to get on the 10 when I realize that in my head I think I am going to one casting studio in Hollywood - but this is not the same place. I didn't mapquest it because I thought I knew where I was going. I have an idea of where this place is - but with my luck - I'll be wrong and end up being late. So I call my friend Beth and ask her where it is - and she actually knows how to get there. Which is amazing since Beth usually has no sense of direction and relies on her GPS system she calls "Stacy G" to tell her where to go. But Beth is also the queen of commercial auditions - and will be guest blogging soon.

Then we have an hilarious conversation that kind of goes like this: "is that the place where we had to be in our pajamas for wawa? no, it's the place with the round stone benches. Oh, so not the one with the giant bathroom. No - it's near that - near the circuit city callback."

I get there 15 minutes early, change from flip flops into heels and sit on one of the round cement benches. There is a sign that says "Sign in, yes polaroid, yes headshot, yes size card, look at copy". I sign in, fill out a size card and pull out a headshot. Next to me is one of those headshot photographer books and I always like to look at them. It's fun to see if I recognize anyone in the ad layouts and on top of that, my manager wants me to get new pictures. I start to flip through it, and then think that it might be a better idea to study the copy before I indulge in the book. You know, really figure out the character and be familiar with the lines.

My lines are "Okay I gotta go, don't forget to tape my shows, okay?" then, "Or you can just DVR it."

...

yeah. I start to flip through the photographer book.

Okay, it's another one of those auditions where they need to wait for "more men" to show up. It's a roomful of women who vaguely look like me, just hanging out waiting for the boys. So we wait and wait and wait and wait.

I have forgotten my notebook that I usually obsessively write my to do list in. I have forgotten my magazines. I have forgotten my palm pilot. I have NOTHING to do except watch boys sign in for another audition that is supposed to be a spoof of "Extreme Home Makeover". They all look like Ty. They are mildly amusing but I still wish I had a magazine.

A casting director walks out of another audition room and she has a bottle of diet coke in her hand. I feel a twinge deep inside me. That CAN'T be good to have such a loving response to the diet coke. For a while I am thinking about how great it would be if I had a diet coke, if only I could grab a diet coke, and maybe when this is over I will get a diet coke since I haven't had one in a long time. The casting director calls my name and it's then that I notice the giant coke machine near the sign in sheet. D'oh!!

The guy who is playing my husband needs more time with the script. He has a lot to do - lots of physical stuff with his lines. So the casting director and I wait in the audition room. I do a silly dance and he compliments it. I tell him that I have been practicing and my husband says my stupid dances are getting better.

My "husband" is ready now and so we rehearse it once - all I have to do is walk by him say my line , let him do all his physical stuff, then pop back in and say my last line. easy peasy. We shoot it and we are done and say goodbye.

The coke machine is out of order.

Pioneer

2005-04-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

okay...

not through my agent - called directly by the casting director working on the project. He's the same one that called me for ilovebees. Seems they want someone to do the voice for the CDs that they put in new cars. Audition the next day, records on Friday. I try to remember who's story it was about the GPS talking to the beekeepers on the night of the training event - and I laugh - if I book this - Durga will help new SUV owners!! I am guessing there won't be lines about putting a skull on a post to let your enemies know ... well... you know.

5:10 appointment

I leave at 4pm thinking that will give me 10-20 minutes to look at the copy. WRONG. I get there in the nick of time - 5:05 and I am thrilled to see a parking space open. I think, "wouldn't it be nice if the meter had time on it...." and voila! 54 minutes still on the meter. I put a dime in just in case to make it 58.

When I sign in there is a girl sitting across the room that is so familiar to me and I cannot place it. So I do the obvious thing which is pretend that I don't know her until I can figure it out or she says hi to me. Then it hits me - it's GILLY - aka Deb B. So we start to chat a bit and catch up on bee logistics - and then who comes out of the studio but KAMAL - mr. Ninja Yuri himself. He walks right by me and I say "oh so that's how it's gonna be eh?" and he laughs and says "yah well maybe if you weren't all 4 feet below me on the floor like a midget girl"and gives me a big hug.

I am so happy to see Yuri and so we catch up as quickly as possible before he has to get to his next thing. We make plans for the weekend for all of us to get together. YAY!

Deb, Yuri and I joke around about how Gilly would stick a knife in the neck of someone who didn't give her a VO job - and somehow we end up joking about me putting dolls in the back of my volvo wagon, putting on way too much blush and cruising slowly by soccer fields full of children. "There's scary Mrs. Rutherford.. *whispers* they say she is barren!!"

The copy is simple - do it once as you want - second time a little more sensual and third time friendly and perky. Derek who worked on my demo is running sound - he rules. It would be nice to book this. If only because it would be a lovely little inside joke among the bees.

And it's off into the sunset. Literally. Tonight as I drive home, I blast "She's a Woman" by the Beatles and think about how every time I drive home, I literally drive to the edge of the country.

Gulp.

2005-03-17T19:33:00.000-08:00

UM... I have not had a commercial audition since FEBRUARY! Okay I was out of town for a week and a half... but hello! I'm back now!

hello?

In the meantime let me just say that when you work on a set at Disney, they bring you soft pretzels in the shape of Mickey Mouse for a snack.

Taco Bell

2005-02-26T11:50:00.000-08:00

it is 10:30 am and the phone is ringing. I see that it's my agent and an early morning call means one thing - same day audition. So I pick up.

... at 1:15 today for Taco Bell - dress is hip and casual, going to XXX casting on Moorpark in Studio City. STUDIO CITY? The VALLEY? Ugh, that means I'll have to get my passport together and be stuck in traffic all day. I buy time by asking if 1:15 is a "hard" time or if it can be bumped to a bit later. I manage to get a 2pm out of her. There's really no reason to get the later time. It's just the principle of the thing.

When I hang up, I realize that I have forgotten to "book out". I am going out of town next week and need to let them know the dates I am not in town and therefore cannot audition. I call back and give her the information.

It takes me an hour and a half to get there. I arrive there at 1:50. An hour and a half of traffic on the 405 seems like 4 hours. It's like dog years. I've never been to this studio before but it's easy to find and I grab a space on the street. As I turn my car off and am grabbing my purse and portfolio, I see a very pretty girl get out of her car across the street. She is wearing a black skirt with a button down white shirt and killer high heels. Business attire. I figure she is probably going to the same studio and something in me says, " ... uh oh". I pass a couple of other girls dressed the same way on the way in, as well as some guys in full on suits.

The studio has 2 sign in sheets. One says CVS and one says Taco Bell (Business Attire). The waiting room is full of people and all of them are in suits. I am wearing dark jeans and a long sleeve pink shirt with these black funky mule sneaker things that I never take off despite them being ratty and chewed on at one point by one of the dogs. No polaroids. Callback date. March 2. I am out of town on that day.

So now I have driven one and a half hours to the friggin' valley (which means it will take me 2 hours to get home) and I am not dressed right and can't make the callback anyway should the client be interested in me. NICE. GOOD. FINE.

I look for an empty seat and it's like that scene in "Start the Revolution Without Me" where the king is dressed like a giant chicken making his way through the courtiers saying "I thought it was a costume ball..." I am ready to tell them that I thought business attire meant I worked for a dot com. I am thinking outside the box! Yes! That's it!

I thought it was a costume ball

When I sit down a girl who is clearly a model turns to me and says, "good lord you look like Salma Hayek. I bet you get that a lot" We chit chat a little bit. I mention that I had no idea about the business attire and that my agent doesn't usually forget details like that. It feels good to tell someone that I am not an idiot that doesn't understand what people in offices wear.

I thought it was a costume ball.

A man comes out of another room and says "If you are here for Taco Bell and your agent told you Hip/Casual raise your hand" (YES!YES!YES!) The model smiles at me. I raise my hand like Hermione and he brings me back into a separate casting area.

As he takes my headshot, he says "cute shoes". I tell him of my passion for these shoes despite how scruffy and clearly chewed on they are and he says that's what makes them cool. Okay. So there are 3 crates on the floor and a board with the script on it. He sits me on the middle crate and the other 2 crates are my imaginary friends. He hands me a plate of white bread and I take a piece. He says he'll talk me through it.

Slate your name. Will I eat beef? Will I eat chicken and dairy? Okay now talking and laughing with your friends, take a bite of the "burrito" and say the line "how's your burrito, Todd?" and then the casting director plays Todd who apparently will do an interpretive dance describing the burrito. I am reacting to a man telling me "now he is breakdancing, now he is doing something gravity defying, now he is doing backflips, look at your friends you are amazed laugh a little, a little more now open mouth gape at the camera aaaand say your line"...

"I gotta get me one of those"

take a bite of the burrito.

slate your name.

now drive 2 hours home.

JC Penney

2005-02-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

"...calling from Independent Artists we have an audition for you tomorrow Wednesday the 16th for JC penny going to XX casting at 200 South La Brea your time is 12:15 and you're nice and casual. Please give us a call back to confirm."

12:10. And barely, since they are ripping up the street behind the studio - the street where you are ALLOWED to park - as opposed to the Petco lot where they will tow you! Signs all over the studio say "PETCO WILL TOW YOU AND IT IS EXPENSIVE"

The sign on the wall has the following boxes checked: Headshot. Size Card. Polaroid.
As I sign in, the casting director is taking a picture of another actor and I hear her say, "...think I told you that last time we met..." and he says, "huh, really? I don't remember..." and wanders off. She turns to me and says, "His name is Cassius Clay and I told him he might want to consider changing it since it's a famous name -and he didn't know what I was talking about." I say, "My name is Julia Roberts. Is that a problem?"

I sign in, take a size card, sit down, and begin to fill it out. Because I chose to do this instead of getting my polaroid taken right away, I just miss being in the group that goes in next. The girl who signed in behind me is in that group. That's annoying.

The 6 actors stream out of the room. One guy says to another girl, "You really like hammering!" and she says, "Yeah! I really got into it!!!" -- so I wonder if we are going to have to do some home repair improv. Does JC Penney have a tools department? Am I going to have to mime painting or using a level? I think about MDF (medium density fiberboard) and wonder how I can make that charming.

The casting director is wielding the polaroid again, so we crowd around her to get our pictures taken and hand her our paperwork. As soon as I am settled in my chair and reading, she calls the next group and my name is there.

So here we are in the camera room -- one guy that is coming in with us is saying something to her as she is bringing us in. She says, "Oh yeah - they will tow you - you better go move your car. They don't wait - they have a deal with a towing company that comes right away, they call them right away...''. He runs out of the room and she says, "It's okay I can really only take 6 anyway." Then she talks about how expensive it is to be towed from that lot. "Ninety dollars!" Which is funny to me since a) I had always wondered how much "expensive" was based on those signs and b) it is not expensive compared to New York where it can be 300-400$ depending on where they tow you from and to and c) why did that guy think that all 4,000 signs did not apply to him?

So she lines us up against the wall. She says we should slate our names, give profiles and then she just wants to hear us tell a story. I think that I will tell her about how the 5 is my own personal Bermuda triangle.

She points the camera at the first girl and asks her what her favorite activities are. The girl says yoga, but says what she wants to talk about is Valentines day. She was alone again and wants someone who will accept love from her -she doesn't understand why she can't find someone to accept the love that she has to give and that she's putting it out to the universe. The CD asks her if she went out anyway, but she says no - she's a homebody.

The next girl is pretty in a pink sweater and her belly hanging out. Well, by that I mean she is showing off her incredibly tanned toned belly. She is ON. She says that she cooked a gourmet meal on Valentine's day for an under 8 crowd who did not appreciate what she cooked - they were totally yelling for the hot dogs. Her switch doesn't go off the entire time we are in the room. Every move and expression says THERE IS A CAMERA ON ME.

The CD moves on to the next woman and asks her where she is from. She comes alive and says she grew up in HONG KONG AAAAND MICHIGAN. She talks about culture shock and that it wasn't even a BIG TOWN in Michigan like TOWN ONE or OTHER TOWN ( I dont remember the names because at this point it's getting close to my turn and I am wondering what the hell she is going to hit me with...) but a smaller town called MY TOWN. The casting director asks how many people in OTHER TOWN and she says 7000 but MY TOWN has even less!!!
(read - "that's not where I said I lived...")

The boy next to me is asked if he is into sports. He says "oh of course" and I am waiting for some high school story, but it turns out he used to be a skier on the olympic track but decided the odds were the same being an actor as being a gold medalist. This makes us all laugh.

It's my turn and the camera catches me laughing at his story. I slate my name, give my profiles, and she asks my hobbies. I tell her I make truffles, cookies and wedding cakes - but that because of my wedding cake trauma I don't do it anymore. I tell an abbreviated story of The Day I Had To Rebuild Beth's Wedding Cake 15 Minutes Before Beth's Wedding Which I Was In. I stumble a bit looking for the funny bullet points since it's a long story but she laughs. I make a mental note to whittle that story into a 30 second soundbite since it's not the first time I have told it in an audition.

She moves to the boy on the other side of me and after his profiles asks him if he likes vacations. He says enthusiastically that he LOVES vacations and has travelled extensively across Europe. He lists the countries he has been to. It's not exciting how he tells it but boy, is he cute.

She has us all move in closer to each other and pulls the camera back - points to us one at a time and we say our names again. We all run out of there back to our cars.